Here's to last 4 years! Goddard Lions Football

Who really likes change?  Yesterday ended Ben's 4 years of junior football with the same boys since 3rd grade.  This means I've been with these parents and coaches for 4 years as well.  And if you know me, I'm a total extrovert, I'm all in with relationships.  These are my peoples, my family.  No more screaming in the stands, yelling at the refs.  No more Noal telling us to behave! With that smile on his face.  No more hearing Kim McSwain's voice across the field.  No more Coach Mackey coming to practice and games in shorts when it's 20 degrees outside.

Sure we'll see each around but it won't be the same.  Seasons of life are just that.  The season has officially ended.  And Ben and I sat in our van and cried. 

I love football.  I was at most practices being the center of some joke because, well I was usually sticking my foot in my mouth.  What will I do every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. Withdrawals are coming.  You see the parents of our teams we just really liked one another, never drama.  We just had the best weeekend in Topeka.  Oh, there was drama but it was on our cheerleading squad, those parents have some issues.  We just really LIKE each other.

Ben found his passion on the football field.  He almost didn't play, he was so small and I was afraid he would get hurt.  My husband had just passed away in 2007 and I was sure Ben would forget we had promised he could play in 3rd grade.  He didn't.  I was reminded to keep promises and try to make decisions and think about if Jeff was here, what would he say?  So I signed him up reluctantly and who knew I would love this game so much too?  Who knew my my little kid would be a linebacker?  Who knew he would make friends that he will probably keep for a lifetime?  Me too.

I cannot tell you the impact his defensive coach has had on him.  Coaches can do that for kids.  There are moments when my son has fell apart after a game and he wants no part of me, I know what he wants but he is in heaven.  But this "surrogate father/coach" will always go to him and he knows what to say.  And it's exactly what he needs.  I cannot be this for Ben.  His impact will be remembered for years, I know Ben will not forgot you, Mike Carraway.  I will not.  You have treated my son as your own. 

I am grateful for these coaches who have given their time year after year.  They are just dads.  I cry as I type this because my child doesn't have his here and I so wish he could have come to a game and seen him play.  Don't miss out on your kids lives.  Be there for them.  Don't miss one single chance you get to hang with them.  Life is fleeting and short and uncertain.  Never take it for granted.  But also be available for the ones who don't have a dad.  Many of you parents have been that for my son.  Thank you, I see it all.

Sorry if I've made you cry.  Been feeling a bit sentimental today. Looking back at the past four years.  Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving!  This year I'm so thankful for all of you.   Many blessings, Reneene

Army Strong!

Every night we lay our weary heads on our pillows and pray God gives us another day.  Morning comes with the familiar rising of the sun and we start all over again.  Most of us plow through life, everyday looks like the one before.  Our lives have become settled in.  Nothing particular new and exciting on the horizon.  Tomorrow my 20-year old nephew Jack (we like to call him Jackie) will rise up from his familiar bed or couch at my in-laws home and leave for the U. S. Army. 

Jack is the oldest grandchild of 9 for my in-laws.  And we are a tight-knit group us Wenzel clan.  This will be a hard night tonight saying goodbye.  My two boys look up to Jackie, he's the cool older cousin who hunts and likes to fish.  He still likes to play video games with them.  Change is hard. 

I want to encourage him.  I have never been in the military but I was a military brat.  My dad was a lifer, 20 years USAF.  Tomorrow you will wake-up and leave home and for the first time have to find all that you need within yourself.  Tomorrow you are a man.  No one will there to take care of you.  Many will be praying for you.  Praying for you to succeed.  But you will have one person who will never leave you or forsake you and that's Jesus. 

He doesn't cost any money, He doesn't weigh anything (a small bible is great to bring though) and you can talk to Him anytime you want.  I imagine it will get lonely and hard at times.  There are many rooting for you!  This is going to be the first day of the rest of your life.  I pray it's just the beginning of great plans God has for you.

