Memories

Your town is probably like my town.  A favorite store, restaurant or hang out has closed in the past few years due to our declining economy.  Some were big chain stores,some were locally owned.  We have memories tied up in places.  Or at least I do.  I have so many great memories from college in Phoenix, at Grand Canyon University.  I made great friendships, even though I was a bit older than my friends, I completely dove into college life and living on campus.

My closest girlfriends were Kristen (Woods) Spiker and Marta (Oti) Sears.  Back in the day, there was a "one-movie only" theater called the Cine Capri at the corner of 24th St. and Camelback Rd.  It had been there a long time, very grand inside, the curtain would open and close.  Us three college girls would dress up on a Saturday, go see a movie there and then go out to eat.  I can remember we saw, "Circle of Friends" and "The Joy Luck Club" and "The Age of Innocence." 

I remember Marta and I bawling through "The Joy Luck Club," it dealt with mother/daughter relationships and abandonment issues.  And Kristen having her moment during "The Age of Innocence."  These times are still fresh in my mind.  The very last movie I ever saw there was "Braveheart."

Jeff and I were dating and working with the singles at our church. He had already seen it and really wanted me to see it also.  So one of the guys from our group, Matt Morales and I went to see it at the Cine Capri.  I will never forget it.  That movie was so stirring and emotional that when it was over we both walked out and neither one of us could speak.  We walked to our cars and drove off.  It made such an impact.  Those are my memories of this theater. 

It's been closed for some time, for years and years.  So is the memory tied up in a place or in people? Maybe a bit of both.  I saw "Les Miserables" yesterday and truth be told I was prepared to have a full-on cry fest.  Brought two packages of Kleenex.  Nothing emotionally happened for me.  I wanted it to.  I thought it was great but I felt no connection.  This has really been bothering me.

You see the first time I was introduced to "Les Miserables," was on stage by Jeff the day he proposed to me in June 1996.  It was a magical day.  I saw this incredible musical before he popped the question; the story of redemption was so powerful, I cried throughout the show.  And then a couple years ago, Music Theater of Wichita put it on at Century II.  I could not stop bawling, it was a combination of remembering Jeff and the production.  

All that said, memories are one of God's greatest gifts. Imagine if you didn't have them to draw from.  Of course as we get older, there's so many to choose from.  If you have lost a loved one, you cannot have them back but you have the memories of their life with you.  That's pretty priceless.  If you find yourself forgetting things, start writing them down or journaling.  

If you've had a particularly painful, damaging life, I suppose you wouldn't want to think about your memories.  I imagine you might ask God to help you replace those with new ones, it's never to late to move past your past.  I know this firsthand, always a work in progress, I am.

I would love to hear about some of your favorite "location/friend/family" memories.  Please share if you have a moment.  Wishing you all a Happy New Year filled with wonderful memories!

A Mess Worth Saving

It's been awhile, too long.  Are you ready for Christmas?  It's sort of a sad question, I'm sure it is to Jesus.  We shouldn't have to get ready since He did all the work.  But it gets lost in all the "magic" of the season which has nothing to do with Him.  I know because I'm guilty of running around for that last minute gift, wrapping presents, being stressed out, spending too much money, etc.... It's so easy to do.

I've decided share something so deeply personal.  Even as I'm typing there's an internal struggle going on.  As a Christian, I know the enemy is real and he is the struggle part, wants to keep us in darkness.  Jesus is all about light.  He came to us on Christmas day, born in a lowly manger with barn animals.  He was sent to be our Savior.  My savior.  Savior from our sins.  So we could live eternally with Him.  Life is and will be filled with hardships, struggles, pain, loss, suffering, temptations, difficulties for all peoples, believers included.  And if some Christian tells you otherwise they are not being truthful.  Yes, there will be joy, peace and love.  God does promise He will never leave us or forsake us.  But Trouble WILL come.

          "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world
           you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

I have never blogged about my migraines.  I don't know why, they have been such a huge part of my life.  Many of you have been so faithful in praying for me.  Over the past few years they have intensified and have grown to be almost more than I can handle.  But what has also happened is a dependency on pain medication.  Slowly increasing and so have the migraines.  I could see it, a correlation but I was not willing to admit or address or acknowledge this.

Why?  Because just as someone has an addiction to anything (alcohol, smoking, food, drugs, shopping) I couldn't, wouldn't, wasn't able, fear, embarrassed.....you fill in the blank.  Get a migraine, take pain meds., get a migraine, take more pain meds.  It was as though I was in a vicious cycle I couldn't get out of.  For me, God orchestrated events that only He could have, I see it now.  Two days before Thanksgiving I stopped taking pain meds. cold turkey, wouldn't recommend this, it was a rough 5 days.  And here I am.

