Mondays can be rather slow moving, I figured it was time to share one of my, "How do I get myself into these situations?" Remember the collect call from the prisoner at Sedgwick County Jail? Everyone can use a laugh. My latest moment wasn't quite as bad but good enough to publish on the old blog.
I don't think it's a secret I've become somewhat of hermit these past 5 years. My true nature is extreme extrovert. Baby steps. Last Wednesday morning, the kids are gone by 6:50am (who comes up with this schedule?) and I am back home eating breakfast and watching Dr. Phil. Real exciting. It was a particularly impacting show, won of those "light bulb" moments. I don't need to go into detail just know I decided to go run errands and be more open to talking to people I don't know, etc...
I run to my bank and as I pull in, there's a man who has ran out of gas, pushing his car on 21st St/Tyler by himself. He can't push and steer it into the parking lot so I go in and make a deposit and tell them he needs help. They send out a girl, seriously. So, I'm walking out also and offer my help. He steers and she and I are pushing this car from behind into the parking lot (where are the guys when you need them?). Great, I've done my helpful deed and it feels good, I'll be on my way.
As the teller and I turn to go, he asks me if I'm doing anything right now. I answer no. He proceeds to ask me if I will drive him to his house to get a gas can. The teller looks at me and says, "I can vouch for him." I guess, I hope she knows him. Apparently, NO is not part of my vocabulary. Inside I'm freaking out. He is a big guy, he's so tall his knees are crammed into my dashboard. And all my K-State friends would never have let him in the car because he was wearing a KU Jayhawk shirt.
As we're driving down the road, my secret prayer is "Lord, please don't let him kill me." I said this over and over. I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds. I mean You Don't Get In the Car With a Stranger! When I pull up to his house and he's looking for the gas can in his garage it dawns on me...I have fully committed to the whole shebang. I now have to drive him to a gas station to get gas and then back to his car at the bank. Sometimes it's really hard to be me.
But while driving we are having small talk. He looked about my age. Through conversation I find out he's going to his 30 year high school reunion in the coming weekend for one of the Catholic High Schools. I mention I'm from Phoenix, didn't go to school here. And then I say, "But all the Wenzel's went to North." And just like that everything changed.
He asks if I know Jack Wenzel. Yes, he's my brother-in-law. I tell him I was married to Jeff. "I knew Jeff," he says. (Of course he does, and I was worried he was going to kill me). Ends up he went to OK Elementary and Hadley Middle School with them and then his mother made him go to a Catholic High School. He knew all about Jeff's brain cancer. He even knew his uncle L.D. and Aunt Marilyn.
These sorts of things happen to me a lot. First time I picked up a stranger and it ends up he knows the Wenzel's, but I don't recommend this as a way to meet people or get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes I wonder if Jeff is up there orchestrating these moments.
For future "get out of my comfort zone" situations, I'm thinking going to the gym might be a more sane option. Of course it would great if I hadn't just cancelled my membership. So, I'm looking for new and less dangerous ideas on how to interact with grown-ups, real adults who aren't my children. And if any of you run out of gas on purpose and call me.....well, I will probably come and help you. I'm just too nice.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Two Faces of Death (By Jeff Wenzel)
It's me, Reneene. We had a little flood a bit back and I still have boxes I'm going through. Jeff was asked to speak at our church during the Easter service in 2004, one year after diagnosis. They usually tape it but there were technical problems. Digging through a box a found the crumpled up paper, typed of what he shared that morning. I remember there being a lot of tears when he read the first part and walked off stage. I think our Pastor shared and then he came back and shared the second half of this. It still moves me as I type this. God was so Huge in his heart.
Two Faces of Death Easter 2004 (Jeff Wenzel)
Dark
Elie Wiesel's acclaimed book, "Night," he recounts the hanging of two men and a child. The entire concentration camp was forced to march past them and look them in the face. The adults were dead, but the third rope was still moving, being so light the child was still alive. Wiesel wrote, "For over half an hour the struggled between life and death, dying in slow agony before our eyes."
In response to my question regarding the cancerous tumor just removed from my brain, "is it conceivable that I will die of old age?" my oncologist replied "no, this is what you will die of, it's just a matter of how long."
Am I to twist on this rope before you for months, a year, a few, five?
Our Easter service here last year was a surreal experience. My first return to our church body upon hearing the grim prognosis. Noticing the uncomfortable glances, the sympathetic nods, like a man walking the green mile, "Dead Man Walking."
Last years cruel April Fools joke began with the uneasy questioning of the imaging technician half way through the MRI, asking how long did you say you've been having those headaches?
The tear filled eyes of our friend and doctor, Bruce Barclay as he informed us of what was on the prints we had rushed with to his office.