If your Uncle Jeff was here, he'd tell you to live life to the fullest.  Be adventurous.  Take risks.  Have fun.  Don't forget Jesus.  Make friends.  Don't give up.

I wanted to tell about some famous people who served in the military.  It's a noble and honorable quest you're taking on:

Bill Cosby --  Navy
Drew Carey -- USMC
Alan Alda -- Army
Johnny Carson -- Navy
Clint Eastwood -- Army
Rocky Marciano (Boxer) -- Army
Shaggy (Reggae, Pop Star) -- USMC
George Steinbrenner -- USAF
George Washington -- Union Navy (Civil War)
Chuck Norris -- USAF
Elvis Presley -- Army
Ice T -- Army
Sean Connery -- Royal Navy

Another piece of trivia...out of 44 U.S. Presidents only 16 did not serve in the military.  And after Franklin D. Roosevelt (#32) who couldn't join because he contacted the measles, all presidents after him served except Clinton and Obama.  Interesting.

You are joining the ranks with some pretty impressive people.  Truly noone is really great without Him.  Mostly I pray you will seek Jesus out because all the things you have found comfort in will be gone.  And Jesus has greater plans for your life, for all of our lives, than we could even dream of.  So I will leave you with this verse, one of my favorites.

     The Lord will guide you always;
     he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
     and will strengthen your frame.
     You will be like a well-watered garden,
     like a spring whose waters never fail.
                      Isaiah 58:11

These words are for all of us, to take risks, lose the comforts, seek Jesus regularly, be adventurous, don't give up so easily, don't get stuck in the mundane, be grateful for each day we have.  Every day is a gift from God!

See you tonight, Jackie!  I love you,  Aunt Reneene

Secret Goals and Dreams

If I could write while I was driving or taking a shower, I would probably have a book published by now.  Did you know that's my secret goal?  The biggest obstacle, truthfully there a number of them, is ME.  I'm a big chicken.  I can pretty much talk myself out of anything.  This may be hard to believe because I talk so stinking much but I am a closet under-achiever. 

What would this book be about?  Even if no one bought it, I have a desire to write about Jeff's (our) cancer journey, who he was, our life together, how God healed me.  It would be for our children.  When they grow up and want to know what happened.  The whole story.  When they want to know about Jeff and our amazing love story.  I would love to have it written down for them.  Truth is as time goes by, I am forgetting things.  Age does this to you. If people also bought it, then that would be a bonus and I could provide for my family.

Writing a book sounds too big to me.  I cannot even count how many people have told me I should write a book.  Really I just don't know where to begin and so I begin nowhere.  Which may seem like a cop-out to you.  Essentially, I am putting this out here because I WANT to start this project.  It's time.  I believe it's something God would have me do, I am in my own way.

I was watching Dr. Phil and he was talking about goals and setting them (another weakness of mine) and he said something very defining for me.  He said, "Someday, is not a day of the week."  When we say we will get to that someday it's not specific enough.  Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
I am coming up on 5 years since Jeff went to Jesus and know it's time to move and make specific goals in regards to writing if I'm ever going to write this book.

Why is it so easy for us to inspire and encourage our children to dream big?  We tell them they can grow up to be anything they want, do anything, be president, play in the NFL, the possibilities are endless.  But at some point as adults we stop doing this for ourselves.  I think this is unfortunate.  God certainly doesn't stop believing in us when we reach a particular age.  He created us.  Just read Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
   you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
   Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
   I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
   you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
   how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
   all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
   before I'd even lived one day.


What are some goals and dreams you have had, maybe you've not even said them out loud because then they are real?  I know I probably need someone whose an expert in writing to help me fulfill mine.  We shouldn't be afraid to ask for help.  I am really believing 2012 is going to be the year of Joy and life and light and Hope.