For the past 20 days, which to you may not seem like a lot, but for me it's bliss.  I haven't feel this fully present in years, years.  And guess what?  My migraines have been almost obsolete.  The few I've had, have been very minimal, manageable.  It is though the pain medication actually made them worse.  There's been a healing, not just of my dependency on pain medication but also of my migraine headaches.  Not completely gone but who knows, God is big enough.  I certainly know I was contributing to my own troubles.

I am not being a Pollyanna.  I cannot have pain medication in my house.  If I do, I will take it.  I cannot be trusted with it.  I am being completely honest here.  I have friends who are keeping me in check and who can ask me at anytime about medication.  Each day for the rest of my days this might be a struggle.  But admitting this out loud was so freeing, the freeing the meds. from my body was torture and I never want to go through it again.  Life is hard and will continue to be hard.  We must only get our strength and help from Him.

There are many friends struggling this very minute.  Maybe not with addiction, maybe you are.  Some are dealing with cancer, loss of a family member (this is their first Christmas without them), sickness, divorce, loss of job or home, family member overseas in military.  Please don't be afraid to be real.  Say the words if you need help.  I am so glad I did, Jesus had been waiting a long time for me.  He never gave up.  Nothing is too big for him to handle.

Is there anything I can pray for you this Christmas?  Just remember, God sent His only son to be born in a manger on Christmas day because He loves you so very much.  I am proof of it and will be so until He takes me home.  And I will share every time He intervenes because I've made a mess.  Messes are His specialty.  Merry Christmas!

Oh No! Oops, I Did It Again!

Mondays can be rather slow moving, I figured it was time to share one of my, "How do I get myself into these situations?"  Remember the collect call from the prisoner at Sedgwick County Jail?  Everyone can use a laugh.  My latest moment wasn't quite as bad but good enough to publish on the old blog.

I don't think it's a secret I've become somewhat of hermit these past 5 years.  My true nature is extreme extrovert.  Baby steps.  Last Wednesday morning, the kids are gone by 6:50am (who comes up with this schedule?) and I am back home eating breakfast and watching Dr. Phil.  Real exciting.  It was a particularly impacting show, won of those "light bulb" moments.  I don't need to go into detail just know I decided to go run errands and be more open to talking to people I don't know, etc...

I run to my bank and as I pull in, there's a man who has ran out of gas, pushing his car on 21st St/Tyler by himself.  He can't push and steer it into the parking lot so I go in and make a deposit and tell them he needs help.  They send out a girl, seriously.  So, I'm walking out also and offer my help.  He steers and she and I are pushing this car from behind into the parking lot (where are the guys when you need them?).  Great, I've done my helpful deed and it feels good, I'll be on my way.

As the teller and I turn to go, he asks me if I'm doing anything right now.  I answer no.  He proceeds to ask me if I will drive him to his house to get a gas can.  The teller looks at me and says, "I can vouch for him."  I guess, I hope she knows him.  Apparently, NO is not part of my vocabulary.  Inside I'm freaking out.  He is a big guy, he's so tall his knees are crammed into my dashboard.  And all my K-State friends would never have let him in the car because he was wearing a KU Jayhawk shirt.

As we're driving down the road, my secret prayer is "Lord, please don't let him kill me."  I said this over and over.  I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds.  I mean You Don't Get In the Car With a Stranger! When I pull up to his house and he's looking for the gas can in his garage it dawns on me...I have fully committed to the whole shebang.  I now have to drive him to a gas station to get gas and then back to his car at the bank.  Sometimes it's really hard to be me.

But while driving we are having small talk.  He looked about my age.  Through conversation I find out he's going to his 30 year high school reunion in the coming weekend for one of the Catholic High Schools.  I mention I'm from Phoenix, didn't go to school here.  And then I say, "But all the Wenzel's went to North."  And just like that everything changed.

He asks if I know Jack Wenzel. Yes, he's my brother-in-law.  I tell him I was married to Jeff.  "I knew Jeff," he says.  (Of course he does, and I was worried he was going to kill me).  Ends up he went to OK Elementary and Hadley Middle School with them and then his mother made him go to a Catholic High School.  He knew all about Jeff's brain cancer.  He even knew his uncle L.D. and Aunt Marilyn.

