It's quiet here as I look out my window, I see nothing but white. Been like this for days, more to come they say. So much has been on my mind, perfect time to blog. I've had an epiphany if you will. I know Epiphany means "divine manifestation," but I truly believe these heart altering moments are from Jesus. No matter how long it takes us to end up where He wants us to be, He never gives up on us. He never walks away in frustration, He never shakes His head and says, "I am so over you." He's patient no matter how long we take to grieve the loss of our dear husband, child, parent, __________ fill in the blank. No matter how many times we make bad choices, walk the wrong path, self-sabotaging ourselves, not believing we are worth it, believe the lies of the enemy, can't seem to overcome the abuse of our past. He's still there, just waiting for us, loving us.
It has been just over 3 months now, sober from dependency on pain medication, being fully present. What I have realized is the meds. kept me from dealing with my grief. Didn't have to feel if I was numb to it. I suppose it's like that for others as well. What's your pain? Do you have a numbing agent? There could be so many to choose from. drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, gambling........It's truly been great to be freed from dependency on pain medication but now emotions are swirling around. Emotions that used to be under control, I am uncomfortable for sure.
On April 21, it will be 6 years since Jeff went to Jesus, that's a long time. My self-talk is usually chastising. "You should be farther along than you are. People expect you to be dating, why aren't you dating? Jeff would be so disappointed in you." The thing is, I have never experienced a loss like this, I have nothing to compare it to. I cannot worry about what others think or what someone else would do. No one else really knows what they would do unless they were actually going through it. You know, how we were always the best parents before we had any kids? Like that.
What's happening now is I am ALLOWING myself to cry and feel and remember for the first time in so very long. The epiphany is I believe it's the key to my healing. If I don't feel then I will never heal from this great loss. It explains why I haven't healed so far. I can shut down my emotions, I am good at that. I've done so my entire life. No details but some of you know my life story, it's filled with so much pain and tragedy. I can talk myself out of crying. What's the point? It doesn't change anything. These are the words I use.
Last week while the kids were in school I watched a movie that I haven't seen in almost 20 years. It was on HBO and all of sudden it brought me back to Jeff. It was "Sabrina," the remake with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond made in 1995. Jeff took me to see it when we were dating, he had already seen it and was very pressing that I see it with him. It all came back to me as I watched it. Linus Larrabee, Harrison's character was a workaholic, never had time for anything but work. Certainly not love. He was falling for Sabrina. At the end of the movie, a key part in the movie, I could feel Jeff staring at me in the dark. Why wasn't he watching the movie? At this moment in the movie, Linus tells Sabrina's father "But I need her, and I don't need anything."
Later Jeff took me home to my parents home (yes, I was living at home) and he was flustered about. He talked of being able to be focused on his work and what needed to be done. He was always able to be in control of himself and his emotions and he was having a hard time doing that lately. He was frustrated with himself. I just smiled. I knew what was going on. He was falling in love with me. What was even more amazing was, I had nothing to do with it. It was all God. You see Jeff was used to girls throwing themselves at him, I witnessed it in our singles group. I had no interest in doing that. I've always been a girl who didn't need a man to "complete her." I wasn't doing stuff to impress him so if he was falling in love with me then it was God changing his heart. What a cool thing to witness, a man being undone by love. For me also. I had never felt love like this before.
I share this story with you because it's a sweet memory. God is now giving me sweet memories and I don't have to be afraid to feel them. It sounds silly now to think feeling can make you weak but that is what I had convinced myself I was. To feel means every emotion possible, here are just a few I am feeling:
Grief, brave, lonely, weepy, challenged, angry, refreshed, cheated, wanted, different.
Eyes wide open. I live there now. The up side is I am fully present and fully aware, fully engaged with my children. It's not a down side but I can be reduced to tears in a moment. Last week I stopped by the mall to return something on a weekday morning. I despise the mall. As I stepped inside, there was an elderly couple in front of me in tennis shoes walking laps around the mall. So sweet as they walked and held hands. I could not stop the tears from coming. These couples were everywhere. I love love. Such a fan. Wishing for a moment that will never be I suppose. I again realize I am grieving. I have to do this. I have to feel to heal. And I will.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
Memories
Your town is probably like my town. A favorite store, restaurant or hang out has closed in the past few years due to our declining economy. Some were big chain stores,some were locally owned. We have memories tied up in places. Or at least I do. I have so many great memories from college in Phoenix, at Grand Canyon University. I made great friendships, even though I was a bit older than my friends, I completely dove into college life and living on campus.
My closest girlfriends were Kristen (Woods) Spiker and Marta (Oti) Sears. Back in the day, there was a "one-movie only" theater called the Cine Capri at the corner of 24th St. and Camelback Rd. It had been there a long time, very grand inside, the curtain would open and close. Us three college girls would dress up on a Saturday, go see a movie there and then go out to eat. I can remember we saw, "Circle of Friends" and "The Joy Luck Club" and "The Age of Innocence."
I remember Marta and I bawling through "The Joy Luck Club," it dealt with mother/daughter relationships and abandonment issues. And Kristen having her moment during "The Age of Innocence." These times are still fresh in my mind. The very last movie I ever saw there was "Braveheart."
