Well, it's official. I'm old. What the heck happened since I decided to stay home and be a mom. I guess that was over 12 years ago. Did we move into the fast lane since I left? And how come everyone looks young enough to be my son? Well, not quite but almost. Oh dear. Am I ready for this? The real question is...are they ready for me? It doesn't look good... so far I've needed a nap everyday and I'm only working 9-3. Yesterday, I woke from my nap about 4:45pm and realized there were still people at the office working and I thought, "Oh my goodness, how are they doing this everyday?" I think they are secretly drinking some special concoction that I will get on week 2 if I survive week 1. I'll let you know.
Who knows what my blog entries will look like now. Maybe something like this. akjle eiraskl dkiet kjsoe jmekl tyere kseinsl. Good stuff! I will try to write them only when I've had adequate sleep or at least a good caffeine jolt. For sure God has been gracious to me this week. I have alluded the ever present migraine and I know it's all due to His mercy. This girl is very thankful. Keep the prayers coming. You must be praying. There is no other explanation.
You haven't been praying for the magic fairy maid though. My house is a complete disaster. Each day I arrive home thinking someone may have broke in while I was gone and cleaned the whole place up but not so. It actually looks like someone came in and made it worse. In heaven, I will have a clean bedroom, I promise (I can see Jeff smiling right now). I will not be a messy. The bible says we will have new bodies. I have decided my new body will be "clean freak" oriented. At least that's my prayer.
Off to football practice. But I had to write. Can't leave you all hanging as there are still those words in my head that need to get out. Open for tips to my new spot....Working Girl in 2010 but No Longer 20!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Football...ready to rumble!
On a lighter note. Sort of. I love football. I probably should've been a man, I feel like it at times with the regular upper hair lip waxings! TMI? Sorry. Anyway back to football. I believe in mercy in every arena except football. No Mercy. There's something really great about it. Love to watch it, wish at times I was a boy and could play it. I am at Ben's practice three times a week for two hours and thoroughly enjoy watching him practice. Many parents drop the kids and leave but a few of us stay. I do because I really like to watch. It's not a sport for the faint of heart. There's no crying in football. Only the tough survive. Rough and tough. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you can't handle it then there's always golf. You have to be able to hit and be hit.
Last night we scrimmaged another 5th grade team and it was rather comical. They are a new team and maybe have not played before but I'm a girl and I know if you have the ball you aren't supposed to slide to the ground to keep from being tackled. This isn't baseball. Or instead of getting tackled grab a hold of someone on the other team and pull them to the ground on top of you. This could be a long year for them.
What I love second to football is the relationships formed with the other parents. They become extended family for about 4 months of the year and you really get to know their hearts, struggles, joys, devastations and who they are. I love this. I am a people person. I love how we are drawn by football; a rowdy, contact sport and at the same time 5 moms can sit there with our chairs and share our struggles with our kids, spouses, heartaches, etc....
There are fun times too. Earlier in the week we had quite a lively practice arguing over whether "unbox" was a word or not. Moms said no, Dads said yes. Finally, a mom at home looked it up and those stinky boys won. We still have not heard the end of this. Laughter is the best. God is so good how He gave us each other to walk through life together. I love that the most.
Whether you are hitting someone on the field, watching from the side lines, coaching, running kids around, working, whatever you are doing. Don't miss interacting with the person right next to you. Strike up a conversation. Lighthearted or deep. Funny or serious. They may need you for something or you may need them. One thing is for sure, we all need each other. It's the way God made us and I am so thankful for it. See you on the football field of life!
Last night we scrimmaged another 5th grade team and it was rather comical. They are a new team and maybe have not played before but I'm a girl and I know if you have the ball you aren't supposed to slide to the ground to keep from being tackled. This isn't baseball. Or instead of getting tackled grab a hold of someone on the other team and pull them to the ground on top of you. This could be a long year for them.
What I love second to football is the relationships formed with the other parents. They become extended family for about 4 months of the year and you really get to know their hearts, struggles, joys, devastations and who they are. I love this. I am a people person. I love how we are drawn by football; a rowdy, contact sport and at the same time 5 moms can sit there with our chairs and share our struggles with our kids, spouses, heartaches, etc....
There are fun times too. Earlier in the week we had quite a lively practice arguing over whether "unbox" was a word or not. Moms said no, Dads said yes. Finally, a mom at home looked it up and those stinky boys won. We still have not heard the end of this. Laughter is the best. God is so good how He gave us each other to walk through life together. I love that the most.