These sorts of things happen to me a lot.  First time I picked up a stranger and it ends up he knows the Wenzel's, but I don't recommend this as a way to meet people or get out of your comfort zone.  Sometimes I wonder if Jeff is up there orchestrating these moments. 

For future "get out of my comfort zone" situations, I'm thinking going to the gym might be a more sane option.  Of course it would great if I hadn't just cancelled my membership.  So, I'm looking for new and less dangerous ideas on how to interact with grown-ups, real adults who aren't my children.  And if any of you run out of gas on purpose and call me.....well, I will probably come and help you.  I'm just too nice.

Two Faces of Death (By Jeff Wenzel)

It's me, Reneene.  We had a little flood a bit back and I still have boxes I'm going through.  Jeff was asked to speak at our church during the Easter service in 2004, one year after diagnosis.  They usually tape it but there were technical problems.  Digging through a box a found the crumpled up paper, typed of what he shared that morning.  I remember there being a lot of tears when he read the first part and walked off stage.  I think our Pastor shared and then he came back and shared the second half of this.  It still moves me as I type this.  God was so Huge in his heart.

Two Faces of Death   Easter 2004   (Jeff Wenzel)
Dark

Elie Wiesel's acclaimed book, "Night," he recounts the hanging of two men and a child.  The entire concentration camp was forced to march past them and look them in the face.  The adults were dead, but the third rope was still moving, being so light the child was still alive.  Wiesel wrote, "For over half an hour the struggled between life and death, dying in slow agony before our eyes."

In response to my question regarding the cancerous tumor just removed from my brain, "is it conceivable that I will die of old age?" my oncologist replied "no, this is what you will die of, it's just a matter of how long."

Am I to twist on this rope before you for months, a year, a few, five?

Our Easter service here last year was a surreal experience.  My first return to our church body upon hearing the grim prognosis.  Noticing the uncomfortable glances, the sympathetic nods, like a man walking the green mile, "Dead Man Walking."

Last years cruel April Fools joke began with the uneasy questioning of the imaging technician half way through the MRI, asking how long did you say you've been having those headaches?

The tear filled eyes of our friend and doctor, Bruce Barclay as he informed us of what was on the prints we had rushed with to his office.

My friends Earnest and Terry, men not unfamiliar with trauma and crisis situations just being there at the hospital intake room.  Not saying much, knowing platitudes would be empty and trite.

And maybe the most emblazoned memory of that day was the horrified, ashen face of my father, hands frantically groping along the glass entry way, grasping for the door of the hospital that held his son.  The same hospital that ten years previous had attempted to help his brother.  The same hospital where the neuro-surgeon emerged from the OR and conceded there was nothing he could do.  He was twisting on the rope and no one could save him.

Death roars like a rolling, black thunderstorm engulfing the entire sky.  Awesome in magnitude and power, no escape.

Who will protect and teach my children the things God intended me to teach them?  Who will teach Benjamin to hit a baseball or Joseph to ride a bike without training wheels, to drive a car?  Who will walk my daughter Olivia down the aisle?


Light

Spring is my favorite time of year.  Two weeks after the surgery, as I walked in the cool of the morning by the lakes near our home, I marveled at the beauty of emerging life.  God's various creations budding and blooming and chirping all around me.  The blue sky, the white fluffy clouds.  The peace and comfort of God wrapped around me and the thought of being in His presence right then and there was as real and sweet as the fragrance of the honeysuckles in the air.

Death holds a strange hold on most of the world.  We all know it is inevitable, but we think we are immune, at least for awhile.  I need not think of it.  I am only in my thirties, I've never had a serious illness or even warning signs to concern me.  I'm healthy.

I don't have any new insight into what lies on the other side of death's door, but the Living God has been so gracious to me over the years to allow me to see and experience at least a taste of His love.  I have grown to trust in the Goodness of His character and His unwavering commitment to do good unto me.  I believe He loves me more than I can even imagine.  And the confidence I choose to place in Him has brought me incredible peace in the midst of what many may consider a cruel and horrible nightmare.  I admit, I have had moments of fear and despair, but God's grace has been sufficient.  Choosing to trust in Him despite the roaring waves that have risen up around us has given me a peace that transcends my understanding.  A year ago, I couldn't imagine going through such a year as this, but Our Father is not shocked, surprised or intimidated by anything.

I told my fiancee Reneene, now my wife of 7 1/2 years, that life with me would not be boring, it would be a wild ride.  Neither of us had any idea of how true that would be.

In the Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Beaver tells Lucy (referring to Aslan, the Christ figure), "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you?  Who said anything about safe?  He isn't safe.  But he's good.  He's the King, I tell you."