My friends Earnest and Terry, men not unfamiliar with trauma and crisis situations just being there at the hospital intake room. Not saying much, knowing platitudes would be empty and trite.
And maybe the most emblazoned memory of that day was the horrified, ashen face of my father, hands frantically groping along the glass entry way, grasping for the door of the hospital that held his son. The same hospital that ten years previous had attempted to help his brother. The same hospital where the neuro-surgeon emerged from the OR and conceded there was nothing he could do. He was twisting on the rope and no one could save him.
Death roars like a rolling, black thunderstorm engulfing the entire sky. Awesome in magnitude and power, no escape.
Who will protect and teach my children the things God intended me to teach them? Who will teach Benjamin to hit a baseball or Joseph to ride a bike without training wheels, to drive a car? Who will walk my daughter Olivia down the aisle?
Light
Spring is my favorite time of year. Two weeks after the surgery, as I walked in the cool of the morning by the lakes near our home, I marveled at the beauty of emerging life. God's various creations budding and blooming and chirping all around me. The blue sky, the white fluffy clouds. The peace and comfort of God wrapped around me and the thought of being in His presence right then and there was as real and sweet as the fragrance of the honeysuckles in the air.
Death holds a strange hold on most of the world. We all know it is inevitable, but we think we are immune, at least for awhile. I need not think of it. I am only in my thirties, I've never had a serious illness or even warning signs to concern me. I'm healthy.
I don't have any new insight into what lies on the other side of death's door, but the Living God has been so gracious to me over the years to allow me to see and experience at least a taste of His love. I have grown to trust in the Goodness of His character and His unwavering commitment to do good unto me. I believe He loves me more than I can even imagine. And the confidence I choose to place in Him has brought me incredible peace in the midst of what many may consider a cruel and horrible nightmare. I admit, I have had moments of fear and despair, but God's grace has been sufficient. Choosing to trust in Him despite the roaring waves that have risen up around us has given me a peace that transcends my understanding. A year ago, I couldn't imagine going through such a year as this, but Our Father is not shocked, surprised or intimidated by anything.
I told my fiancee Reneene, now my wife of 7 1/2 years, that life with me would not be boring, it would be a wild ride. Neither of us had any idea of how true that would be.
In the Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Beaver tells Lucy (referring to Aslan, the Christ figure), "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? He isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
God and the circumstances that He allows to come my way do not fit into my box of expectations, but I have come to believe that it is not foolhearty to trust everything to the one who has proven not merely His love, but His wisdom and capacity to transcend any and all things.
Two Faces of Death Easter 2004 (Jeff Wenzel)
Dark
Elie Wiesel's acclaimed book, "Night," he recounts the hanging of two men and a child. The entire concentration camp was forced to march past them and look them in the face. The adults were dead, but the third rope was still moving, being so light the child was still alive. Wiesel wrote, "For over half an hour the struggled between life and death, dying in slow agony before our eyes."
In response to my question regarding the cancerous tumor just removed from my brain, "is it conceivable that I will die of old age?" my oncologist replied "no, this is what you will die of, it's just a matter of how long."
Am I to twist on this rope before you for months, a year, a few, five?
Our Easter service here last year was a surreal experience. My first return to our church body upon hearing the grim prognosis. Noticing the uncomfortable glances, the sympathetic nods, like a man walking the green mile, "Dead Man Walking."
Last years cruel April Fools joke began with the uneasy questioning of the imaging technician half way through the MRI, asking how long did you say you've been having those headaches?
The tear filled eyes of our friend and doctor, Bruce Barclay as he informed us of what was on the prints we had rushed with to his office.
My friends Earnest and Terry, men not unfamiliar with trauma and crisis situations just being there at the hospital intake room. Not saying much, knowing platitudes would be empty and trite.
And maybe the most emblazoned memory of that day was the horrified, ashen face of my father, hands frantically groping along the glass entry way, grasping for the door of the hospital that held his son. The same hospital that ten years previous had attempted to help his brother. The same hospital where the neuro-surgeon emerged from the OR and conceded there was nothing he could do. He was twisting on the rope and no one could save him.
Death roars like a rolling, black thunderstorm engulfing the entire sky. Awesome in magnitude and power, no escape.
Who will protect and teach my children the things God intended me to teach them? Who will teach Benjamin to hit a baseball or Joseph to ride a bike without training wheels, to drive a car? Who will walk my daughter Olivia down the aisle?
Light
Spring is my favorite time of year. Two weeks after the surgery, as I walked in the cool of the morning by the lakes near our home, I marveled at the beauty of emerging life. God's various creations budding and blooming and chirping all around me. The blue sky, the white fluffy clouds. The peace and comfort of God wrapped around me and the thought of being in His presence right then and there was as real and sweet as the fragrance of the honeysuckles in the air.