Jeff and I were dating and working with the singles at our church. He had already seen it and really wanted me to see it also. So one of the guys from our group, Matt Morales and I went to see it at the Cine Capri. I will never forget it. That movie was so stirring and emotional that when it was over we both walked out and neither one of us could speak. We walked to our cars and drove off. It made such an impact. Those are my memories of this theater.
It's been closed for some time, for years and years. So is the memory tied up in a place or in people? Maybe a bit of both. I saw "Les Miserables" yesterday and truth be told I was prepared to have a full-on cry fest. Brought two packages of Kleenex. Nothing emotionally happened for me. I wanted it to. I thought it was great but I felt no connection. This has really been bothering me.
You see the first time I was introduced to "Les Miserables," was on stage by Jeff the day he proposed to me in June 1996. It was a magical day. I saw this incredible musical before he popped the question; the story of redemption was so powerful, I cried throughout the show. And then a couple years ago, Music Theater of Wichita put it on at Century II. I could not stop bawling, it was a combination of remembering Jeff and the production.
All that said, memories are one of God's greatest gifts. Imagine if you didn't have them to draw from. Of course as we get older, there's so many to choose from. If you have lost a loved one, you cannot have them back but you have the memories of their life with you. That's pretty priceless. If you find yourself forgetting things, start writing them down or journaling.
If you've had a particularly painful, damaging life, I suppose you wouldn't want to think about your memories. I imagine you might ask God to help you replace those with new ones, it's never to late to move past your past. I know this firsthand, always a work in progress, I am.
I would love to hear about some of your favorite "location/friend/family" memories. Please share if you have a moment. Wishing you all a Happy New Year filled with wonderful memories!
My closest girlfriends were Kristen (Woods) Spiker and Marta (Oti) Sears. Back in the day, there was a "one-movie only" theater called the Cine Capri at the corner of 24th St. and Camelback Rd. It had been there a long time, very grand inside, the curtain would open and close. Us three college girls would dress up on a Saturday, go see a movie there and then go out to eat. I can remember we saw, "Circle of Friends" and "The Joy Luck Club" and "The Age of Innocence."
I remember Marta and I bawling through "The Joy Luck Club," it dealt with mother/daughter relationships and abandonment issues. And Kristen having her moment during "The Age of Innocence." These times are still fresh in my mind. The very last movie I ever saw there was "Braveheart."
Jeff and I were dating and working with the singles at our church. He had already seen it and really wanted me to see it also. So one of the guys from our group, Matt Morales and I went to see it at the Cine Capri. I will never forget it. That movie was so stirring and emotional that when it was over we both walked out and neither one of us could speak. We walked to our cars and drove off. It made such an impact. Those are my memories of this theater.
It's been closed for some time, for years and years. So is the memory tied up in a place or in people? Maybe a bit of both. I saw "Les Miserables" yesterday and truth be told I was prepared to have a full-on cry fest. Brought two packages of Kleenex. Nothing emotionally happened for me. I wanted it to. I thought it was great but I felt no connection. This has really been bothering me.
You see the first time I was introduced to "Les Miserables," was on stage by Jeff the day he proposed to me in June 1996. It was a magical day. I saw this incredible musical before he popped the question; the story of redemption was so powerful, I cried throughout the show. And then a couple years ago, Music Theater of Wichita put it on at Century II. I could not stop bawling, it was a combination of remembering Jeff and the production.
All that said, memories are one of God's greatest gifts. Imagine if you didn't have them to draw from. Of course as we get older, there's so many to choose from. If you have lost a loved one, you cannot have them back but you have the memories of their life with you. That's pretty priceless. If you find yourself forgetting things, start writing them down or journaling.
If you've had a particularly painful, damaging life, I suppose you wouldn't want to think about your memories. I imagine you might ask God to help you replace those with new ones, it's never to late to move past your past. I know this firsthand, always a work in progress, I am.
I would love to hear about some of your favorite "location/friend/family" memories. Please share if you have a moment. Wishing you all a Happy New Year filled with wonderful memories!
Monday, December 10, 2012
A Mess Worth Saving
It's been awhile, too long. Are you ready for Christmas? It's sort of a sad question, I'm sure it is to Jesus. We shouldn't have to get ready since He did all the work. But it gets lost in all the "magic" of the season which has nothing to do with Him. I know because I'm guilty of running around for that last minute gift, wrapping presents, being stressed out, spending too much money, etc.... It's so easy to do.
I've decided share something so deeply personal. Even as I'm typing there's an internal struggle going on. As a Christian, I know the enemy is real and he is the struggle part, wants to keep us in darkness. Jesus is all about light. He came to us on Christmas day, born in a lowly manger with barn animals. He was sent to be our Savior. My savior. Savior from our sins. So we could live eternally with Him. Life is and will be filled with hardships, struggles, pain, loss, suffering, temptations, difficulties for all peoples, believers included. And if some Christian tells you otherwise they are not being truthful. Yes, there will be joy, peace and love. God does promise He will never leave us or forsake us. But Trouble WILL come.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world
you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I have never blogged about my migraines. I don't know why, they have been such a huge part of my life. Many of you have been so faithful in praying for me. Over the past few years they have intensified and have grown to be almost more than I can handle. But what has also happened is a dependency on pain medication. Slowly increasing and so have the migraines. I could see it, a correlation but I was not willing to admit or address or acknowledge this.