God and the circumstances that He allows to come my way do not fit into my box of expectations, but I have come to believe that it is not foolhearty to trust everything to the one who has proven not merely His love, but His wisdom and capacity to transcend any and all things.

Worst Date Ever!

Sitting in the van with my kids this morning waiting for 3 different buses, the radio DJ gives the answer to...."What has 12% of women done on a first date?"  Walk out.  This led to me sharing my worst date ever story.  Of course, the most interested was Olivia but thinking back it was rather eventful.  I thought, why not share it with you.  Maybe you can share yours with me or even your kids.  For a good laugh.

Back in college (I went later in life), I was probably 28 and living on campus at Grand Canyon University and working at Caliber Bank (then Norwest Bank, then Wells Fargo, who knows what now).  Life was college and working 20 hours a week.  But I loved my life.  Then something new started.  I had acquired a secret admirer.  He left typed notes on my campus apartment.  Roses, Jelly Beans (as the note stated he knew Chocolate gave me migraines) and riddles of sorts.  I had no clue who this could be.

But those of you who know me, know I'm a talker.  So I talked to my friends wherever I was trying to figure out my mystery man.  School, work, etc... And then one day my phone rang and it was "George" (not his real name and not Clooney, bummer).  He was one of my co-workers who sat in the cubicle right next to mine.  He was very quiet, shy, looked like a English professor with beard and glasses even though he was young.  He said he was calling to tell me that he was in fact, my secret admirer.

Never would have guessed it.  And the next questions, of course, would I go out on a date with him?  How could I say no?  Even though I was pretty sure there was nothing there going on from my end, no attraction/chemistry.  But I agreed. We planned the time, details and he would pick me up.

Things I don't recommend for first dates:

Don't take them to Taco Bell for dinner.

Especially if you decide to stop at one of those strip mall carnivals. Because if you go on a ride that spins in circles and the ride operator leaves you on for extra time because no one else is there....you will throw up.

Not a great idea to "stop by a friend's house" and when you get there it's actually a "Singles Group Event" from the guy's church.  And somehow you feel like they know more about you even though you just met all these strangers.

NEVER, EVER agree to play Sardines with people you don't know.  What is Sardines?  Brace yourself.  You're in a house, all lights are turned off, one person who is "it" hides and you have to feel, crawl, touch your way around in the dark until you find that person.  Then you all stay together like a bunch of Sardines. 

My experience besides the awkwardness of the above description of the game and knowing no one, well, oh this gets so much worse.   So, I'm crawling around in a carpeted living/family room.  And all of a sudden, one of my knees (I was wearing jeans) becomes soaking wet.  I have just landed in wetness.  I touch the floor and sniff my hand (I have already thrown-up once) and I smell dog urine.

I start whispering loudly, "George, George."  "Yeah."  Trying to not overreact I say, "I'm in dog urine over here."  So we feel our way outside, I at this point want to cry.  Thankfully, he asks me what I want to do.  I kindly say that I want to go home.   Awkward drive home would be putting it lightly.  I really think it wasn't so bad for him.  He wanted to go out again.  I was strong enough to say no, thank you.

I still have the secret admirer notes somewhere.  Olivia is desperate for me to find them.  Who knew our old stories would someday be fun times to share with our kids.  Not funny at the time.  So, what was your "Worst Date Ever?"  If no one shares, I will be forced to tell you when I was auctioned off for a date, again at the same college (to bring in money for the school).  That might have topped this one.  That will be tomorrow's van story while waiting for the bus.

Remember the point of dating.  Trying to see if the person is the one God has for you.  It's worth every bad date if you end up with the best guy ever in the end.

Super Heroes

Summer is closing down.  Kids have finally gone back to school.  For me, it leaves me with some welcomed time alone.  But also, un-welcomed time alone.  Life is in constant movement, rarely leaving moments to reflect or think or dream or ponder.  At least for me, at the end of all my summer days, exhaustion set in.

Here I am.  Just me and silence.  What do you think about when it's completely silent?  Do you try to not let that happen because then you're forced to feel or deal with emotions you'd rather not have emerge.  I get it. Silence is deafening!

Movies and music are what tap into my core.  I read between the lines, I am a meaning person.  Everything has to have meaning.  What scares me the most is I will get to the end of my life and be stuck.  Never having moved past the death of my dear husband.  You can stop reading if this is if it's too heavy for you.  But in the core of my being, it's what I wrestle with.  I want to move on and live life to the fullest.  I have yet to figure out day to day what that looks like.