Death holds a strange hold on most of the world. We all know it is inevitable, but we think we are immune, at least for awhile. I need not think of it. I am only in my thirties, I've never had a serious illness or even warning signs to concern me. I'm healthy.
I don't have any new insight into what lies on the other side of death's door, but the Living God has been so gracious to me over the years to allow me to see and experience at least a taste of His love. I have grown to trust in the Goodness of His character and His unwavering commitment to do good unto me. I believe He loves me more than I can even imagine. And the confidence I choose to place in Him has brought me incredible peace in the midst of what many may consider a cruel and horrible nightmare. I admit, I have had moments of fear and despair, but God's grace has been sufficient. Choosing to trust in Him despite the roaring waves that have risen up around us has given me a peace that transcends my understanding. A year ago, I couldn't imagine going through such a year as this, but Our Father is not shocked, surprised or intimidated by anything.
I told my fiancee Reneene, now my wife of 7 1/2 years, that life with me would not be boring, it would be a wild ride. Neither of us had any idea of how true that would be.
In the Chronicles of Narnia, Mr. Beaver tells Lucy (referring to Aslan, the Christ figure), "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? He isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
God and the circumstances that He allows to come my way do not fit into my box of expectations, but I have come to believe that it is not foolhearty to trust everything to the one who has proven not merely His love, but His wisdom and capacity to transcend any and all things.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Worst Date Ever!
Sitting in the van with my kids this morning waiting for 3 different buses, the radio DJ gives the answer to...."What has 12% of women done on a first date?" Walk out. This led to me sharing my worst date ever story. Of course, the most interested was Olivia but thinking back it was rather eventful. I thought, why not share it with you. Maybe you can share yours with me or even your kids. For a good laugh.
Back in college (I went later in life), I was probably 28 and living on campus at Grand Canyon University and working at Caliber Bank (then Norwest Bank, then Wells Fargo, who knows what now). Life was college and working 20 hours a week. But I loved my life. Then something new started. I had acquired a secret admirer. He left typed notes on my campus apartment. Roses, Jelly Beans (as the note stated he knew Chocolate gave me migraines) and riddles of sorts. I had no clue who this could be.
But those of you who know me, know I'm a talker. So I talked to my friends wherever I was trying to figure out my mystery man. School, work, etc... And then one day my phone rang and it was "George" (not his real name and not Clooney, bummer). He was one of my co-workers who sat in the cubicle right next to mine. He was very quiet, shy, looked like a English professor with beard and glasses even though he was young. He said he was calling to tell me that he was in fact, my secret admirer.
Never would have guessed it. And the next questions, of course, would I go out on a date with him? How could I say no? Even though I was pretty sure there was nothing there going on from my end, no attraction/chemistry. But I agreed. We planned the time, details and he would pick me up.
Things I don't recommend for first dates:
Don't take them to Taco Bell for dinner.
Especially if you decide to stop at one of those strip mall carnivals. Because if you go on a ride that spins in circles and the ride operator leaves you on for extra time because no one else is there....you will throw up.
Not a great idea to "stop by a friend's house" and when you get there it's actually a "Singles Group Event" from the guy's church. And somehow you feel like they know more about you even though you just met all these strangers.
NEVER, EVER agree to play Sardines with people you don't know. What is Sardines? Brace yourself. You're in a house, all lights are turned off, one person who is "it" hides and you have to feel, crawl, touch your way around in the dark until you find that person. Then you all stay together like a bunch of Sardines.
My experience besides the awkwardness of the above description of the game and knowing no one, well, oh this gets so much worse. So, I'm crawling around in a carpeted living/family room. And all of a sudden, one of my knees (I was wearing jeans) becomes soaking wet. I have just landed in wetness. I touch the floor and sniff my hand (I have already thrown-up once) and I smell dog urine.
I start whispering loudly, "George, George." "Yeah." Trying to not overreact I say, "I'm in dog urine over here." So we feel our way outside, I at this point want to cry. Thankfully, he asks me what I want to do. I kindly say that I want to go home. Awkward drive home would be putting it lightly. I really think it wasn't so bad for him. He wanted to go out again. I was strong enough to say no, thank you.
I still have the secret admirer notes somewhere. Olivia is desperate for me to find them. Who knew our old stories would someday be fun times to share with our kids. Not funny at the time. So, what was your "Worst Date Ever?" If no one shares, I will be forced to tell you when I was auctioned off for a date, again at the same college (to bring in money for the school). That might have topped this one. That will be tomorrow's van story while waiting for the bus.
Remember the point of dating. Trying to see if the person is the one God has for you. It's worth every bad date if you end up with the best guy ever in the end.