Whether you are hitting someone on the field, watching from the side lines, coaching, running kids around, working, whatever you are doing. Don't miss interacting with the person right next to you. Strike up a conversation. Lighthearted or deep. Funny or serious. They may need you for something or you may need them. One thing is for sure, we all need each other. It's the way God made us and I am so thankful for it. See you on the football field of life!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My Beautiful, Messy Story
All around me I see piles of stuff. Papers, clothes, clutter...all calling my name. I know I need to be doing about 10 other things but my heart is telling me to write my story. Write it before I change my mind. It's a scary thing to share who we really are without Jesus. Who are you without Him? I know I wouldn't be sitting here if He didn't save my life in July 2006. This is my story.
I have to give you some background on my view of God before even going into brain cancer because it's important. I will only share a few relevant details, I could probably write a book, my childhood was pretty eventful. I will say, when I was five years old my mom left and did not come back. She left my brother, sister and I. I believe this began an internal fear/anxiety inside my heart. My dad remarried my mom who raised me and she had two kids. We went to church and I was saved at the age of six. I have no interest in disparaging my parents. I will say what was being taught at church was not matching up to what was happening at home and this was very difficult and confusing for me. Love was deeply needed but very much missing.
Being the late bloomer that I was, I didn't have my first date until 19. The first guy that came along, I literally grabbed a hold of for dear life. We married on my 20th birthday. Not a healthy marriage, I had no idea what I was doing. I was surprised when he didn't want to be married anymore and yet I wasn't. I believed people didn't stick around, real love didn't exist; I had never seen it. This just confirmed it even more.
During my separation I met Peggy and she re-introduced me to Jesus. It was like a light went on for me. I learned how to trust Him with my life. And I was so amazed that He would have someone like Jeff Wenzel for me. Here I had screwed up and I figured I would have to settle for "leftovers" (lies we tell ourselves) but no siree! Jeff was my list, I had secretly written what I wanted in a second husband. I even wanted a guy who could dance and man, could he dance!
We got married and began having kids. I need to tell you that I have a 23 year history with migraine headaches and am very comfortable taking medication. I am the first person to reach for taking something when I am sick or ill. I also have never slept well, my entire life. Sleep eludes me. I believe this has to do with my mom leaving, this is just my own hunch. But this is relevant to my story.
Being a mom did not come naturally for me. I struggled with it. When I first had Joseph I was overwhelmed with emotion regarding my mom leaving. I struggled to understand how she could leave her children. With each child born I became more overwhelmed as a parent. I could hear the enemy whispering to me, "You're just like her, you can't handle this." "You're going to walk away too, it's hereditary." After three kids, both Jeff and I knew I was barely coping as a mom.
When Olivia was 18 months, on April 1, 2003, they found a brain tumor the size of a cigarette pack on Jeff's right frontal lobe. Now, in my mind, deep inside my core I was always expecting the next shoe to drop where God was concerned. I still just didn't believe that He was truly good. All my junk was still looming around, not fully dealt with. Migraines, sleep issues, anxiety, parenting, is God really good and now let's throw in some brain cancer. Good times.
So we begin our 4-year battle with this disease because as far as I could see there was never a Door Number 2 to go through. Unless we just missed it. Ha Ha. Life just changed course and everything became about trying to save my sweet husband's life. Day in and day out. Even if we had a good day and we never said the words "brain cancer," they were always on our mind. I was always thinking, "Is the tumor growing back?" After all, the doctors had said, there is no cure for brain cancer. It wasn't a matter of if the tumor comes back but when.
Those of you who walked through the four years with us, know it was roller coaster ride and not a "It's A Small World" ride. Any moment with Jeff Wenzel was an adventure you would always remember, even brain cancer. By year three, it was taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I will not go into the loop-de-loop that Jeff had just brought me on before what I'm going to tell you. Suffice it say it was his biggest yet.
Between March and May 2006 Jeff's tumor had tripled in size. Things were grim. My body was shutting down from the stress. I was down to 100 lbs. I finally contacted my doctor and went on an anti-depressant. I probably should have went on one sooner but pride kept me from it. I was taking Ambien to sleep. Loritab for my migraines. I am a mess.
By June, I begin taking a Loritab everyday about 4pm, even though I don't have a headache. Just before all the kids come home from school/preschool. I know this is a problem since I'm not in pain. Then, I tell myself what I have is anxiety and Jeff is on anxiety medicine due to where the tumor is located. So secretly I begin taking his anxiety medication because I have got to get it together and keep up this fight. This is what I'm telling myself as I'm wasting away. Basically, I begin treating myself instead of seeking help because everyone is dealing with Jeff's cancer and expects me to be strong so I just need to stay strong. What a mess I was in.
