Taking a random blog poll. Anyone besides me glad 2011 is over? Can you chuck an entire year and have a do-over? I didn't think so. Be thankful you didn't receive a Christmas letter from me this December. I know for sure the words "holly, jolly and merry" would not be sprinkled throughout or even included. You might have dubbed mine the most depressing Christmas letter ever received. Do they give out prizes for that? I should look into that, there's still time to write one.
We make choices every day, some good. Some not good. I am a person who loves Jesus, I made a choice long ago He was my Savior and Lord. Since Jeff's death, He and I have struggled. It wasn't a conscious, verbal choice on my part not to walk with Jesus this past year but that's what happened.
I am here to warn you if you are in a vulnerable spot. My year was filled with great physical pain. I had more migraines than I've ever experienced in the past. More trips to the ER. Spiritually dry and not spending time with my Jesus kept me from His blessings and His protection. If you believe in Jesus and His word than you know the enemy is real. When we are not walking closely with Jesus, the enemy is right there knocking on the door. He whispers lies to us. After awhile we begin to believe them.
This past year as I pulled away from God, I pulled away from community (church), I rarely was going because I had so many migraines and then I just didn't feel like it. The enemy begins the lies of no one is missing you and you've been gone so long, how embarrassing. What kind of Christian are you anyway? It was just a vicious cycle. I stopped going to my small group from church. Turned inward, became a hermit if you will. This isn't good for an extrovert like me.
Again if you are not choosing daily to seek Jesus and put on the armor of God, you are left vulnerable to the enemy. I opened myself up to things I now regret. But even if we sin, God is forgiving, these are His promises. I cannot go back and change the past or chuck 2011 but I can tell you about my year. Tell you to be on guard. If you are struggling with loss, grief, anger, addiction, depression, etc.... reach out to a friend, pastor or counselor. Don't shut out the world. Don't shut out Jesus. He is our only true Hope.
Even now as I am navigating through enormous parenting struggles which I know I have allowed and probably created, I have to believe Jesus is my only Hope. The moment I move away from Him, the enemy is whispering in my ear. He is trying to tell me the mountain is too big. That I have messed up and my kids behavior is too far gone to fix. He says I can't do it because they need their dad and their mom. And Jesus let me down. But I don't believe him. He is the father of lies. I am placing my Hope in the Father of Truth.
Life is hard. Every single day. We get up and we have to make a choice, who's voice are we going to listen to? Last year, I forgot and listened to the wrong one. It was a really bad year. Lesson learned. So I will leave you with these verses.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full
armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,
against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against
the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full
armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand
your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the
breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the
readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can exting-
uish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and
the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on
all occasions with all kinds of prays and requests. With this in mind, be alert
and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18
If you have never fully given your life to Jesus, I pray you will today. I cannot imagine surviving all that I have without Him. Even with Jesus, some days I'm barely hanging on. I get it, I see these shows on TV.....Hoarding: Buried Alive, Intervention, etc... People are hurting so much because of a loss and they see no hope and this is what it looks like without Jesus. Some days I miss Jeff Wenzel with such a deep aching in my heart, I wonder if I will ever get over losing my life partner/best friend/lover/husband. Truly the most amazing person I've ever known. And then I'm reminded who gave me the love I had for Him, I am reminded of a perfect love, one with no pain and no suffering. And I see Jesus and know I have purpose to get up another day. Looking forward to 2012 with my Jesus and my kids and all it will bring. Wishing and hoping yours will be with Jesus too!
4 comments:
Ahhhh...finally. Girl I have been praying for you and desperately wanting my dear Reneene back. I prayed that you would see through the front window and not so much in the rear view mirror. Your future is bright dear friend and you have all the tools to get there. I love you and you know I am a phone call away.
I can't wait to read your January post in 2013!
Oh Honey, I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. your posting showed how very vulnerable we all are to the "stinking-thinking" You are not alone in not missing 2011. Not to give away the ending to all this but it's all going to be ok. I promise.
I was going to post but the 2 Debbies in your life are thinking alike. Praising God at His answer to my many prayers. You can do it. Just take it one step at a time with Jesus by your side and carrying you when you need it.
Reneene, I love you friend! I love that you are so open with your pain and your joy.
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