Back in college (I went later in life), I was probably 28 and living on campus at Grand Canyon University and working at Caliber Bank (then Norwest Bank, then Wells Fargo, who knows what now). Life was college and working 20 hours a week. But I loved my life. Then something new started. I had acquired a secret admirer. He left typed notes on my campus apartment. Roses, Jelly Beans (as the note stated he knew Chocolate gave me migraines) and riddles of sorts. I had no clue who this could be.
But those of you who know me, know I'm a talker. So I talked to my friends wherever I was trying to figure out my mystery man. School, work, etc... And then one day my phone rang and it was "George" (not his real name and not Clooney, bummer). He was one of my co-workers who sat in the cubicle right next to mine. He was very quiet, shy, looked like a English professor with beard and glasses even though he was young. He said he was calling to tell me that he was in fact, my secret admirer.
Never would have guessed it. And the next questions, of course, would I go out on a date with him? How could I say no? Even though I was pretty sure there was nothing there going on from my end, no attraction/chemistry. But I agreed. We planned the time, details and he would pick me up.
Things I don't recommend for first dates:
Don't take them to Taco Bell for dinner.
Especially if you decide to stop at one of those strip mall carnivals. Because if you go on a ride that spins in circles and the ride operator leaves you on for extra time because no one else is there....you will throw up.
Not a great idea to "stop by a friend's house" and when you get there it's actually a "Singles Group Event" from the guy's church. And somehow you feel like they know more about you even though you just met all these strangers.
NEVER, EVER agree to play Sardines with people you don't know. What is Sardines? Brace yourself. You're in a house, all lights are turned off, one person who is "it" hides and you have to feel, crawl, touch your way around in the dark until you find that person. Then you all stay together like a bunch of Sardines.
My experience besides the awkwardness of the above description of the game and knowing no one, well, oh this gets so much worse. So, I'm crawling around in a carpeted living/family room. And all of a sudden, one of my knees (I was wearing jeans) becomes soaking wet. I have just landed in wetness. I touch the floor and sniff my hand (I have already thrown-up once) and I smell dog urine.
I start whispering loudly, "George, George." "Yeah." Trying to not overreact I say, "I'm in dog urine over here." So we feel our way outside, I at this point want to cry. Thankfully, he asks me what I want to do. I kindly say that I want to go home. Awkward drive home would be putting it lightly. I really think it wasn't so bad for him. He wanted to go out again. I was strong enough to say no, thank you.
I still have the secret admirer notes somewhere. Olivia is desperate for me to find them. Who knew our old stories would someday be fun times to share with our kids. Not funny at the time. So, what was your "Worst Date Ever?" If no one shares, I will be forced to tell you when I was auctioned off for a date, again at the same college (to bring in money for the school). That might have topped this one. That will be tomorrow's van story while waiting for the bus.
Remember the point of dating. Trying to see if the person is the one God has for you. It's worth every bad date if you end up with the best guy ever in the end.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Super Heroes
Summer is closing down. Kids have finally gone back to school. For me, it leaves me with some welcomed time alone. But also, un-welcomed time alone. Life is in constant movement, rarely leaving moments to reflect or think or dream or ponder. At least for me, at the end of all my summer days, exhaustion set in.
Here I am. Just me and silence. What do you think about when it's completely silent? Do you try to not let that happen because then you're forced to feel or deal with emotions you'd rather not have emerge. I get it. Silence is deafening!
Movies and music are what tap into my core. I read between the lines, I am a meaning person. Everything has to have meaning. What scares me the most is I will get to the end of my life and be stuck. Never having moved past the death of my dear husband. You can stop reading if this is if it's too heavy for you. But in the core of my being, it's what I wrestle with. I want to move on and live life to the fullest. I have yet to figure out day to day what that looks like.
Every anniversary hits hard. My dear friends encourage me, send a card, pray for me. But I always wonder are you really thinking...."When is she going to get over this?" I say this because a family member said to me on Friday, our wedding anniversary, when I mentioned I was a bit sad, "Oh my gosh, that was so long ago. It's all water under the bridge now." Wish there was a book on how to get over a loved one.
One thing that affected hugely this summer was "The Dark Knight Rises," the latest Batman movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't think what I will say will spoil anything. Bruce Wayne (Batman) has not been seen or heard of for eight years since the commissioner's death. He has gone into recluse if you will. He is physically injured, walking around with a cane. But his home is dark, not seeing visitors and he limps around in a bathrobe using that cane. For sure he has given up, checked out of life. Like a wounded warrior who's never gotten help.
I remember gasping at the scene of him and the dialog of why he's given up. I could feel emotions rise up in me. I am him. I may not be physically limping or even walk around in a bathrobe but I am him. I go through the motions. I do what's needed. I take care of my children. But Bruce Wayne has lost his purpose for living. He has lost his Hope. He has lost the vision of what his life was meant to be.