Finally, on Wednesday, July 12, 2006, I broke down and confessed it all to Jeff. Embarrassed and ashamed are words to describe how I felt. In the afternoon, he came home and my friend and neighbor Linda came over and I confessed it to her. And then the two of them went through the house and made me give them all of my medicine. All of it, even in all the secret places. Internally, I was thinking, "Oh no, I just can't stop taking all this." I convinced Jeff to leave the Ambien (sleep medicine) because you have to wean off that. Which he did but said he would give it to me every night. But he left it sitting right there in the cabinet.
Jeff left with the boys for a baseball game and Olivia and I were home alone. I felt so many emotions. SHAME was the biggest. I want preface this with, I never once thought about ending my life. My next thoughts after he left were obviously mixed up but not suicidal. I thought, "If I could just sleep for two days, then I could keep fighting this battle with him, I'm so tired." But because I wrote Jeff a note, everything that happened changed course because of it.
I remember setting Olivia up in front of the TV with dinner. I remember writing a note. I remember taking 11 1/2 Ambien (I should have died, I am aware of this). After this it's all a blur. I remember a nurse asking me questions at the hospital but I have no idea what they were. But whatever I said, I was sent to the Psych Hospital for 5 days. Nice Testimony.
I know. I may have just changed your view of me but it is what is. I am only strong with Jesus.
But you know what, it was a gift. I needed to be there so bad. For 5 days it wasn't about Jeff, brain cancer, life and death, treatment, roller coaster rides, MRIs, people looking at us with pity, etc... It was about rest. And God knew I needed rest. And healing. And a miracle.
I didn't know at that moment but He literally healed me in that hospital. Not just saved my life but of all the stuff that I had dragged around. I was put on a new anti-depressant, one with the main side effect being weight gain (thus my large size now). But it also has a sleep aid so it's all I need to take at night for sleep. He healed me of all my anxiety issues and struggles with parenting (coping alone). I could never even sleep alone in my house, if Jeff was out of town, I always had to have a friend stay with me. It was all just taken from me.
We had a hard time in our marriage as you might imagine, Jeff was scared. He was thinking, "I might die, my wife is not stable, what is going to happen to our children." Totally valid concern. I knew I was healed but it took him awhile to believe it with his own eyes. But it was one of the best days of our entire marriage. I will remember it as long as I live.
He as sitting at our kitchen table (about 7 months before he died) and I came around the corner and he said these words to me. "I have been waiting 10 years for this woman to show up. That's why I married you, I saw glimpses of you." I replied with tears in my eyes, "I've been waiting 40 years for this woman to show up." Thank you Jesus for healing me.
Jeff died in complete peace that his wife and kids were going to be okay. What an amazing gift God gave to him! God is so patient with us and never gave up on me and all the times I never fully got it. I have counted about 7 different counseling times in my life dealing with all the junk that happened to me over my 40+ years. I walked away from every one of them, thinking how they helped some but I wasn't completely done. And what I realized is God is the ultimate healer. And He is still in the business of miracles. I am witness to one of them. I am one of them.
I would love to hear your story. I hope my blog will be a safe place for people to be real. Whatever that looks like. NO masks here. Real life is messy and not always pretty. I am praying for you today and whatever struggles you are dealing with. They are NOT too big for Him.
I have to give you some background on my view of God before even going into brain cancer because it's important. I will only share a few relevant details, I could probably write a book, my childhood was pretty eventful. I will say, when I was five years old my mom left and did not come back. She left my brother, sister and I. I believe this began an internal fear/anxiety inside my heart. My dad remarried my mom who raised me and she had two kids. We went to church and I was saved at the age of six. I have no interest in disparaging my parents. I will say what was being taught at church was not matching up to what was happening at home and this was very difficult and confusing for me. Love was deeply needed but very much missing.
Being the late bloomer that I was, I didn't have my first date until 19. The first guy that came along, I literally grabbed a hold of for dear life. We married on my 20th birthday. Not a healthy marriage, I had no idea what I was doing. I was surprised when he didn't want to be married anymore and yet I wasn't. I believed people didn't stick around, real love didn't exist; I had never seen it. This just confirmed it even more.
During my separation I met Peggy and she re-introduced me to Jesus. It was like a light went on for me. I learned how to trust Him with my life. And I was so amazed that He would have someone like Jeff Wenzel for me. Here I had screwed up and I figured I would have to settle for "leftovers" (lies we tell ourselves) but no siree! Jeff was my list, I had secretly written what I wanted in a second husband. I even wanted a guy who could dance and man, could he dance!