Parenting

Parenting, hands down is the hardest, most challenging part of my life.  Even more than losing my spouse to cancer.  You know the saying, "I was the best parent before I had kids."  It's a daunting and enormous gift we have been given, our children.  Not for the faint of heart, no turning back, not a part time gig.  It's a 24/7, 365 days a year, 18+ years for each kid, kind of commitment.  Nobody gives this much of themselves to a career/job, some barely to a spouse.  Parenting is serious business.

A few years back in my small group from church, we were going through Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study.  I will never forget a story she shared, it's from comedian Gilda Radner's book "It's Always Something:"


When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, just a mutt, and the dog was pregnant.  I don't know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week.  She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off.  They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies are okay.  She'll be able to deliver the puppies."

Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."

So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned walk.  She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping up her backside, and then taking two steps and flipping up her backside again.  She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health.  She nursed them and then weaned them.  And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.



This story comes to my mind over the years.  It says so much about being a parent.  I have an incredible capacity to teach my children, they are watching me, mimicking me.  What am I doing?  I can want them to have certain qualities in their life but if I don't have them in mine, we'll you can guess it. 

I am realizing each day the not so desirable behaviors I am seeing in my children have been regularly modeled by me.  Ouch.  This is hard to admit and write on my blog but I cannot expect my children to have self-control, patience, gentleness, kindness, be slow to anger when I have just blown my cool and yelled at them.  See the hypocrisy?

The truth is, if you don't like being around your kids because they are rude, disrespectful, disobedient, little bullies (and I am talking to myself here too) it's your fault, us the parents.  They have become what we have allowed.  Maybe you're doing it alone and you're tired.  Maybe you've checked out and this is what they have become.  Maybe their dad died and you have over-indulged or overcompensated.  It may be hard to hear but re-read the above story again.  Unfortunately, our society today caters to kids.  They are "the center of the universe." 

There are days I look at the mountain in front of me and think it's just TOO BIG.  I can't fix all the mistakes I've made and we do make them.  But the Jesus I have known in the past, the one who has never left my side, is big enough to move mountains.  HE loves children.  And since He left me down here with these three blessings, I guess He thought I could do it. 

We are raising children but really we are raising adults.  It's a lifelong commitment and there are days it takes more than we have.  Days we wonder if this is going to turn out or if we will be visiting a prison in 20 years (do you have these days?).  And days when your children surprise you with their acts of kindness toward their siblings or unselfishness. 

If you are reading this blog entry and don't have children, don't feel left out.  Look around.  There are so many kids needing a mentor or maybe there's a family member or friend who needs a break every week.  Help someone out who has kids.  It's an enormous undertaking, you could be a source of relief for a single parent or family.  And your life would be so enriched too.  Kids are amazing, truly they are.  You will not regret pouring into a child's life.

My deepest fear is that I'm going to mess this up.  And since I believe it's the most important thing God has placed in my hands, I ask you to pray for me.  Pray as I parent my children alone.  Pray I will regularly seek Jesus.  And as I do, He will again begin to change my heart to look more like Him.  Pray the example my children see will only be Him and not me.  So much to ask for but my task is big.  As is yours, I too will pray for you. 

Here's To Marriage: Paige & Matt

On Friday, I am going to be with my oldest and dearest friend (since 6th grade) as her only daughter marries.  How exciting for Paige and Matt!  Marriage is serious business.  Many take it lightly.  Many walk away so easily.  Or don't even marry at all.  God is a big fan of marriage, he created it, designed it.  Not to be entered lightly, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do us part.  Bringing back memories?

When we were young and in love (and I mean, seriously "in love'') standing up at that altar, we would've said just about anything to be married to this almost perfect person.  Remember the moment?  Really, it's better not knowing what might be ahead, kind of like a roller coaster.  Specifically, Space Mountain at Disney World.  It's a roller coaster in a mountain and you are completely in the dark. 

