I have been wrestling with God my whole life. Struggling to fully believe He is really good. Hoping upon hope my heart is safe with Him. And then He shows up in a miraculous way and I know that I know that I know. Deep inside the darkest part of me, I'm always expecting the next shoe to drop. Wish I didn't think this way. Wasn't prepared for the brain cancer/death of my dear Jeff. Still have not recovered where God is concerned. Wrestling is a constant battle.
When I was five, my mom left my sister, my brother and I. She never came back. I should remember this and her but I don't. My father re-married and there were now two additional siblings. Our childhood was less than ideal, that is all I will say. We went to church every week, I asked Jesus in my heart. There was just so much hurt in my heart and no love in our home. I wanted to believe God was good.
As an adult I began the process of counseling to deal with my mom leaving me as a child. So many different tries at it. Each time walking away thinking, "That helped a little, but I'm still not done yet." After marrying Jeff and we began to have children, the emotions of my mother leaving hit hard. I just couldn't understand how a mother could leave her children.
Finally, when Olivia was 8 months, I had a breakdown. God lead us to these two women who were key in my last and final counseling regarding my mother leaving. It was amazing. I will never forget it as long as I live. God didn't give me any memories of her. He gave me answers to my questions.
As I said, I didn't feel loved growing up and had always seeked it out, needed it. I had wrote a letter asking God, where was He when my mom left? How could a God let a little girl go through that alone?
In the counselor's office I was sitting in a chair across from them. They told me to close my eyes and ask God to reveal what He wanted me to know. Ask Him to answer my questions. Inside I was kind of chuckling, "this isn't going to work."
After a few moments with my eyes closed I start telling them what is happening, I see little 5 year-old Reneene at my grandparents house (that's where we were living after my mother left) and it was the middle of the night and I was crying. I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a long-sleeved flannel pajama gown with lace on the collar and sleeves. I look up and Jesus is above me and He says these three words, "I am Love." He then picks me up and I face him and wrap arms and legs around Him tightly. I lay my head on His shoulder. And then we look down at all the devastating events of my life; my mom leaving, my home life, molestation, etc. and He says, "Where was I? I was holding you?"
He never put me down. He continued to hold me. As I opened my eyes, black mascara stained my white shirt from crying through out the session. I ask my counselors if I could have just made all this up? No, they say. I knew Jesus showed himself to me and answered my questions. I knew I never had to go to another counseling session about my mother leaving me. I asked Jesus where he was? He was holding me.
When I tell you I have had great encounters with God. I am not lying. It's going to take another one of these to get me through Jeff's death. I know it can happen. I don't when or how but I know one day God and I are going to meet in a mighty way. It might be a book or a person's story or who knows. I do know I am stuck. This loss is bigger than anything I've ever encountered. I really wanted my children to have a daddy growing up, their daddy. I wanted to grow old with my love. God still has me but I feel broken, fragile, less-confident.
A little bit like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall. I need to be put back together again but I'm not going to look the same. Do you ever feel like that? Wanting to be the best I can for my kids. These are the thoughts swirling around in my head.
With a smidgen of Hope and that's okay. Wanted to share my story of how Jesus showed up for me. Asking for prayer that He does that again. I so need to wrap my arms around His neck, that's the little 5 year-old in me. But the grown-up Reneene is too scared of getting hurt again.