We got married and began having kids. I need to tell you that I have a 23 year history with migraine headaches and am very comfortable taking medication. I am the first person to reach for taking something when I am sick or ill. I also have never slept well, my entire life. Sleep eludes me. I believe this has to do with my mom leaving, this is just my own hunch. But this is relevant to my story.
Being a mom did not come naturally for me. I struggled with it. When I first had Joseph I was overwhelmed with emotion regarding my mom leaving. I struggled to understand how she could leave her children. With each child born I became more overwhelmed as a parent. I could hear the enemy whispering to me, "You're just like her, you can't handle this." "You're going to walk away too, it's hereditary." After three kids, both Jeff and I knew I was barely coping as a mom.
When Olivia was 18 months, on April 1, 2003, they found a brain tumor the size of a cigarette pack on Jeff's right frontal lobe. Now, in my mind, deep inside my core I was always expecting the next shoe to drop where God was concerned. I still just didn't believe that He was truly good. All my junk was still looming around, not fully dealt with. Migraines, sleep issues, anxiety, parenting, is God really good and now let's throw in some brain cancer. Good times.
So we begin our 4-year battle with this disease because as far as I could see there was never a Door Number 2 to go through. Unless we just missed it. Ha Ha. Life just changed course and everything became about trying to save my sweet husband's life. Day in and day out. Even if we had a good day and we never said the words "brain cancer," they were always on our mind. I was always thinking, "Is the tumor growing back?" After all, the doctors had said, there is no cure for brain cancer. It wasn't a matter of if the tumor comes back but when.
Those of you who walked through the four years with us, know it was roller coaster ride and not a "It's A Small World" ride. Any moment with Jeff Wenzel was an adventure you would always remember, even brain cancer. By year three, it was taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I will not go into the loop-de-loop that Jeff had just brought me on before what I'm going to tell you. Suffice it say it was his biggest yet.
Between March and May 2006 Jeff's tumor had tripled in size. Things were grim. My body was shutting down from the stress. I was down to 100 lbs. I finally contacted my doctor and went on an anti-depressant. I probably should have went on one sooner but pride kept me from it. I was taking Ambien to sleep. Loritab for my migraines. I am a mess.
By June, I begin taking a Loritab everyday about 4pm, even though I don't have a headache. Just before all the kids come home from school/preschool. I know this is a problem since I'm not in pain. Then, I tell myself what I have is anxiety and Jeff is on anxiety medicine due to where the tumor is located. So secretly I begin taking his anxiety medication because I have got to get it together and keep up this fight. This is what I'm telling myself as I'm wasting away. Basically, I begin treating myself instead of seeking help because everyone is dealing with Jeff's cancer and expects me to be strong so I just need to stay strong. What a mess I was in.
Finally, on Wednesday, July 12, 2006, I broke down and confessed it all to Jeff. Embarrassed and ashamed are words to describe how I felt. In the afternoon, he came home and my friend and neighbor Linda came over and I confessed it to her. And then the two of them went through the house and made me give them all of my medicine. All of it, even in all the secret places. Internally, I was thinking, "Oh no, I just can't stop taking all this." I convinced Jeff to leave the Ambien (sleep medicine) because you have to wean off that. Which he did but said he would give it to me every night. But he left it sitting right there in the cabinet.
Jeff left with the boys for a baseball game and Olivia and I were home alone. I felt so many emotions. SHAME was the biggest. I want preface this with, I never once thought about ending my life. My next thoughts after he left were obviously mixed up but not suicidal. I thought, "If I could just sleep for two days, then I could keep fighting this battle with him, I'm so tired." But because I wrote Jeff a note, everything that happened changed course because of it.
I remember setting Olivia up in front of the TV with dinner. I remember writing a note. I remember taking 11 1/2 Ambien (I should have died, I am aware of this). After this it's all a blur. I remember a nurse asking me questions at the hospital but I have no idea what they were. But whatever I said, I was sent to the Psych Hospital for 5 days. Nice Testimony.
I know. I may have just changed your view of me but it is what is. I am only strong with Jesus.
But you know what, it was a gift. I needed to be there so bad. For 5 days it wasn't about Jeff, brain cancer, life and death, treatment, roller coaster rides, MRIs, people looking at us with pity, etc... It was about rest. And God knew I needed rest. And healing. And a miracle.