I believe if God told us in advance all that was ahead for us in our marriage, many might not go through with it.  The fun of marriage is figuring life out together, even the hard stuff.  You might not think I can give marital advice since I am no longer married.  Alas!  I am the perfect person, I was married for 10 years and after such an enormous loss, I have great perspective.

Be adventurous.  Try new things.  Don't nag and nit-pick and try to change your spouse, the only person you can change is YOU.  Don't make mountains out of molehills, are you willing to die on this hill for whatever you are fighting over?  Most things are not that big of a deal.  Chill-out.  Cancer is a big deal.  Let your spouse be them and you be you, still having your own friends and individual time but also couple time.  Laugh a lot.  Don't go to bed angry if possible.  NEVER talk negative about your spouse with your family when you're fighting, you will make-up but they will remember what you said because you will always be their baby.  Don't be selfish.  Do little things to remind your spouse you love them everyday.  Listen, listen, listen.  Work out holidays in advance and let your families know what your doing, you are a family now; this will be a big adjustment.  Respect each other, men really need to feel respected, this is huge for them.  Women need to feel loved, this is very important.  "The Five Love Languages" is a good book to get.  Be grateful for everyday you have with each other.  It is a gift.  Not everyone experiences love/marriage, you are fortunate.  And God does not promise we will live to be 100 years old,  sitting on a front porch growing old together.  Live everyday as it is your last.  Life is fleeting.  Lastly, always have God at the center of your marriage.

It's truly the little things in marriage I miss the most.  Walking through the back door and saying "I'm home."  Or calling to see how his day is going or vice versa.  Just having another human being fully committed to me, caring about me and my well-being.  My number one fan.  My protector.  My cheerleader.  When I need to fall apart or have a moment, he's the one I felt safe with.  Crawling in bed next to a warm body.  Making some funny comment and he knows exactly what I meant.  Having two extra hands with the kids.  With everything.  Someone to __________ you fill in the blank.  My life partner in all things.  That's what marriage is.  That's what you sign-up for when you say I do.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  But it's beautiful!

Marriage at it's finest is grand.  I'm a huge fan and I believe you will have a wonderful life if you always put the other before yourself.  You have a great example in your parents, Paige!  Still haven't made it through a wedding without losing it completely.  The vows always get me, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  For those of you who are married, I hope you realize how truly lucky you are.  Because your children are watching how you do this marriage thing, how you treat one another.  You are their example for their future marriage.  Here's to marriage!

Robertson vs. Robertson

I am torn.  There are about 10 things I need to be doing today after my 4 1/2 power nap yesterday but I woke to Pat Robertson all over the news.  Inner turmoil and words crammed into my brain have won out.  In case you haven't heard the disturbing news, brace yourself. Mr. Robertson announced on his "700 Club" television show (lovely): Divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer's is justifiable.  He said, he believes the disease is "a kind of death."  Isn't that nice of him?

I am just flat out mad.  He told a male viewer whose friend had started seeing another woman after his wife was diagnosed, and I quote "I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her."

That somebody should be her husband.  He agreed to the deal the day he said "I Do."  I realize in our society people get divorced for just about any old reason.  I believe the term "irreconcilable differences" is the catch-all but this is a supposed Christian leader.

Robertson McQuilkin was married 40 years to his wonderful bride Muriel when she began having symptoms of Alzheimer's.  He was president of Columbia Bible College at the time and had been for 22 years when he resigned in 1990 to care for her full-time.
These are the words he spoke to the board at the college:

…recently it has become apparent that Muriel is contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away from her. It is not just "discontent." She is filled with fear—even terror—that she has lost me and always goes in search of me when I leave home. So it is clear to me that she needs me now, full-time… The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel "in sickness and in health…till death do us part." So, as I told the students and faculty, as a man of my word, integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of her debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But there is more: I love Muriel. She is a delight to me—her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I don't have to care for her. I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person.

Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You should get his book.  It's called "A Promise Kept," someone gave it to me after Jeff's brain tumor was removed because the husband who came home was very different than the one I married.  Those of you who were around, remember what a challenging time it was.  Funny thing is Jeff really liked the new him.  I had to grapple with, what if he never goes back to how he was?  But I made a vow before God and a lot of people.  Interestingly, it wasn't until I fully gave it to Jesus and said, "Ok, if this my new husband, I'm okay with it."  The moment I accepted him fully and he felt it, he began to change more into the person he was. 

Through the four years of Jeff's cancer fight he would at times apologize to me, for putting me through this.  As if he had any control or choice.  But I don't hold Pat's view.  I always counted myself the luckiest girl in the world.  Even now.  I would rather walk through brain cancer with Jeff than be married to any other man I'd tell him.  And I meant it.  Did you know him?  You know what I mean then.  Not once in those 4 years did he complain or ask God "Why me? 

Not me of course, I was not happy about it one bit.  But every night he would kneel by the side of the bed to pray.  Even at the very end when he couldn't remember to get back up and I would wake-up and he was still there by the side of the bed.  Truly amazing man.  These are the stories I get to share with my children. 

Now 4 years is a long time.  I guess some people might have "hit the road."  To me, it wasn't long enough.  There is such beauty in pain and you can miss it if you check-out or move on.  Sometimes life is hard, God never promises us happiness but He won't ever leave us.  If you are going through something difficult, gut-wretching, painful, bigger than you can handle please know it's not for nothing.  God can and will use it all if we let Him in.  Let Him carry you but I promise you, He doesn't want you to walk away just because you might not be happy anymore.  Happiness is so overrated.

So, there you are. Two very differing views from men with the name "Robertson."
Pat Robertson or Robertson McQuilkin, which one would you rather be married to?
An oncologist quoted in the book, "A Promise Kept" said, "Almost all women stand by their men, very few men stand by their women."  In regards to illness.  Interesting quote.  A side note, Jeff wasn't very compassionate in regards to my migraines until he began having headaches for 3 weeks before finding the brain tumor.  After that, he was much more sympathetic to mine.  I was secretly thankful.

Whackadoodle and Johnny Cash!

Just so you know, I'm not always a whackadoodle.  I have my moments of lucid thoughts and deep conversations.  There does seem to be a pattern with my posts.  One "airhead" situation and then a meaningful time with one of my kids or Jesus.  Isn't that how life works?  Much more exciting. 

Each of my children are very different.  My oldest prefers comedies when it comes to movies and my middle, well I can talk him into deeper, dramatic themed movies.  I have been wanting to watch "Walk the Line" with him, the story of Johnny Cash's life.  He was home sick one day last week and we did just that. 

If you have seen it, the movie is very hard to watch at times.  It opens with Johnny (who was named J. R. by his family) and his older brother Jack, they are best friends.  They are poor but love being together.  The father clearly prefers Jack, he is going to be a preacher.  Johnny is very much into music, like his momma.  Back then folks talked of music as it being a waste of time or even from the devil (rock and roll).

Sadly, Jack is killed in a freak accident and the father verbally says, "God took the wrong son." Can you imagine your father telling you this?  The family home becomes a sad place to be.  Watching this angers Ben, he wants to go into the TV and hurt that father, he says.  Johnny feels his father disapproval from early childhood forward to adulthood.  Eventually he joins the military, marries, has children and then finally is discovered as a singer.

Internally, he is a mess.  Marriage is a mess.  His friends on tour are Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Waylon Jennings (all the biggies) and June Carter.  These men introduce to him drugs, alcohol, woman etc... This of course numbs all the pain from his past.

His life is spiraling out of control.  As Ben watches this part, he comments what a loser this man is becoming, doing all this bad stuff.  He can't see that he's in pain and he's making bad choices so he doesn't have to deal with it.  Eventually his wife leaves him and his life is so bad the tour comes to a halt.  The drugs take over his life. 

