I have so many things I want to write about but I never seem to put them on the blog. It's very difficult to have a "Blog in your Brain." Today I am forcing myself to sit and write about something most of us are uncomfortable with...death. And what to say or not to say when someone has passed away. I am not an expert. I have not written any books. I feel compelled to write only because I have personally experienced the death of a close loved one. As most of you know, my dear husband Jeff lost his 4-year battle with brain cancer in 2007.
Noone signs up for this. But I feel a responsibitly to share my thoughts on this subject. Take it if you will or not. The reason there is no right way to grieve the loss of a loved one is every person is different. You cannot put people in a box and expect they will respond as you do. Cry, scream, be quiet, pull-away, be angry for a bit, need others, etc...whatever you do, just make sure you grieve.
A high school classmate has just lost her battle with cancer and many of you are feeling the pain of Jodi's passing. She was so young. It makes you mad, that cancer is taking so many lives. I completely agree. It seems we have no control who it takes and who it doesn't. If you are a believer in Jesus, as I am, I know He is bigger than cancer. I know one day I will see my Jeff again. But the day to day pain of the loss of that person is great.
I believe when it comes to death, we are uncomfortable with it. Nobody wants to be around it or become friends with it. The thing is, it will come to us all. And if we had our choice it look be something like this. We would grow old with our loved ones and we would pass away quietly in our sleep after living a long pain-free life. Sounds so good.
Even how we approach death reflects who we are. I am, as you know a transparent person, to a fault at times. I live life like an open book. And on Jeff's last day on earth, he was surrounded by about 30 people crammed in our little bedroom when he took his last breath. This may seem wild to you but this is how he lived his life, it was always about others. This seemed normal to me.
You may be a private person and want only close family there. Again there is no right or wrong way to approach this. The one thing we do have control over is what we say. And trust me I have put my foot in my mouth on many occasions.
I believe people have good in their hearts and want only to encourage and help the family/friends who are grieving when they get to the visitation or funeral. Or even the weeks/months to come. Often with good intentions they say something which is not helpful.
As a widow, some of the things I would suggest not saying:
"God just needed another angel up in heaven." I can assure He doesn't and this doesn't make them feel better.
"He/she is in a better place now." Of course, they know that logically but their heart is wanting them here.
"At least you had (fill in the blank) years with them." There is no amount of time that will ever be enough.
"God is your husband now." Someone actually did say this to me. Not helpful.
"I understand how you feel because I lost my......" Even if was the exact same family member, it's not going to feel the exact same. And this isn't the time to share your story with them.
The best thing you can say to a grieving person is...."I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you." You think that's not enough? Is there anything at all you could say to change what they are going through or to bring their person back? Then I can assure you this is best you can offer.
Don't forget about close friends to the person who are also grieving. There is a big hole in their life also and remembering them is just as important as the family. Let them know you are there for them in weeks and months to come. And don't forget to check in on them. All the "firsts" (holidays, birthday) will be hard to go through. Don't be afraid to say the loved one's name aloud after time has passed. Sometimes people think if they bring up the person's name it will be too much for a loved one so they never do. Actually, never talking about them or sharing favorite memories is harder than remembering times you shared.
If you are a doer then by all means do something. Make a meal, offer to run errands, be there to listen, help shop/wrap for the 1st Christmas etc... However you are gifted, just give. Send a note or message just saying you're thinking about them is great.
And most of all, time doesn't heal but it does get easier. Remember you never ever stop loving and missing that person. Trust me when I say, they are never going to "get over" the loss of their loved one. I have learned how to live without Jeff but my heart aches often. Tears come when they come. You can not order grief, it is messy. Be understanding. Your feelings might get hurt because sometimes that happens. Just remember YOUR relationship with the person who has passed, what they meant to you. You have your memories and the family has theirs.
I am thinking about dear Jodi and her bright spirit these past few months. I wish I was in Phoenix and could offer my sympathy. But I cannot so I offer up this blog entry in her honor. And yes, she was much too young. She will be missed. And I am lifting up her family and dear friends in prayer.
Peace to you during this time, Reneene