I didn't know at that moment but He literally healed me in that hospital. Not just saved my life but of all the stuff that I had dragged around. I was put on a new anti-depressant, one with the main side effect being weight gain (thus my large size now). But it also has a sleep aid so it's all I need to take at night for sleep. He healed me of all my anxiety issues and struggles with parenting (coping alone). I could never even sleep alone in my house, if Jeff was out of town, I always had to have a friend stay with me. It was all just taken from me.
We had a hard time in our marriage as you might imagine, Jeff was scared. He was thinking, "I might die, my wife is not stable, what is going to happen to our children." Totally valid concern. I knew I was healed but it took him awhile to believe it with his own eyes. But it was one of the best days of our entire marriage. I will remember it as long as I live.
He as sitting at our kitchen table (about 7 months before he died) and I came around the corner and he said these words to me. "I have been waiting 10 years for this woman to show up. That's why I married you, I saw glimpses of you." I replied with tears in my eyes, "I've been waiting 40 years for this woman to show up." Thank you Jesus for healing me.
Jeff died in complete peace that his wife and kids were going to be okay. What an amazing gift God gave to him! God is so patient with us and never gave up on me and all the times I never fully got it. I have counted about 7 different counseling times in my life dealing with all the junk that happened to me over my 40+ years. I walked away from every one of them, thinking how they helped some but I wasn't completely done. And what I realized is God is the ultimate healer. And He is still in the business of miracles. I am witness to one of them. I am one of them.
I would love to hear your story. I hope my blog will be a safe place for people to be real. Whatever that looks like. NO masks here. Real life is messy and not always pretty. I am praying for you today and whatever struggles you are dealing with. They are NOT too big for Him.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My Testimony
Thank you for all your encourgaing words! Makes a girl want to press on. I start my new job on Monday so time is fleeting for me. A goal I have is to share my story with you this week. A few of you have heard my testimony but most have not. As some of you know, I traveled to Phoenix in March 2009 to share my story at Bethany Bible Church at a women's event. And again at my brother Shane's church a few days later. Many of my good friends bought tickets for the dinner/event to hear my testimony with no clue what it was about. I think most people believe Jeff had brain cancer for 4 years and I was this incredibly strong person who handled it with such grace, strength, blah, blah, blah.... Nothing could be further from the truth. So this week I will share with you how amazing God is and how we prayed for 4 years for a miracle for Jeff and for healing for Jeff. But in the end, the miracle and healing was for me. I was the miracle. Yes, of course Jeff was perfectly healed in heaven but Jesus HEALED me. Because He knew what we didn't, that Jeff would be leaving this earth and I would have the grand task of raising three children alone. And my entire life I wanted to be whole but struggled everyday with it. My only Hope was healing from Jesus. So I will share my story with you this week. The miracle was me.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Love is a gift
Well, friends. I'm not writing a book but I am writing a blog, so that's something. Baby steps. I know, I know everyone has a blog and all you need is one more to read. Please don't feel pressure to read mine. This is really me getting all the words out of my head because there are no other grown-ups in my house. I no longer want to say that facebook is my husband, as disturbing as that sounds.
As I put my third child on the school bus today, I was already prepared (which I rarely am) for a walk. Olivia drove off and I began my first moment of quiet bliss. Beautiful. Lovely. Sunny. As I walked, Norah Jones began to play on my IPOD, "Come Away With Me." And something happened in my first quiet moment, in those three minutes. It was as if Jeff was whispering in my ear, "come away with me in the night, I want to walk with you on a cloudy day in the fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high, so won't you try to come, come away with me..."
I can't begin to tell you the emotion I felt as I walked and imagined for three minutes running away with my love. Funny how after over three years, my heart longs for him. I believe God gave me the love I have for Jeff and so it will not die becasue he is gone. I am thankful for this morning because I realized that love is a gift and we should not take if for granted.
Be grateful for your spouse. I hope you are treating them as they are a gift. You might not have them tomorrow. Our pastor Terry spoke yesterday about most marriage problems can be solved by two simple things: kindness and humility. And think about that you have one of the three greatest things (faith, hope, love) in your possessions and how are you treating them?
I am fully aware of Jeff's faults and mine too. We didn't have a perfect marriage but we both just really liked being with each other. More than with anyone else.
I pray for all my friends marriages this week. Do something really great or really small for your spouse. Even if you think they don't deserve it. Remember how you used to feel when you were dating. Hey, Norah Jones is pretty romantic music, you can even borrow my cd. God is a big fan of your marriage. Me too. Blessings and thanks for coming along for the ride!
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