Have you had a loss so great that you feel this way? Maybe no one even knows. Maybe you wear a really good mask. Say all the right things. Do all the right things. Smile when you feel like crying. Why can't we be real with one another? It's just so important.
More often than not when we are hit with such a great loss, we lose our confidence. I have lost mine in many ways. It's easier to hide out in my house than go out in the "real" world and engage with people. I love to be inspired by others. Their stories of overcoming some amazing difficulty, loss or testing of their person.
Usually, I convince myself they are just stronger than me. I know this is not from Jesus. I don't need to be a superhero, I just need to be whoever God called me to be. And right now I'm not doing a very good job of it. What has he called you to do? What scares you the most about living completely trusting God with your life?
Being a Christian, I know all the "Christian" things to say. But I am human first, then I found Jesus. It doesn't change that I am still a sinner, a feeler, a hurter, a person who deals with loss, devastation, tragedy etc.... I just have Hope that this is not all there is in this life. I want to be like Jesus but some days the wounded part of me seems bigger than His part.
I am so thankful for God's mercy, grace and faithfulness to me because I have been a fair-weathered daughter to Him. He has felt all the emotions and pain that we do and gave His life for me and still never sinned. I have this precious example. But I get stuck in the mire of my loneliness and longing and pain. We can forget that He really is the only one who can help.
I am open to words of wisdom. I mean this entirely. I wish and desire to move out of my spot. To live in Joy. I have never found exactly how to do this. The migraines are a huge trip up for me. I want to lead by example to my children. I guess in some ways, be their superhero, without the cape. Show them how to love fully, live joyfully, trust completely even though my dear husband and their wonderful father lives in a place we can only imagine.
Here I am. Just me and silence. What do you think about when it's completely silent? Do you try to not let that happen because then you're forced to feel or deal with emotions you'd rather not have emerge. I get it. Silence is deafening!
Movies and music are what tap into my core. I read between the lines, I am a meaning person. Everything has to have meaning. What scares me the most is I will get to the end of my life and be stuck. Never having moved past the death of my dear husband. You can stop reading if this is if it's too heavy for you. But in the core of my being, it's what I wrestle with. I want to move on and live life to the fullest. I have yet to figure out day to day what that looks like.
Every anniversary hits hard. My dear friends encourage me, send a card, pray for me. But I always wonder are you really thinking...."When is she going to get over this?" I say this because a family member said to me on Friday, our wedding anniversary, when I mentioned I was a bit sad, "Oh my gosh, that was so long ago. It's all water under the bridge now." Wish there was a book on how to get over a loved one.
One thing that affected hugely this summer was "The Dark Knight Rises," the latest Batman movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't think what I will say will spoil anything. Bruce Wayne (Batman) has not been seen or heard of for eight years since the commissioner's death. He has gone into recluse if you will. He is physically injured, walking around with a cane. But his home is dark, not seeing visitors and he limps around in a bathrobe using that cane. For sure he has given up, checked out of life. Like a wounded warrior who's never gotten help.
I remember gasping at the scene of him and the dialog of why he's given up. I could feel emotions rise up in me. I am him. I may not be physically limping or even walk around in a bathrobe but I am him. I go through the motions. I do what's needed. I take care of my children. But Bruce Wayne has lost his purpose for living. He has lost his Hope. He has lost the vision of what his life was meant to be.
Have you had a loss so great that you feel this way? Maybe no one even knows. Maybe you wear a really good mask. Say all the right things. Do all the right things. Smile when you feel like crying. Why can't we be real with one another? It's just so important.
More often than not when we are hit with such a great loss, we lose our confidence. I have lost mine in many ways. It's easier to hide out in my house than go out in the "real" world and engage with people. I love to be inspired by others. Their stories of overcoming some amazing difficulty, loss or testing of their person.
Usually, I convince myself they are just stronger than me. I know this is not from Jesus. I don't need to be a superhero, I just need to be whoever God called me to be. And right now I'm not doing a very good job of it. What has he called you to do? What scares you the most about living completely trusting God with your life?
Being a Christian, I know all the "Christian" things to say. But I am human first, then I found Jesus. It doesn't change that I am still a sinner, a feeler, a hurter, a person who deals with loss, devastation, tragedy etc.... I just have Hope that this is not all there is in this life. I want to be like Jesus but some days the wounded part of me seems bigger than His part.
I am so thankful for God's mercy, grace and faithfulness to me because I have been a fair-weathered daughter to Him. He has felt all the emotions and pain that we do and gave His life for me and still never sinned. I have this precious example. But I get stuck in the mire of my loneliness and longing and pain. We can forget that He really is the only one who can help.