Why? Because just as someone has an addiction to anything (alcohol, smoking, food, drugs, shopping) I couldn't, wouldn't, wasn't able, fear, embarrassed.....you fill in the blank. Get a migraine, take pain meds., get a migraine, take more pain meds. It was as though I was in a vicious cycle I couldn't get out of. For me, God orchestrated events that only He could have, I see it now. Two days before Thanksgiving I stopped taking pain meds. cold turkey, wouldn't recommend this, it was a rough 5 days. And here I am.
For the past 20 days, which to you may not seem like a lot, but for me it's bliss. I haven't feel this fully present in years, years. And guess what? My migraines have been almost obsolete. The few I've had, have been very minimal, manageable. It is though the pain medication actually made them worse. There's been a healing, not just of my dependency on pain medication but also of my migraine headaches. Not completely gone but who knows, God is big enough. I certainly know I was contributing to my own troubles.
I am not being a Pollyanna. I cannot have pain medication in my house. If I do, I will take it. I cannot be trusted with it. I am being completely honest here. I have friends who are keeping me in check and who can ask me at anytime about medication. Each day for the rest of my days this might be a struggle. But admitting this out loud was so freeing, the freeing the meds. from my body was torture and I never want to go through it again. Life is hard and will continue to be hard. We must only get our strength and help from Him.
There are many friends struggling this very minute. Maybe not with addiction, maybe you are. Some are dealing with cancer, loss of a family member (this is their first Christmas without them), sickness, divorce, loss of job or home, family member overseas in military. Please don't be afraid to be real. Say the words if you need help. I am so glad I did, Jesus had been waiting a long time for me. He never gave up. Nothing is too big for him to handle.
Is there anything I can pray for you this Christmas? Just remember, God sent His only son to be born in a manger on Christmas day because He loves you so very much. I am proof of it and will be so until He takes me home. And I will share every time He intervenes because I've made a mess. Messes are His specialty. Merry Christmas!
I've decided share something so deeply personal. Even as I'm typing there's an internal struggle going on. As a Christian, I know the enemy is real and he is the struggle part, wants to keep us in darkness. Jesus is all about light. He came to us on Christmas day, born in a lowly manger with barn animals. He was sent to be our Savior. My savior. Savior from our sins. So we could live eternally with Him. Life is and will be filled with hardships, struggles, pain, loss, suffering, temptations, difficulties for all peoples, believers included. And if some Christian tells you otherwise they are not being truthful. Yes, there will be joy, peace and love. God does promise He will never leave us or forsake us. But Trouble WILL come.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world
you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I have never blogged about my migraines. I don't know why, they have been such a huge part of my life. Many of you have been so faithful in praying for me. Over the past few years they have intensified and have grown to be almost more than I can handle. But what has also happened is a dependency on pain medication. Slowly increasing and so have the migraines. I could see it, a correlation but I was not willing to admit or address or acknowledge this.
Why? Because just as someone has an addiction to anything (alcohol, smoking, food, drugs, shopping) I couldn't, wouldn't, wasn't able, fear, embarrassed.....you fill in the blank. Get a migraine, take pain meds., get a migraine, take more pain meds. It was as though I was in a vicious cycle I couldn't get out of. For me, God orchestrated events that only He could have, I see it now. Two days before Thanksgiving I stopped taking pain meds. cold turkey, wouldn't recommend this, it was a rough 5 days. And here I am.
For the past 20 days, which to you may not seem like a lot, but for me it's bliss. I haven't feel this fully present in years, years. And guess what? My migraines have been almost obsolete. The few I've had, have been very minimal, manageable. It is though the pain medication actually made them worse. There's been a healing, not just of my dependency on pain medication but also of my migraine headaches. Not completely gone but who knows, God is big enough. I certainly know I was contributing to my own troubles.
I am not being a Pollyanna. I cannot have pain medication in my house. If I do, I will take it. I cannot be trusted with it. I am being completely honest here. I have friends who are keeping me in check and who can ask me at anytime about medication. Each day for the rest of my days this might be a struggle. But admitting this out loud was so freeing, the freeing the meds. from my body was torture and I never want to go through it again. Life is hard and will continue to be hard. We must only get our strength and help from Him.
There are many friends struggling this very minute. Maybe not with addiction, maybe you are. Some are dealing with cancer, loss of a family member (this is their first Christmas without them), sickness, divorce, loss of job or home, family member overseas in military. Please don't be afraid to be real. Say the words if you need help. I am so glad I did, Jesus had been waiting a long time for me. He never gave up. Nothing is too big for him to handle.
Is there anything I can pray for you this Christmas? Just remember, God sent His only son to be born in a manger on Christmas day because He loves you so very much. I am proof of it and will be so until He takes me home. And I will share every time He intervenes because I've made a mess. Messes are His specialty. Merry Christmas!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Oh No! Oops, I Did It Again!
Mondays can be rather slow moving, I figured it was time to share one of my, "How do I get myself into these situations?" Remember the collect call from the prisoner at Sedgwick County Jail? Everyone can use a laugh. My latest moment wasn't quite as bad but good enough to publish on the old blog.