Every anniversary hits hard.  My dear friends encourage me, send a card, pray for me.  But I always wonder are you really thinking...."When is she going to get over this?"  I say this because a family member said to me on Friday, our wedding anniversary, when I mentioned I was a bit sad, "Oh my gosh, that was so long ago.  It's all water under the bridge now."  Wish there was a book on how to get over a loved one.

One thing that affected hugely this summer was "The Dark Knight Rises," the latest Batman movie.  If you haven't seen it, I don't think what I will say will spoil anything.  Bruce Wayne (Batman) has not been seen or heard of for eight years since the commissioner's death.  He has gone into recluse if you will.  He is physically injured, walking around with a cane.  But his home is dark, not seeing visitors and he limps around in a bathrobe using that cane.  For sure he has given up, checked out of life.  Like a wounded warrior who's never gotten help.

I remember gasping at the scene of him and the dialog of why he's given up.  I could feel emotions rise up in me.  I am him.  I may not be physically limping or even walk around in a bathrobe but I am him.  I go through the motions.  I do what's needed.  I take care of my children.  But Bruce Wayne has lost his purpose for living.  He has lost his Hope.  He has lost the vision of what his life was meant to be.

Have you had a loss so great that you feel this way?  Maybe no one even knows.  Maybe you wear a really good mask.  Say all the right things.  Do all the right things.  Smile when you feel like crying.  Why can't we be real with one another?  It's just so important.

More often than not when we are hit with such a great loss, we lose our confidence.  I have lost mine in many ways.  It's easier to hide out in my house than go out in the "real" world and engage with people.  I love to be inspired by others.  Their stories of overcoming some amazing difficulty, loss or testing of their person.

Usually, I convince myself they are just stronger than me.  I know this is not from Jesus.  I don't need to be a superhero, I just need to be whoever God called me to be.  And right now I'm not doing a very good job of it.  What has he called you to do?  What scares you the most about living completely trusting God with your life? 

Being a Christian, I know all the "Christian" things to say.  But I am human first, then I found Jesus.  It doesn't change that I am still a sinner, a feeler, a hurter, a person who deals with loss, devastation, tragedy etc.... I just have Hope that this is not all there is in this life.  I want to be like Jesus but some days the wounded part of me seems bigger than His part.

I am so thankful for God's mercy, grace and faithfulness to me because I have been a fair-weathered daughter to Him.  He has felt all the emotions and pain that we do and gave His life for me and still never sinned.  I have this precious example.   But I get stuck in the mire of my loneliness and longing and pain.  We can forget that He really is the only one who can help. 

I am open to words of wisdom.  I mean this entirely.  I wish and desire to move out of my spot.  To live in Joy.  I have never found exactly how to do this.  The migraines are a huge trip up for me.  I want to lead by example to my children.  I guess in some ways, be their superhero, without the cape.  Show them how to love fully, live joyfully, trust completely even though my dear husband and their wonderful father lives in a place we can only imagine. 

Saying Goodbye to a Friend

I have so many things I want to write about but I never seem to put them on the blog.  It's very difficult to have a "Blog in your Brain."  Today I am forcing myself to sit and write about something most of us are uncomfortable with...death.  And what to say or not to say when someone has passed away.  I am not an expert.  I have not written any books.  I feel compelled to write only because I have personally experienced the death of a close loved one.  As most of you know, my dear husband Jeff lost his 4-year battle with brain cancer in 2007. 

Noone signs up for this.  But I feel a responsibitly to share my thoughts on this subject. Take it if you will or not.  The reason there is no right way to grieve the loss of a loved one is every person is different.  You cannot put people in a box and expect they will respond as you do. Cry, scream, be quiet, pull-away, be angry for a bit, need others, etc...whatever you do, just make sure you grieve.

A high school classmate has just lost her battle with cancer and many of you are feeling the pain of Jodi's passing.  She was so young.  It makes you mad, that cancer is taking so many lives.  I completely agree.  It seems we have no control who it takes and who it doesn't.  If you are a believer in Jesus, as I am, I know He is bigger than cancer.  I know one day I will see my Jeff again.  But the day to day pain of the loss of that person is great. 

I believe when it comes to death, we are uncomfortable with it.  Nobody wants to be around it or become friends with it.  The thing is, it will come to us all.  And if we had our choice it look be something like this.  We would grow old with our loved ones and we would pass away quietly in our sleep after living a long pain-free life.  Sounds so good.

