My Beautiful, Messy Story

All around me I see piles of stuff. Papers, clothes, clutter...all calling my name. I know I need to be doing about 10 other things but my heart is telling me to write my story. Write it before I change my mind. It's a scary thing to share who we really are without Jesus. Who are you without Him? I know I wouldn't be sitting here if He didn't save my life in July 2006. This is my story.

I have to give you some background on my view of God before even going into brain cancer because it's important. I will only share a few relevant details, I could probably write a book, my childhood was pretty eventful. I will say, when I was five years old my mom left and did not come back. She left my brother, sister and I. I believe this began an internal fear/anxiety inside my heart. My dad remarried my mom who raised me and she had two kids. We went to church and I was saved at the age of six. I have no interest in disparaging my parents. I will say what was being taught at church was not matching up to what was happening at home and this was very difficult and confusing for me. Love was deeply needed but very much missing.

Being the late bloomer that I was, I didn't have my first date until 19. The first guy that came along, I literally grabbed a hold of for dear life. We married on my 20th birthday. Not a healthy marriage, I had no idea what I was doing. I was surprised when he didn't want to be married anymore and yet I wasn't. I believed people didn't stick around, real love didn't exist; I had never seen it. This just confirmed it even more.

During my separation I met Peggy and she re-introduced me to Jesus. It was like a light went on for me. I learned how to trust Him with my life. And I was so amazed that He would have someone like Jeff Wenzel for me. Here I had screwed up and I figured I would have to settle for "leftovers" (lies we tell ourselves) but no siree! Jeff was my list, I had secretly written what I wanted in a second husband. I even wanted a guy who could dance and man, could he dance!

We got married and began having kids. I need to tell you that I have a 23 year history with migraine headaches and am very comfortable taking medication. I am the first person to reach for taking something when I am sick or ill. I also have never slept well, my entire life. Sleep eludes me. I believe this has to do with my mom leaving, this is just my own hunch. But this is relevant to my story.

Being a mom did not come naturally for me. I struggled with it. When I first had Joseph I was overwhelmed with emotion regarding my mom leaving. I struggled to understand how she could leave her children. With each child born I became more overwhelmed as a parent. I could hear the enemy whispering to me, "You're just like her, you can't handle this." "You're going to walk away too, it's hereditary." After three kids, both Jeff and I knew I was barely coping as a mom.

When Olivia was 18 months, on April 1, 2003, they found a brain tumor the size of a cigarette pack on Jeff's right frontal lobe. Now, in my mind, deep inside my core I was always expecting the next shoe to drop where God was concerned. I still just didn't believe that He was truly good. All my junk was still looming around, not fully dealt with. Migraines, sleep issues, anxiety, parenting, is God really good and now let's throw in some brain cancer. Good times.

So we begin our 4-year battle with this disease because as far as I could see there was never a Door Number 2 to go through. Unless we just missed it. Ha Ha. Life just changed course and everything became about trying to save my sweet husband's life. Day in and day out. Even if we had a good day and we never said the words "brain cancer," they were always on our mind. I was always thinking, "Is the tumor growing back?" After all, the doctors had said, there is no cure for brain cancer. It wasn't a matter of if the tumor comes back but when.

Those of you who walked through the four years with us, know it was roller coaster ride and not a "It's A Small World" ride. Any moment with Jeff Wenzel was an adventure you would always remember, even brain cancer. By year three, it was taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I will not go into the loop-de-loop that Jeff had just brought me on before what I'm going to tell you. Suffice it say it was his biggest yet.

Between March and May 2006 Jeff's tumor had tripled in size. Things were grim. My body was shutting down from the stress. I was down to 100 lbs. I finally contacted my doctor and went on an anti-depressant. I probably should have went on one sooner but pride kept me from it. I was taking Ambien to sleep. Loritab for my migraines. I am a mess.

By June, I begin taking a Loritab everyday about 4pm, even though I don't have a headache. Just before all the kids come home from school/preschool. I know this is a problem since I'm not in pain. Then, I tell myself what I have is anxiety and Jeff is on anxiety medicine due to where the tumor is located. So secretly I begin taking his anxiety medication because I have got to get it together and keep up this fight. This is what I'm telling myself as I'm wasting away. Basically, I begin treating myself instead of seeking help because everyone is dealing with Jeff's cancer and expects me to be strong so I just need to stay strong. What a mess I was in.

Finally, on Wednesday, July 12, 2006, I broke down and confessed it all to Jeff. Embarrassed and ashamed are words to describe how I felt. In the afternoon, he came home and my friend and neighbor Linda came over and I confessed it to her. And then the two of them went through the house and made me give them all of my medicine. All of it, even in all the secret places. Internally, I was thinking, "Oh no, I just can't stop taking all this." I convinced Jeff to leave the Ambien (sleep medicine) because you have to wean off that. Which he did but said he would give it to me every night. But he left it sitting right there in the cabinet.

Jeff left with the boys for a baseball game and Olivia and I were home alone. I felt so many emotions. SHAME was the biggest. I want preface this with, I never once thought about ending my life. My next thoughts after he left were obviously mixed up but not suicidal. I thought, "If I could just sleep for two days, then I could keep fighting this battle with him, I'm so tired." But because I wrote Jeff a note, everything that happened changed course because of it.

I remember setting Olivia up in front of the TV with dinner. I remember writing a note. I remember taking 11 1/2 Ambien (I should have died, I am aware of this). After this it's all a blur. I remember a nurse asking me questions at the hospital but I have no idea what they were. But whatever I said, I was sent to the Psych Hospital for 5 days. Nice Testimony.

I know. I may have just changed your view of me but it is what is. I am only strong with Jesus.
But you know what, it was a gift. I needed to be there so bad. For 5 days it wasn't about Jeff, brain cancer, life and death, treatment, roller coaster rides, MRIs, people looking at us with pity, etc... It was about rest. And God knew I needed rest. And healing. And a miracle.

I didn't know at that moment but He literally healed me in that hospital. Not just saved my life but of all the stuff that I had dragged around. I was put on a new anti-depressant, one with the main side effect being weight gain (thus my large size now). But it also has a sleep aid so it's all I need to take at night for sleep. He healed me of all my anxiety issues and struggles with parenting (coping alone). I could never even sleep alone in my house, if Jeff was out of town, I always had to have a friend stay with me. It was all just taken from me.

We had a hard time in our marriage as you might imagine, Jeff was scared. He was thinking, "I might die, my wife is not stable, what is going to happen to our children." Totally valid concern. I knew I was healed but it took him awhile to believe it with his own eyes. But it was one of the best days of our entire marriage. I will remember it as long as I live.

He as sitting at our kitchen table (about 7 months before he died) and I came around the corner and he said these words to me. "I have been waiting 10 years for this woman to show up. That's why I married you, I saw glimpses of you." I replied with tears in my eyes, "I've been waiting 40 years for this woman to show up." Thank you Jesus for healing me.

Jeff died in complete peace that his wife and kids were going to be okay. What an amazing gift God gave to him! God is so patient with us and never gave up on me and all the times I never fully got it. I have counted about 7 different counseling times in my life dealing with all the junk that happened to me over my 40+ years. I walked away from every one of them, thinking how they helped some but I wasn't completely done. And what I realized is God is the ultimate healer. And He is still in the business of miracles. I am witness to one of them. I am one of them.

I would love to hear your story. I hope my blog will be a safe place for people to be real. Whatever that looks like. NO masks here. Real life is messy and not always pretty. I am praying for you today and whatever struggles you are dealing with. They are NOT too big for Him.