But he is still trying to earn his father's approval.  We does this, even as adults.  And his dad just won't give it, not even the tiniest bit.  In the end, it's June Carter and her parents who help Johnny detox.  They stay with him day and night.  Even running his drug dealer off the property with a gun. 

What I am amazed at, was the first words out of Johnny's mouth when he was finally sober.  Completely drug-free.  His first words were his father's words, God took the wrong son.  Ben and I talk about this.  Words have so much power.  We can't take them back.  We can say we're sorry but once they are out there, they stay with us.

Are you using words that encourage or harm others?  I tell Ben that Johnny Cash wasn't being a loser taking all those drugs and drinking, it just numbed the pain.  It kept him from hurting.  We do that sometimes, we don't want to feel so we turn to our "thing," whatever it is to stop the pain.

June Carter was his angel.  That's what he told her.  He said, "I've done so many bad things."  Haven't we all?  No one deserve grace or second or third or fourth chances.  But that's where Jesus steps in.  He became the Father Johnny should have had.  No child should have been spoken to by their father like that.

I tell Ben, see there are things worse than not having a father, you could have had Johnny's father.  Someone always has it worse.  It's extremely important to me that my children don't see themselves as victims.  Otherwise it means God wasn't paying attention. He'd say something like, "Oh, look I turned my head for a second and Jeff Wenzel died.  What am I going to do?  Those kids are going to be a mess without their dad."

I know that's not how God works.  This was not an accident.  He did not fall asleep on the job.  This is part of my children's story now.  I pray for them.  I pray it will make them stronger.  There are strong Christian men who walk along side them, that Jeff and I asked before he passed.  Men who have committed their lives to my children. 

This movie reminds me to not judge others.  No one knows what another has been through.  I realize once we are adults we need to take responsibility for our lives.  But everyone needs Jesus.  And I'm a sucker for redemption stories.  Johnny Cash never forgot that as he did concerts at the Folsom Prison.  This was unheard of.  People did not think much of prisoners, they didn't deserve it.  But Johnny didn't agree.  And as you know, I've had my own recent incident with the prison.  Maybe I'll start a prison ministry!

Why Are All The Good Ones in Jail?

I wish I could tell you this story is about a "friend." You might even be wondering how it's possible I'm a parent to three children. But I am. Remember I was just coming off a week long migraine and an ER visit, lots of drugs. And yet I'm still not sure this helps but oh well. Here we go. I know you need a Monday laugh.

It was Saturday morning and our home phone started ringing. Caller ID showed "Global Tel Link" and my kids know not to answer it. We all assume it's a sales call. But they keep calling over and over and over. Very irritating. We leave for a bit to run errands. Few hours later back at the house the calls start up again, no message is ever left. I've had enough, I decide to answer and tell them to stop calling.

For the record this was the 10th call from this number. I answer to a recording from the Sedgwick County Jail informing me it's a collect call from an inmate. If I want to except the charges press 9. Two of my kids are in the kitchen with me as I push 9. I still have no idea why. Next thing I'm talking to "John Smith" (not his real name). And yes, I agreed to pay $4.50 for this phone call to a complete stranger. Below will show our conversation:

Me: "You have the wrong number, who are you trying to reach?"
JS: "My family but their phone numbers won't accept collect calls"
Me: "How did you get my number?" he never answers this question
Me: "What do you want me to do?"
JS: "Can you please call my family members? I need them to put money on my account because I'm starving to death down here. I'm 6'2'' and weigh 155lbs., I go to bed hungry every night. And will you tell them I'm being charged with Aggravated Robbery but I'm innocent (I'm totally freaking out at this point). My friend I was with did it but I didn't."

He proceeds to give me numbers to his mom, dad and brother. Tells me he's going to call me back the next day. Promises he'll pay me back when he gets out. Ask me my name. But even then I couldn't lie and I tell him it's Reneene. What is wrong with me? Ben is about to have a coronary in my kitchen. We hang up.