I am open to words of wisdom. I mean this entirely. I wish and desire to move out of my spot. To live in Joy. I have never found exactly how to do this. The migraines are a huge trip up for me. I want to lead by example to my children. I guess in some ways, be their superhero, without the cape. Show them how to love fully, live joyfully, trust completely even though my dear husband and their wonderful father lives in a place we can only imagine.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Saying Goodbye to a Friend
I have so many things I want to write about but I never seem to put them on the blog. It's very difficult to have a "Blog in your Brain." Today I am forcing myself to sit and write about something most of us are uncomfortable with...death. And what to say or not to say when someone has passed away. I am not an expert. I have not written any books. I feel compelled to write only because I have personally experienced the death of a close loved one. As most of you know, my dear husband Jeff lost his 4-year battle with brain cancer in 2007.
Noone signs up for this. But I feel a responsibitly to share my thoughts on this subject. Take it if you will or not. The reason there is no right way to grieve the loss of a loved one is every person is different. You cannot put people in a box and expect they will respond as you do. Cry, scream, be quiet, pull-away, be angry for a bit, need others, etc...whatever you do, just make sure you grieve.
A high school classmate has just lost her battle with cancer and many of you are feeling the pain of Jodi's passing. She was so young. It makes you mad, that cancer is taking so many lives. I completely agree. It seems we have no control who it takes and who it doesn't. If you are a believer in Jesus, as I am, I know He is bigger than cancer. I know one day I will see my Jeff again. But the day to day pain of the loss of that person is great.
I believe when it comes to death, we are uncomfortable with it. Nobody wants to be around it or become friends with it. The thing is, it will come to us all. And if we had our choice it look be something like this. We would grow old with our loved ones and we would pass away quietly in our sleep after living a long pain-free life. Sounds so good.
Even how we approach death reflects who we are. I am, as you know a transparent person, to a fault at times. I live life like an open book. And on Jeff's last day on earth, he was surrounded by about 30 people crammed in our little bedroom when he took his last breath. This may seem wild to you but this is how he lived his life, it was always about others. This seemed normal to me.
You may be a private person and want only close family there. Again there is no right or wrong way to approach this. The one thing we do have control over is what we say. And trust me I have put my foot in my mouth on many occasions.
I believe people have good in their hearts and want only to encourage and help the family/friends who are grieving when they get to the visitation or funeral. Or even the weeks/months to come. Often with good intentions they say something which is not helpful.
As a widow, some of the things I would suggest not saying:
"God just needed another angel up in heaven." I can assure He doesn't and this doesn't make them feel better.
"He/she is in a better place now." Of course, they know that logically but their heart is wanting them here.
"At least you had (fill in the blank) years with them." There is no amount of time that will ever be enough.
"God is your husband now." Someone actually did say this to me. Not helpful.
"I understand how you feel because I lost my......" Even if was the exact same family member, it's not going to feel the exact same. And this isn't the time to share your story with them.
The best thing you can say to a grieving person is...."I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you." You think that's not enough? Is there anything at all you could say to change what they are going through or to bring their person back? Then I can assure you this is best you can offer.
Don't forget about close friends to the person who are also grieving. There is a big hole in their life also and remembering them is just as important as the family. Let them know you are there for them in weeks and months to come. And don't forget to check in on them. All the "firsts" (holidays, birthday) will be hard to go through. Don't be afraid to say the loved one's name aloud after time has passed. Sometimes people think if they bring up the person's name it will be too much for a loved one so they never do. Actually, never talking about them or sharing favorite memories is harder than remembering times you shared.
If you are a doer then by all means do something. Make a meal, offer to run errands, be there to listen, help shop/wrap for the 1st Christmas etc... However you are gifted, just give. Send a note or message just saying you're thinking about them is great.
And most of all, time doesn't heal but it does get easier. Remember you never ever stop loving and missing that person. Trust me when I say, they are never going to "get over" the loss of their loved one. I have learned how to live without Jeff but my heart aches often. Tears come when they come. You can not order grief, it is messy. Be understanding. Your feelings might get hurt because sometimes that happens. Just remember YOUR relationship with the person who has passed, what they meant to you. You have your memories and the family has theirs.
I am thinking about dear Jodi and her bright spirit these past few months. I wish I was in Phoenix and could offer my sympathy. But I cannot so I offer up this blog entry in her honor. And yes, she was much too young. She will be missed. And I am lifting up her family and dear friends in prayer.
Peace to you during this time, Reneene
Noone signs up for this. But I feel a responsibitly to share my thoughts on this subject. Take it if you will or not. The reason there is no right way to grieve the loss of a loved one is every person is different. You cannot put people in a box and expect they will respond as you do. Cry, scream, be quiet, pull-away, be angry for a bit, need others, etc...whatever you do, just make sure you grieve.