I don't think it's a secret I've become somewhat of hermit these past 5 years. My true nature is extreme extrovert. Baby steps. Last Wednesday morning, the kids are gone by 6:50am (who comes up with this schedule?) and I am back home eating breakfast and watching Dr. Phil. Real exciting. It was a particularly impacting show, won of those "light bulb" moments. I don't need to go into detail just know I decided to go run errands and be more open to talking to people I don't know, etc...
I run to my bank and as I pull in, there's a man who has ran out of gas, pushing his car on 21st St/Tyler by himself. He can't push and steer it into the parking lot so I go in and make a deposit and tell them he needs help. They send out a girl, seriously. So, I'm walking out also and offer my help. He steers and she and I are pushing this car from behind into the parking lot (where are the guys when you need them?). Great, I've done my helpful deed and it feels good, I'll be on my way.
As the teller and I turn to go, he asks me if I'm doing anything right now. I answer no. He proceeds to ask me if I will drive him to his house to get a gas can. The teller looks at me and says, "I can vouch for him." I guess, I hope she knows him. Apparently, NO is not part of my vocabulary. Inside I'm freaking out. He is a big guy, he's so tall his knees are crammed into my dashboard. And all my K-State friends would never have let him in the car because he was wearing a KU Jayhawk shirt.
As we're driving down the road, my secret prayer is "Lord, please don't let him kill me." I said this over and over. I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds. I mean You Don't Get In the Car With a Stranger! When I pull up to his house and he's looking for the gas can in his garage it dawns on me...I have fully committed to the whole shebang. I now have to drive him to a gas station to get gas and then back to his car at the bank. Sometimes it's really hard to be me.
But while driving we are having small talk. He looked about my age. Through conversation I find out he's going to his 30 year high school reunion in the coming weekend for one of the Catholic High Schools. I mention I'm from Phoenix, didn't go to school here. And then I say, "But all the Wenzel's went to North." And just like that everything changed.
He asks if I know Jack Wenzel. Yes, he's my brother-in-law. I tell him I was married to Jeff. "I knew Jeff," he says. (Of course he does, and I was worried he was going to kill me). Ends up he went to OK Elementary and Hadley Middle School with them and then his mother made him go to a Catholic High School. He knew all about Jeff's brain cancer. He even knew his uncle L.D. and Aunt Marilyn.
These sorts of things happen to me a lot. First time I picked up a stranger and it ends up he knows the Wenzel's, but I don't recommend this as a way to meet people or get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes I wonder if Jeff is up there orchestrating these moments.
For future "get out of my comfort zone" situations, I'm thinking going to the gym might be a more sane option. Of course it would great if I hadn't just cancelled my membership. So, I'm looking for new and less dangerous ideas on how to interact with grown-ups, real adults who aren't my children. And if any of you run out of gas on purpose and call me.....well, I will probably come and help you. I'm just too nice.
I don't think it's a secret I've become somewhat of hermit these past 5 years. My true nature is extreme extrovert. Baby steps. Last Wednesday morning, the kids are gone by 6:50am (who comes up with this schedule?) and I am back home eating breakfast and watching Dr. Phil. Real exciting. It was a particularly impacting show, won of those "light bulb" moments. I don't need to go into detail just know I decided to go run errands and be more open to talking to people I don't know, etc...
I run to my bank and as I pull in, there's a man who has ran out of gas, pushing his car on 21st St/Tyler by himself. He can't push and steer it into the parking lot so I go in and make a deposit and tell them he needs help. They send out a girl, seriously. So, I'm walking out also and offer my help. He steers and she and I are pushing this car from behind into the parking lot (where are the guys when you need them?). Great, I've done my helpful deed and it feels good, I'll be on my way.
As the teller and I turn to go, he asks me if I'm doing anything right now. I answer no. He proceeds to ask me if I will drive him to his house to get a gas can. The teller looks at me and says, "I can vouch for him." I guess, I hope she knows him. Apparently, NO is not part of my vocabulary. Inside I'm freaking out. He is a big guy, he's so tall his knees are crammed into my dashboard. And all my K-State friends would never have let him in the car because he was wearing a KU Jayhawk shirt.
As we're driving down the road, my secret prayer is "Lord, please don't let him kill me." I said this over and over. I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds. I mean You Don't Get In the Car With a Stranger! When I pull up to his house and he's looking for the gas can in his garage it dawns on me...I have fully committed to the whole shebang. I now have to drive him to a gas station to get gas and then back to his car at the bank. Sometimes it's really hard to be me.
But while driving we are having small talk. He looked about my age. Through conversation I find out he's going to his 30 year high school reunion in the coming weekend for one of the Catholic High Schools. I mention I'm from Phoenix, didn't go to school here. And then I say, "But all the Wenzel's went to North." And just like that everything changed.
He asks if I know Jack Wenzel. Yes, he's my brother-in-law. I tell him I was married to Jeff. "I knew Jeff," he says. (Of course he does, and I was worried he was going to kill me). Ends up he went to OK Elementary and Hadley Middle School with them and then his mother made him go to a Catholic High School. He knew all about Jeff's brain cancer. He even knew his uncle L.D. and Aunt Marilyn.
These sorts of things happen to me a lot. First time I picked up a stranger and it ends up he knows the Wenzel's, but I don't recommend this as a way to meet people or get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes I wonder if Jeff is up there orchestrating these moments.