Even how we approach death reflects who we are.  I am, as you know a transparent person, to a fault at times.  I live life like an open book.  And on Jeff's last day on earth, he was surrounded by about 30 people crammed in our little bedroom when he took his last breath.  This may seem wild to you but this is how he lived his life, it was always about others.  This seemed normal to me.

You may be a private person and want only close family there.  Again there is no right or wrong way to approach this.  The one thing we do have control over is what we say.  And trust me I have put my foot in my mouth on many occasions.

I believe people have good in their hearts and want only to encourage and help the family/friends who are grieving when they get to the visitation or funeral.  Or even the weeks/months to come.  Often with good intentions they say something which is not helpful. 

As a widow, some of the things I would suggest not saying:

"God just needed another angel up in heaven."  I can assure He doesn't and this doesn't make them feel better.

"He/she is in a better place now."  Of course, they know that logically but their heart is wanting them here.

"At least you had (fill in the blank) years with them."  There is no amount of time that will ever be enough.

"God is your husband now."  Someone actually did say this to me.  Not helpful.

"I understand how you feel because I lost my......"  Even if was the exact same family member, it's not going to feel the exact same.  And this isn't the time to share your story with them.


The best thing you can say to a grieving person is...."I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you."  You think that's not enough?  Is there anything at all you could say to change what they are going through or to bring their person back?  Then I can assure you this is best you can offer.

Don't forget about close friends to the person who are also grieving.  There is a big hole in their life also and remembering them is just as important as the family.  Let them know you are there for them in weeks and months to come.   And don't forget to check in on them.  All the "firsts" (holidays, birthday) will be hard to go through.  Don't be afraid to say the loved one's name aloud after time has passed.  Sometimes people think if they bring up the person's name it will be too much for a loved one so they never do.  Actually, never talking about them or sharing favorite memories is harder than remembering times you shared.

If you are a doer then by all means do something.  Make a meal, offer to run errands, be there to listen, help shop/wrap for the 1st Christmas etc... However you are gifted, just give.  Send a note or message just saying you're thinking about them is great.

And most of all, time doesn't heal but it does get easier. Remember you never ever stop loving and missing that person.  Trust me when I say, they are never going to "get over" the loss of their loved one.  I have learned how to live without Jeff but my heart aches often.  Tears come when they come.  You can not order grief, it is messy.  Be understanding.  Your feelings might get hurt because sometimes that happens.  Just remember YOUR relationship with the person who has passed, what they meant to you.  You have your memories and the family has theirs.

I am thinking about dear Jodi and her bright spirit these past few months.  I wish I was in Phoenix and could offer my sympathy.  But I cannot so I offer up this blog entry in her honor.  And yes, she was much too young.  She will be missed.  And I am lifting up her family and dear friends in prayer. 

Peace to you during this time, Reneene

Best Mother's Day So Far!

It's been the best Mother's Day of all my 14 years.  A near perfect would've been if I had my oldest with me on this day (and of course Jeff).  And I didn't get a card, gift, letter or even our annual lunch to DeFazio's (yum).  I was 3 1/2 hours away at a baseball tournament with my two younger kids who fight like cats and dogs.  So how could this be so great?

Every year it's the same song and dance.  They act like they always do and I am grumpy and crabby and sound something like "can you please get along for one day?  This is Mother's Day for crying out loud!  I only get one day a year."  Sound familiar?  So who wouldn't be miserable?  Kids are going to act like kids but somehow I demand perfection on this one day.  How many mom's end up disappointed?  One for sure.

I made a conscious choice to not make this day about me.  But about my children.  Wow,  I wasn't disappointed at all.  Olivia and I drove home singing at the top of our lungs to my new Jamie Grace CD.  We ate at a kid-friendly restaurant.  I truly enjoyed my children for the first time ever on Mother's Day.  And the two kids who always fight.  Didn't. 

What I realized is they are the reason we celebrate the holiday.  If there wasn't them, well I can't imagine. And it became clear.  If I put all my focus on the card, flowers, presents, behavior, I am missing the most important thing. Not me but them.  God allowed me to be their mom.  It's a privilege.  I get my special moments when I don't demand or expect it.  At night when I'm praying with them and they wrap their arms around my neck and hug me.  It keeps me going through exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, etc.. Mostly, while we're trying to teach them to be unselfish and giving, I am learning the same. 

I believe this was a life-changing moment in time for me.  God really opened up my eyes.  I saw beauty everywhere driving home and those who know me, know I'm NOT a road-trip gal.  Funny how so many times we think everyone else is the problem and if they would just change....today I sat back and enjoyed the gifts you cannot buy in a store.  Gratefulness.  Happy Mother's Day.