A high school classmate has just lost her battle with cancer and many of you are feeling the pain of Jodi's passing. She was so young. It makes you mad, that cancer is taking so many lives. I completely agree. It seems we have no control who it takes and who it doesn't. If you are a believer in Jesus, as I am, I know He is bigger than cancer. I know one day I will see my Jeff again. But the day to day pain of the loss of that person is great.
I believe when it comes to death, we are uncomfortable with it. Nobody wants to be around it or become friends with it. The thing is, it will come to us all. And if we had our choice it look be something like this. We would grow old with our loved ones and we would pass away quietly in our sleep after living a long pain-free life. Sounds so good.
Even how we approach death reflects who we are. I am, as you know a transparent person, to a fault at times. I live life like an open book. And on Jeff's last day on earth, he was surrounded by about 30 people crammed in our little bedroom when he took his last breath. This may seem wild to you but this is how he lived his life, it was always about others. This seemed normal to me.
You may be a private person and want only close family there. Again there is no right or wrong way to approach this. The one thing we do have control over is what we say. And trust me I have put my foot in my mouth on many occasions.
I believe people have good in their hearts and want only to encourage and help the family/friends who are grieving when they get to the visitation or funeral. Or even the weeks/months to come. Often with good intentions they say something which is not helpful.
As a widow, some of the things I would suggest not saying:
"God just needed another angel up in heaven." I can assure He doesn't and this doesn't make them feel better.
"He/she is in a better place now." Of course, they know that logically but their heart is wanting them here.
"At least you had (fill in the blank) years with them." There is no amount of time that will ever be enough.
"God is your husband now." Someone actually did say this to me. Not helpful.
"I understand how you feel because I lost my......" Even if was the exact same family member, it's not going to feel the exact same. And this isn't the time to share your story with them.
The best thing you can say to a grieving person is...."I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you." You think that's not enough? Is there anything at all you could say to change what they are going through or to bring their person back? Then I can assure you this is best you can offer.
Don't forget about close friends to the person who are also grieving. There is a big hole in their life also and remembering them is just as important as the family. Let them know you are there for them in weeks and months to come. And don't forget to check in on them. All the "firsts" (holidays, birthday) will be hard to go through. Don't be afraid to say the loved one's name aloud after time has passed. Sometimes people think if they bring up the person's name it will be too much for a loved one so they never do. Actually, never talking about them or sharing favorite memories is harder than remembering times you shared.
If you are a doer then by all means do something. Make a meal, offer to run errands, be there to listen, help shop/wrap for the 1st Christmas etc... However you are gifted, just give. Send a note or message just saying you're thinking about them is great.
And most of all, time doesn't heal but it does get easier. Remember you never ever stop loving and missing that person. Trust me when I say, they are never going to "get over" the loss of their loved one. I have learned how to live without Jeff but my heart aches often. Tears come when they come. You can not order grief, it is messy. Be understanding. Your feelings might get hurt because sometimes that happens. Just remember YOUR relationship with the person who has passed, what they meant to you. You have your memories and the family has theirs.
I am thinking about dear Jodi and her bright spirit these past few months. I wish I was in Phoenix and could offer my sympathy. But I cannot so I offer up this blog entry in her honor. And yes, she was much too young. She will be missed. And I am lifting up her family and dear friends in prayer.
Peace to you during this time, Reneene
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Best Mother's Day So Far!
It's been the best Mother's Day of all my 14 years. A near perfect would've been if I had my oldest with me on this day (and of course Jeff). And I didn't get a card, gift, letter or even our annual lunch to DeFazio's (yum). I was 3 1/2 hours away at a baseball tournament with my two younger kids who fight like cats and dogs. So how could this be so great?
Every year it's the same song and dance. They act like they always do and I am grumpy and crabby and sound something like "can you please get along for one day? This is Mother's Day for crying out loud! I only get one day a year." Sound familiar? So who wouldn't be miserable? Kids are going to act like kids but somehow I demand perfection on this one day. How many mom's end up disappointed? One for sure.
I made a conscious choice to not make this day about me. But about my children. Wow, I wasn't disappointed at all. Olivia and I drove home singing at the top of our lungs to my new Jamie Grace CD. We ate at a kid-friendly restaurant. I truly enjoyed my children for the first time ever on Mother's Day. And the two kids who always fight. Didn't.
What I realized is they are the reason we celebrate the holiday. If there wasn't them, well I can't imagine. And it became clear. If I put all my focus on the card, flowers, presents, behavior, I am missing the most important thing. Not me but them. God allowed me to be their mom. It's a privilege. I get my special moments when I don't demand or expect it. At night when I'm praying with them and they wrap their arms around my neck and hug me. It keeps me going through exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, etc.. Mostly, while we're trying to teach them to be unselfish and giving, I am learning the same.