For future "get out of my comfort zone" situations, I'm thinking going to the gym might be a more sane option. Of course it would great if I hadn't just cancelled my membership. So, I'm looking for new and less dangerous ideas on how to interact with grown-ups, real adults who aren't my children. And if any of you run out of gas on purpose and call me.....well, I will probably come and help you. I'm just too nice.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Two Faces of Death (By Jeff Wenzel)
It's me, Reneene. We had a little flood a bit back and I still have boxes I'm going through. Jeff was asked to speak at our church during the Easter service in 2004, one year after diagnosis. They usually tape it but there were technical problems. Digging through a box a found the crumpled up paper, typed of what he shared that morning. I remember there being a lot of tears when he read the first part and walked off stage. I think our Pastor shared and then he came back and shared the second half of this. It still moves me as I type this. God was so Huge in his heart.
Two Faces of Death Easter 2004 (Jeff Wenzel)
Dark
Elie Wiesel's acclaimed book, "Night," he recounts the hanging of two men and a child. The entire concentration camp was forced to march past them and look them in the face. The adults were dead, but the third rope was still moving, being so light the child was still alive. Wiesel wrote, "For over half an hour the struggled between life and death, dying in slow agony before our eyes."
In response to my question regarding the cancerous tumor just removed from my brain, "is it conceivable that I will die of old age?" my oncologist replied "no, this is what you will die of, it's just a matter of how long."
Am I to twist on this rope before you for months, a year, a few, five?
Our Easter service here last year was a surreal experience. My first return to our church body upon hearing the grim prognosis. Noticing the uncomfortable glances, the sympathetic nods, like a man walking the green mile, "Dead Man Walking."
Last years cruel April Fools joke began with the uneasy questioning of the imaging technician half way through the MRI, asking how long did you say you've been having those headaches?
The tear filled eyes of our friend and doctor, Bruce Barclay as he informed us of what was on the prints we had rushed with to his office.
My friends Earnest and Terry, men not unfamiliar with trauma and crisis situations just being there at the hospital intake room. Not saying much, knowing platitudes would be empty and trite.
And maybe the most emblazoned memory of that day was the horrified, ashen face of my father, hands frantically groping along the glass entry way, grasping for the door of the hospital that held his son. The same hospital that ten years previous had attempted to help his brother. The same hospital where the neuro-surgeon emerged from the OR and conceded there was nothing he could do. He was twisting on the rope and no one could save him.
Death roars like a rolling, black thunderstorm engulfing the entire sky. Awesome in magnitude and power, no escape.
Who will protect and teach my children the things God intended me to teach them? Who will teach Benjamin to hit a baseball or Joseph to ride a bike without training wheels, to drive a car? Who will walk my daughter Olivia down the aisle?
Light
Spring is my favorite time of year. Two weeks after the surgery, as I walked in the cool of the morning by the lakes near our home, I marveled at the beauty of emerging life. God's various creations budding and blooming and chirping all around me. The blue sky, the white fluffy clouds. The peace and comfort of God wrapped around me and the thought of being in His presence right then and there was as real and sweet as the fragrance of the honeysuckles in the air.
Death holds a strange hold on most of the world. We all know it is inevitable, but we think we are immune, at least for awhile. I need not think of it. I am only in my thirties, I've never had a serious illness or even warning signs to concern me. I'm healthy.
I don't have any new insight into what lies on the other side of death's door, but the Living God has been so gracious to me over the years to allow me to see and experience at least a taste of His love. I have grown to trust in the Goodness of His character and His unwavering commitment to do good unto me. I believe He loves me more than I can even imagine. And the confidence I choose to place in Him has brought me incredible peace in the midst of what many may consider a cruel and horrible nightmare. I admit, I have had moments of fear and despair, but God's grace has been sufficient. Choosing to trust in Him despite the roaring waves that have risen up around us has given me a peace that transcends my understanding. A year ago, I couldn't imagine going through such a year as this, but Our Father is not shocked, surprised or intimidated by anything.
I told my fiancee Reneene, now my wife of 7 1/2 years, that life with me would not be boring, it would be a wild ride. Neither of us had any idea of how true that would be.
In the Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Beaver tells Lucy (referring to Aslan, the Christ figure), "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? He isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
God and the circumstances that He allows to come my way do not fit into my box of expectations, but I have come to believe that it is not foolhearty to trust everything to the one who has proven not merely His love, but His wisdom and capacity to transcend any and all things.
Two Faces of Death Easter 2004 (Jeff Wenzel)
Dark
Elie Wiesel's acclaimed book, "Night," he recounts the hanging of two men and a child. The entire concentration camp was forced to march past them and look them in the face. The adults were dead, but the third rope was still moving, being so light the child was still alive. Wiesel wrote, "For over half an hour the struggled between life and death, dying in slow agony before our eyes."
In response to my question regarding the cancerous tumor just removed from my brain, "is it conceivable that I will die of old age?" my oncologist replied "no, this is what you will die of, it's just a matter of how long."
Am I to twist on this rope before you for months, a year, a few, five?
Our Easter service here last year was a surreal experience. My first return to our church body upon hearing the grim prognosis. Noticing the uncomfortable glances, the sympathetic nods, like a man walking the green mile, "Dead Man Walking."