Remembering Jeff

Who wants to stay in bed all day and not move?  That would be me!  I was unaware of how hard this week would be.  Grateful for good friends.  My dear Hoopla Sister is dragging me (against my will) out of the house and rescuing me from myself.  As you go about your day today, I thought maybe I would list ideas of how you can Remember Jeff. 

These are some of his favorites:

Eat an apple (he fully believed it was the cure to all ailments)
Hang out with a good friend (Jeff had so many close friends)
Go for a walk, anywhere (he loved walking our neighborhood)
Watch one of his favorite movies:  It's a Wonderful Life, Cinderella Man,
                                                    My Cousin Vinny
Read Psalm 112:1-9  (he loved this passage, it was read at the funeral)
Eat a Mounds candy bar
Connect with your family if it's been awhile (the Wenzel Clan was so important to him)
Grocery shop at Aldi's today, he was obsessed with this store
Do a toe-touch! (did you know he was a yell-leader at WSU, he could still do this)
Spend time with God (worshipping Him in music, quiet time, prayer)
Eat at Bella Luna....and order a Falafel (sp?) and hummus
Hug, hug, hug your kids and family
Go dancing (we loved dancing)
Karaoke (yes, Jeff had a great voice and he would drag me out to these places)
Meet someone new, reach out to someone in need

Hopefully you can find something on this list today to remember Jeff.  He was all over the board in interests and talent.  Or just come up with your own way to remember him.  The biggest advice I believe Jeff would want give is to live life fully, the life God gave us.  Not to squander our moments. Live fully with open hands, ready for whatever God asks of us. 

Have a great day remembering the amazing man God gave us for 41 years.  We are all blessed and better for the time spent here.  We love you, your Princess.

Wrestling

I have been wrestling with God my whole life.  Struggling to fully believe He is really good.  Hoping upon hope my heart is safe with Him.  And then He shows up in a miraculous way and I know that I know that I know.  Deep inside the darkest part of me, I'm always expecting the next shoe to drop.  Wish I didn't think this way.  Wasn't prepared for the brain cancer/death of my dear Jeff.  Still have not recovered where God is concerned.  Wrestling is a constant battle.

When I was five, my mom left my sister, my brother and I.  She never came back.  I should remember this and her but I don't.  My father re-married and there were now two additional siblings.  Our childhood was less than ideal, that is all I will say.  We went to church every week, I asked Jesus in my heart.  There was just so much hurt in my heart and no love in our home.  I wanted to believe God was good.

As an adult I began the process of counseling to deal with my mom leaving me as a child.  So many different tries at it.  Each time walking away thinking, "That helped a little, but I'm still not done yet."  After marrying Jeff and we began to have children, the emotions of my mother leaving hit hard.  I just couldn't understand how a mother could leave her children.

Finally, when Olivia was 8 months, I had a breakdown.  God lead us to these two women who were key in my last and final counseling regarding my mother leaving.  It was amazing.  I will never forget it as long as I live.  God didn't give me any memories of her.  He gave me answers to my questions.

As I said, I didn't feel loved growing up and had always seeked it out, needed it.  I had wrote a letter asking God, where was He when my mom left?  How could a God let a little girl go through that alone? 

In the counselor's office I was sitting in a chair across from them.  They told me to close my eyes and ask God to reveal what He wanted me to know.  Ask Him to answer my questions.  Inside I was kind of chuckling, "this isn't going to work."

After a few moments with my eyes closed I start telling them what is happening, I see little 5 year-old Reneene at my grandparents house (that's where we were living after my mother left) and it was the middle of the night and I was crying.  I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a long-sleeved flannel pajama gown with lace on the collar and sleeves.  I look up and Jesus is above me and He says these three words, "I am Love."  He then picks me up and I face him and wrap arms and legs around Him tightly.  I lay my head on His shoulder. And then we look down at all the devastating events of my life; my mom leaving, my home life, molestation, etc. and He says, "Where was I?  I was holding you?"

He never put me down.  He continued to hold me.  As I opened my eyes, black mascara stained my white shirt from crying through out the session. I ask my counselors if I could have just made all this up? No, they say.  I knew Jesus showed himself to me and answered my questions.  I knew I never had to go to another counseling session about my mother leaving me.  I asked Jesus where he was?  He was holding me.