I believe this was a life-changing moment in time for me. God really opened up my eyes. I saw beauty everywhere driving home and those who know me, know I'm NOT a road-trip gal. Funny how so many times we think everyone else is the problem and if they would just change....today I sat back and enjoyed the gifts you cannot buy in a store. Gratefulness. Happy Mother's Day.
Every year it's the same song and dance. They act like they always do and I am grumpy and crabby and sound something like "can you please get along for one day? This is Mother's Day for crying out loud! I only get one day a year." Sound familiar? So who wouldn't be miserable? Kids are going to act like kids but somehow I demand perfection on this one day. How many mom's end up disappointed? One for sure.
I made a conscious choice to not make this day about me. But about my children. Wow, I wasn't disappointed at all. Olivia and I drove home singing at the top of our lungs to my new Jamie Grace CD. We ate at a kid-friendly restaurant. I truly enjoyed my children for the first time ever on Mother's Day. And the two kids who always fight. Didn't.
What I realized is they are the reason we celebrate the holiday. If there wasn't them, well I can't imagine. And it became clear. If I put all my focus on the card, flowers, presents, behavior, I am missing the most important thing. Not me but them. God allowed me to be their mom. It's a privilege. I get my special moments when I don't demand or expect it. At night when I'm praying with them and they wrap their arms around my neck and hug me. It keeps me going through exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, etc.. Mostly, while we're trying to teach them to be unselfish and giving, I am learning the same.
I believe this was a life-changing moment in time for me. God really opened up my eyes. I saw beauty everywhere driving home and those who know me, know I'm NOT a road-trip gal. Funny how so many times we think everyone else is the problem and if they would just change....today I sat back and enjoyed the gifts you cannot buy in a store. Gratefulness. Happy Mother's Day.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Remembering Jeff
Who wants to stay in bed all day and not move? That would be me! I was unaware of how hard this week would be. Grateful for good friends. My dear Hoopla Sister is dragging me (against my will) out of the house and rescuing me from myself. As you go about your day today, I thought maybe I would list ideas of how you can Remember Jeff.
These are some of his favorites:
Eat an apple (he fully believed it was the cure to all ailments)
Hang out with a good friend (Jeff had so many close friends)
Go for a walk, anywhere (he loved walking our neighborhood)
Watch one of his favorite movies: It's a Wonderful Life, Cinderella Man,
My Cousin Vinny
Read Psalm 112:1-9 (he loved this passage, it was read at the funeral)
Eat a Mounds candy bar
Connect with your family if it's been awhile (the Wenzel Clan was so important to him)
Grocery shop at Aldi's today, he was obsessed with this store
Do a toe-touch! (did you know he was a yell-leader at WSU, he could still do this)
Spend time with God (worshipping Him in music, quiet time, prayer)
Eat at Bella Luna....and order a Falafel (sp?) and hummus
Hug, hug, hug your kids and family
Go dancing (we loved dancing)
Karaoke (yes, Jeff had a great voice and he would drag me out to these places)
Meet someone new, reach out to someone in need
Hopefully you can find something on this list today to remember Jeff. He was all over the board in interests and talent. Or just come up with your own way to remember him. The biggest advice I believe Jeff would want give is to live life fully, the life God gave us. Not to squander our moments. Live fully with open hands, ready for whatever God asks of us.
Have a great day remembering the amazing man God gave us for 41 years. We are all blessed and better for the time spent here. We love you, your Princess.
These are some of his favorites:
Eat an apple (he fully believed it was the cure to all ailments)
Hang out with a good friend (Jeff had so many close friends)
Go for a walk, anywhere (he loved walking our neighborhood)
Watch one of his favorite movies: It's a Wonderful Life, Cinderella Man,
My Cousin Vinny
Read Psalm 112:1-9 (he loved this passage, it was read at the funeral)
Eat a Mounds candy bar
Connect with your family if it's been awhile (the Wenzel Clan was so important to him)
Grocery shop at Aldi's today, he was obsessed with this store
Do a toe-touch! (did you know he was a yell-leader at WSU, he could still do this)
Spend time with God (worshipping Him in music, quiet time, prayer)
Eat at Bella Luna....and order a Falafel (sp?) and hummus
Hug, hug, hug your kids and family
Go dancing (we loved dancing)
Karaoke (yes, Jeff had a great voice and he would drag me out to these places)
Meet someone new, reach out to someone in need
Hopefully you can find something on this list today to remember Jeff. He was all over the board in interests and talent. Or just come up with your own way to remember him. The biggest advice I believe Jeff would want give is to live life fully, the life God gave us. Not to squander our moments. Live fully with open hands, ready for whatever God asks of us.
Have a great day remembering the amazing man God gave us for 41 years. We are all blessed and better for the time spent here. We love you, your Princess.
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