Last years cruel April Fools joke began with the uneasy questioning of the imaging technician half way through the MRI, asking how long did you say you've been having those headaches?
The tear filled eyes of our friend and doctor, Bruce Barclay as he informed us of what was on the prints we had rushed with to his office.
My friends Earnest and Terry, men not unfamiliar with trauma and crisis situations just being there at the hospital intake room. Not saying much, knowing platitudes would be empty and trite.
And maybe the most emblazoned memory of that day was the horrified, ashen face of my father, hands frantically groping along the glass entry way, grasping for the door of the hospital that held his son. The same hospital that ten years previous had attempted to help his brother. The same hospital where the neuro-surgeon emerged from the OR and conceded there was nothing he could do. He was twisting on the rope and no one could save him.
Death roars like a rolling, black thunderstorm engulfing the entire sky. Awesome in magnitude and power, no escape.
Who will protect and teach my children the things God intended me to teach them? Who will teach Benjamin to hit a baseball or Joseph to ride a bike without training wheels, to drive a car? Who will walk my daughter Olivia down the aisle?
Light
Spring is my favorite time of year. Two weeks after the surgery, as I walked in the cool of the morning by the lakes near our home, I marveled at the beauty of emerging life. God's various creations budding and blooming and chirping all around me. The blue sky, the white fluffy clouds. The peace and comfort of God wrapped around me and the thought of being in His presence right then and there was as real and sweet as the fragrance of the honeysuckles in the air.
Death holds a strange hold on most of the world. We all know it is inevitable, but we think we are immune, at least for awhile. I need not think of it. I am only in my thirties, I've never had a serious illness or even warning signs to concern me. I'm healthy.
I don't have any new insight into what lies on the other side of death's door, but the Living God has been so gracious to me over the years to allow me to see and experience at least a taste of His love. I have grown to trust in the Goodness of His character and His unwavering commitment to do good unto me. I believe He loves me more than I can even imagine. And the confidence I choose to place in Him has brought me incredible peace in the midst of what many may consider a cruel and horrible nightmare. I admit, I have had moments of fear and despair, but God's grace has been sufficient. Choosing to trust in Him despite the roaring waves that have risen up around us has given me a peace that transcends my understanding. A year ago, I couldn't imagine going through such a year as this, but Our Father is not shocked, surprised or intimidated by anything.
I told my fiancee Reneene, now my wife of 7 1/2 years, that life with me would not be boring, it would be a wild ride. Neither of us had any idea of how true that would be.
In the Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Beaver tells Lucy (referring to Aslan, the Christ figure), "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? He isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
God and the circumstances that He allows to come my way do not fit into my box of expectations, but I have come to believe that it is not foolhearty to trust everything to the one who has proven not merely His love, but His wisdom and capacity to transcend any and all things.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Worst Date Ever!
Sitting in the van with my kids this morning waiting for 3 different buses, the radio DJ gives the answer to...."What has 12% of women done on a first date?" Walk out. This led to me sharing my worst date ever story. Of course, the most interested was Olivia but thinking back it was rather eventful. I thought, why not share it with you. Maybe you can share yours with me or even your kids. For a good laugh.
Back in college (I went later in life), I was probably 28 and living on campus at Grand Canyon University and working at Caliber Bank (then Norwest Bank, then Wells Fargo, who knows what now). Life was college and working 20 hours a week. But I loved my life. Then something new started. I had acquired a secret admirer. He left typed notes on my campus apartment. Roses, Jelly Beans (as the note stated he knew Chocolate gave me migraines) and riddles of sorts. I had no clue who this could be.
But those of you who know me, know I'm a talker. So I talked to my friends wherever I was trying to figure out my mystery man. School, work, etc... And then one day my phone rang and it was "George" (not his real name and not Clooney, bummer). He was one of my co-workers who sat in the cubicle right next to mine. He was very quiet, shy, looked like a English professor with beard and glasses even though he was young. He said he was calling to tell me that he was in fact, my secret admirer.
Never would have guessed it. And the next questions, of course, would I go out on a date with him? How could I say no? Even though I was pretty sure there was nothing there going on from my end, no attraction/chemistry. But I agreed. We planned the time, details and he would pick me up.
Things I don't recommend for first dates:
Don't take them to Taco Bell for dinner.
Especially if you decide to stop at one of those strip mall carnivals. Because if you go on a ride that spins in circles and the ride operator leaves you on for extra time because no one else is there....you will throw up.
Not a great idea to "stop by a friend's house" and when you get there it's actually a "Singles Group Event" from the guy's church. And somehow you feel like they know more about you even though you just met all these strangers.
NEVER, EVER agree to play Sardines with people you don't know. What is Sardines? Brace yourself. You're in a house, all lights are turned off, one person who is "it" hides and you have to feel, crawl, touch your way around in the dark until you find that person. Then you all stay together like a bunch of Sardines.
My experience besides the awkwardness of the above description of the game and knowing no one, well, oh this gets so much worse. So, I'm crawling around in a carpeted living/family room. And all of a sudden, one of my knees (I was wearing jeans) becomes soaking wet. I have just landed in wetness. I touch the floor and sniff my hand (I have already thrown-up once) and I smell dog urine.