When I tell you I have had great encounters with God.  I am not lying.  It's going to take another one of these to get me through Jeff's death.  I know it can happen.  I don't when or how but I know one day God and I are going to meet in a mighty way.  It might be a book or a person's story or who knows.  I do know I am stuck.  This loss is bigger than anything I've ever encountered.  I really wanted my children to have a daddy growing up, their daddy.  I wanted to grow old with my love.  God still has me but I feel broken, fragile, less-confident.

A little bit like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall.  I need to be put back together again but I'm not going to look the same.  Do you ever feel like that?  Wanting to be the best I can for my kids.  These are the thoughts swirling around in my head. 

With a smidgen of Hope and that's okay.  Wanted to share my story of how Jesus showed up for me.  Asking for prayer that He does that again.  I so need to wrap my arms around His neck, that's the little 5 year-old in me.  But the grown-up Reneene is too scared of getting hurt again.

It's 2012 and I'm Back!

Taking a random blog poll.  Anyone besides me glad 2011 is over?  Can you chuck an entire year and have a do-over?  I didn't think so.  Be thankful you didn't receive a Christmas letter from me this December.  I know for sure the words "holly, jolly and merry" would not be sprinkled throughout or even included.  You might have dubbed mine the most depressing Christmas letter ever received.  Do they give out prizes for that?  I should look into that, there's still time to write one.

We make choices every day, some good.  Some not good.  I am a person who loves Jesus, I made a choice long ago He was my Savior and Lord.  Since Jeff's death, He and I have struggled.  It wasn't a conscious, verbal choice on my part not to walk with Jesus this past year but that's what happened.

I am here to warn you if you are in a vulnerable spot.  My year was filled with great physical pain.  I had more migraines than I've ever experienced in the past.  More trips to the ER.  Spiritually dry and not spending time with my Jesus kept me from His blessings and His protection.  If you believe in Jesus and His word than you know the enemy is real.  When we are not walking closely with Jesus, the enemy is right there knocking on the door.  He whispers lies to us.  After awhile we begin to believe them.

This past year as I pulled away from God, I pulled away from community (church), I rarely was going because I had so many migraines and then I just didn't feel like it.  The enemy begins the lies of no one is missing you and you've been gone so long, how embarrassing.  What kind of Christian are you anyway?  It was just a vicious cycle.  I stopped going to my small group from church.  Turned inward, became a hermit if you will.  This isn't good for an extrovert like me. 

Again if you are not choosing daily to seek Jesus and put on the armor of God, you are left vulnerable to the enemy.  I opened myself up to things I now regret.  But even if we sin, God is forgiving, these are His promises.  I cannot go back and change the past or chuck 2011 but I can tell you about my year.  Tell you to be on guard.  If you are struggling with loss, grief, anger, addiction, depression, etc.... reach out to a friend, pastor or counselor.  Don't shut out the world.  Don't shut out Jesus.  He is our only true Hope. 

Even now as I am navigating through enormous parenting struggles which I know I have allowed and probably created, I have to believe Jesus is my only Hope.  The moment I move away from Him, the enemy is whispering in my ear.  He is trying to tell me the mountain is too big.  That I have messed up and my kids behavior is too far gone to fix.  He says I can't do it because they need their dad and their mom.  And Jesus let me down.  But I don't believe him.  He is the father of lies.  I am placing my Hope in the Father of Truth. 

Life is hard.  Every single day.  We get up and we have to make a choice, who's voice are we going to listen to?  Last year, I forgot and listened to the wrong one.  It was a really bad year.  Lesson learned.  So I will leave you with these verses.


     Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full
     armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
     For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,
     against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against
     the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full
     armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand
     your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

     Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the
     breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the
     readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

     In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can exting-
     uish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and
     the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on
     all occasions with all kinds of prays and requests.  With this in mind, be alert
     and always keep on praying for all the saints.   Ephesians 6:10-18


If you have never fully given your life to Jesus, I pray you will today.  I cannot imagine surviving all that I have without Him.  Even with Jesus, some days I'm barely hanging on.  I get it, I see these shows on TV.....Hoarding: Buried Alive, Intervention, etc... People are hurting so much because of a loss and they see no hope and this is what it looks like without Jesus.  Some days I miss Jeff Wenzel with such a deep aching in my heart, I wonder if I will ever get over losing my life partner/best friend/lover/husband.  Truly the most amazing person I've ever known.  And then I'm reminded who gave me the love I had for Him, I am reminded of a perfect love, one with no pain and no suffering.  And I see Jesus and know I have purpose to get up another day.  Looking forward to 2012 with my Jesus and my kids and all it will bring.  Wishing and hoping yours will be with Jesus too!