I start whispering loudly, "George, George." "Yeah." Trying to not overreact I say, "I'm in dog urine over here." So we feel our way outside, I at this point want to cry. Thankfully, he asks me what I want to do. I kindly say that I want to go home. Awkward drive home would be putting it lightly. I really think it wasn't so bad for him. He wanted to go out again. I was strong enough to say no, thank you.
I still have the secret admirer notes somewhere. Olivia is desperate for me to find them. Who knew our old stories would someday be fun times to share with our kids. Not funny at the time. So, what was your "Worst Date Ever?" If no one shares, I will be forced to tell you when I was auctioned off for a date, again at the same college (to bring in money for the school). That might have topped this one. That will be tomorrow's van story while waiting for the bus.
Remember the point of dating. Trying to see if the person is the one God has for you. It's worth every bad date if you end up with the best guy ever in the end.
Back in college (I went later in life), I was probably 28 and living on campus at Grand Canyon University and working at Caliber Bank (then Norwest Bank, then Wells Fargo, who knows what now). Life was college and working 20 hours a week. But I loved my life. Then something new started. I had acquired a secret admirer. He left typed notes on my campus apartment. Roses, Jelly Beans (as the note stated he knew Chocolate gave me migraines) and riddles of sorts. I had no clue who this could be.
But those of you who know me, know I'm a talker. So I talked to my friends wherever I was trying to figure out my mystery man. School, work, etc... And then one day my phone rang and it was "George" (not his real name and not Clooney, bummer). He was one of my co-workers who sat in the cubicle right next to mine. He was very quiet, shy, looked like a English professor with beard and glasses even though he was young. He said he was calling to tell me that he was in fact, my secret admirer.
Never would have guessed it. And the next questions, of course, would I go out on a date with him? How could I say no? Even though I was pretty sure there was nothing there going on from my end, no attraction/chemistry. But I agreed. We planned the time, details and he would pick me up.
Things I don't recommend for first dates:
Don't take them to Taco Bell for dinner.
Especially if you decide to stop at one of those strip mall carnivals. Because if you go on a ride that spins in circles and the ride operator leaves you on for extra time because no one else is there....you will throw up.
Not a great idea to "stop by a friend's house" and when you get there it's actually a "Singles Group Event" from the guy's church. And somehow you feel like they know more about you even though you just met all these strangers.
NEVER, EVER agree to play Sardines with people you don't know. What is Sardines? Brace yourself. You're in a house, all lights are turned off, one person who is "it" hides and you have to feel, crawl, touch your way around in the dark until you find that person. Then you all stay together like a bunch of Sardines.
My experience besides the awkwardness of the above description of the game and knowing no one, well, oh this gets so much worse. So, I'm crawling around in a carpeted living/family room. And all of a sudden, one of my knees (I was wearing jeans) becomes soaking wet. I have just landed in wetness. I touch the floor and sniff my hand (I have already thrown-up once) and I smell dog urine.
I start whispering loudly, "George, George." "Yeah." Trying to not overreact I say, "I'm in dog urine over here." So we feel our way outside, I at this point want to cry. Thankfully, he asks me what I want to do. I kindly say that I want to go home. Awkward drive home would be putting it lightly. I really think it wasn't so bad for him. He wanted to go out again. I was strong enough to say no, thank you.
I still have the secret admirer notes somewhere. Olivia is desperate for me to find them. Who knew our old stories would someday be fun times to share with our kids. Not funny at the time. So, what was your "Worst Date Ever?" If no one shares, I will be forced to tell you when I was auctioned off for a date, again at the same college (to bring in money for the school). That might have topped this one. That will be tomorrow's van story while waiting for the bus.
Remember the point of dating. Trying to see if the person is the one God has for you. It's worth every bad date if you end up with the best guy ever in the end.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Super Heroes
Summer is closing down. Kids have finally gone back to school. For me, it leaves me with some welcomed time alone. But also, un-welcomed time alone. Life is in constant movement, rarely leaving moments to reflect or think or dream or ponder. At least for me, at the end of all my summer days, exhaustion set in.
Here I am. Just me and silence. What do you think about when it's completely silent? Do you try to not let that happen because then you're forced to feel or deal with emotions you'd rather not have emerge. I get it. Silence is deafening!
Movies and music are what tap into my core. I read between the lines, I am a meaning person. Everything has to have meaning. What scares me the most is I will get to the end of my life and be stuck. Never having moved past the death of my dear husband. You can stop reading if this is if it's too heavy for you. But in the core of my being, it's what I wrestle with. I want to move on and live life to the fullest. I have yet to figure out day to day what that looks like.
Every anniversary hits hard. My dear friends encourage me, send a card, pray for me. But I always wonder are you really thinking...."When is she going to get over this?" I say this because a family member said to me on Friday, our wedding anniversary, when I mentioned I was a bit sad, "Oh my gosh, that was so long ago. It's all water under the bridge now." Wish there was a book on how to get over a loved one.
One thing that affected hugely this summer was "The Dark Knight Rises," the latest Batman movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't think what I will say will spoil anything. Bruce Wayne (Batman) has not been seen or heard of for eight years since the commissioner's death. He has gone into recluse if you will. He is physically injured, walking around with a cane. But his home is dark, not seeing visitors and he limps around in a bathrobe using that cane. For sure he has given up, checked out of life. Like a wounded warrior who's never gotten help.
I remember gasping at the scene of him and the dialog of why he's given up. I could feel emotions rise up in me. I am him. I may not be physically limping or even walk around in a bathrobe but I am him. I go through the motions. I do what's needed. I take care of my children. But Bruce Wayne has lost his purpose for living. He has lost his Hope. He has lost the vision of what his life was meant to be.
Have you had a loss so great that you feel this way? Maybe no one even knows. Maybe you wear a really good mask. Say all the right things. Do all the right things. Smile when you feel like crying. Why can't we be real with one another? It's just so important.
More often than not when we are hit with such a great loss, we lose our confidence. I have lost mine in many ways. It's easier to hide out in my house than go out in the "real" world and engage with people. I love to be inspired by others. Their stories of overcoming some amazing difficulty, loss or testing of their person.
Usually, I convince myself they are just stronger than me. I know this is not from Jesus. I don't need to be a superhero, I just need to be whoever God called me to be. And right now I'm not doing a very good job of it. What has he called you to do? What scares you the most about living completely trusting God with your life?
Being a Christian, I know all the "Christian" things to say. But I am human first, then I found Jesus. It doesn't change that I am still a sinner, a feeler, a hurter, a person who deals with loss, devastation, tragedy etc.... I just have Hope that this is not all there is in this life. I want to be like Jesus but some days the wounded part of me seems bigger than His part.
I am so thankful for God's mercy, grace and faithfulness to me because I have been a fair-weathered daughter to Him. He has felt all the emotions and pain that we do and gave His life for me and still never sinned. I have this precious example. But I get stuck in the mire of my loneliness and longing and pain. We can forget that He really is the only one who can help.
I am open to words of wisdom. I mean this entirely. I wish and desire to move out of my spot. To live in Joy. I have never found exactly how to do this. The migraines are a huge trip up for me. I want to lead by example to my children. I guess in some ways, be their superhero, without the cape. Show them how to love fully, live joyfully, trust completely even though my dear husband and their wonderful father lives in a place we can only imagine.
Here I am. Just me and silence. What do you think about when it's completely silent? Do you try to not let that happen because then you're forced to feel or deal with emotions you'd rather not have emerge. I get it. Silence is deafening!
Movies and music are what tap into my core. I read between the lines, I am a meaning person. Everything has to have meaning. What scares me the most is I will get to the end of my life and be stuck. Never having moved past the death of my dear husband. You can stop reading if this is if it's too heavy for you. But in the core of my being, it's what I wrestle with. I want to move on and live life to the fullest. I have yet to figure out day to day what that looks like.
Every anniversary hits hard. My dear friends encourage me, send a card, pray for me. But I always wonder are you really thinking...."When is she going to get over this?" I say this because a family member said to me on Friday, our wedding anniversary, when I mentioned I was a bit sad, "Oh my gosh, that was so long ago. It's all water under the bridge now." Wish there was a book on how to get over a loved one.
One thing that affected hugely this summer was "The Dark Knight Rises," the latest Batman movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't think what I will say will spoil anything. Bruce Wayne (Batman) has not been seen or heard of for eight years since the commissioner's death. He has gone into recluse if you will. He is physically injured, walking around with a cane. But his home is dark, not seeing visitors and he limps around in a bathrobe using that cane. For sure he has given up, checked out of life. Like a wounded warrior who's never gotten help.
I remember gasping at the scene of him and the dialog of why he's given up. I could feel emotions rise up in me. I am him. I may not be physically limping or even walk around in a bathrobe but I am him. I go through the motions. I do what's needed. I take care of my children. But Bruce Wayne has lost his purpose for living. He has lost his Hope. He has lost the vision of what his life was meant to be.
Have you had a loss so great that you feel this way? Maybe no one even knows. Maybe you wear a really good mask. Say all the right things. Do all the right things. Smile when you feel like crying. Why can't we be real with one another? It's just so important.
More often than not when we are hit with such a great loss, we lose our confidence. I have lost mine in many ways. It's easier to hide out in my house than go out in the "real" world and engage with people. I love to be inspired by others. Their stories of overcoming some amazing difficulty, loss or testing of their person.
Usually, I convince myself they are just stronger than me. I know this is not from Jesus. I don't need to be a superhero, I just need to be whoever God called me to be. And right now I'm not doing a very good job of it. What has he called you to do? What scares you the most about living completely trusting God with your life?
Being a Christian, I know all the "Christian" things to say. But I am human first, then I found Jesus. It doesn't change that I am still a sinner, a feeler, a hurter, a person who deals with loss, devastation, tragedy etc.... I just have Hope that this is not all there is in this life. I want to be like Jesus but some days the wounded part of me seems bigger than His part.
I am so thankful for God's mercy, grace and faithfulness to me because I have been a fair-weathered daughter to Him. He has felt all the emotions and pain that we do and gave His life for me and still never sinned. I have this precious example. But I get stuck in the mire of my loneliness and longing and pain. We can forget that He really is the only one who can help.
I am open to words of wisdom. I mean this entirely. I wish and desire to move out of my spot. To live in Joy. I have never found exactly how to do this. The migraines are a huge trip up for me. I want to lead by example to my children. I guess in some ways, be their superhero, without the cape. Show them how to love fully, live joyfully, trust completely even though my dear husband and their wonderful father lives in a place we can only imagine.
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