I call all the numbers. Only his brother answers. He informs me that his brother is getting fed 4 meals a day, he wants money for pop and candy. He says his brother is not innocent and furthermore a drug addict who is exactly where he needs to be. Wonderful. I, who recently have become addicted to watching "Criminal Minds" and actually have some pain medication in my home for migraines, is picturing this man getting out of prison and well, you fill in the blank.

Shortly after, Jeff's cousin Dave walks in to hang out with my boys. I tell him everything. He just got a job with the prison. "Why didn't you call me?" he asks. Well, I'm still trying to figure out why I pressed the number 9. He starts trying to find the number to the jail to get my phone number taken off this inmates call list. Oh yes, let's do that. Good idea!

We also pulled up the Sedgwick County Jail website and do an inmate search. Oh my, he had about 8 arrest charges against him on 7/15. Aggravated robbery, drug possession, resisting arrest, obstruction, etc. My new best friend is a bad boy, great!

And then I remember we know someone who works for the Sheriff's Dept. and we call her. She calls "John Smith" at the jail and asks him how he got my number. First he tells her he dialed it randomly (10 times, really) and then he tells her he went to church with me (not true). She makes sure my number is taken off and tells him to stop calling me.

My dear friend Linda laughs and laughs as I tell her my story. And then she says, "And you aren't even an elderly person." I guess it could be worse, I could've felt really bad for him and put money on his account. He does have a hearing on Tuesday. Maybe I should go, for support. Since we went to church together and all. How do I get myself into these things?

I will say my children are rather spooked. Thank goodness I have a dog who normally I'd rather do without because she's like Marley from Marley and Me. Accepting applications for bodyguards. Especially if you resemble Shemar Moore! Call me.

Our Summer

M.I.A. Apparently, I have jumped ship this summer. Where are all those blog entries I talked about writing? Do they count if they're in my head? Bam, just like that summer is almost gone. A major highlight were the uninvited, ever-present, glaring, painful migraine headaches constantly banging on my door. I count 3 trips to the ER this summer, that is a record for me. It's a good thing I didn't blog while I had one of these monsters. Who knows what might have showed up on here!

Hope. For the first time in a long while, I am feeling hopeful again. It's a combination of things but really at the core it's Jesus. He orchestrates all of life whether we acknowledge it or not. I had been rather angry at Him but I wasn't ready to admit it. You have to tell Him the truth, He can take it. He can use anything, anyone He wants to get through to us. Because He loves us that much.

For me, it was a 4 year old boy's book called "Heaven is For Real." I read that book and in my heart I saw Jesus in heaven, so clearly. But I also saw Jeff. And it gave me a peace that needed to move forward. And moving forward meant moving forward toward Jesus. I am ready to need Him again and trust Him.

The kids and I were able to take a vacation to Florida. We brought Jeff's nephew Jack with us, he's 20 years old and I'm sure I wouldn't have survived Disney World without him. We only went to DW for 3 days and I'm not sure I could've handled more. I must be getting too old for this break-neck pace, staying up until 3am, neck whipping back and forth, 75 mph adventure! Just remembering it makes me want to lie down.

My favorite part of the family vacation was the 3 days spent at Cocoa Beach. People will ask "what did you do there?" We did nothing, absolutely nothing. And it was the best part of the trip. We sat on the beach, swam in the ocean, made sand castles. It was perfect. You know, the Travelocity commercial. Except with a widow. Sorry, had to throw that in. I waited for George Clooney to walk by but he never showed up. His loss.

We have had many, many pool parties at our house this summer! Maybe you have been over for one of them. Chillin. Listening to BOB fm on the radio, doing a Cannon Ball in the pool, eating watermelon (my favorite summer fruit). Maybe you played some basketball or tennis on our court, fun times. Glad you came. We love summer and friends.

Baseball games, many were played. Good job, Ben and those Rockets! Softball games, lots of games. Good job, Olivia and those Hot Tamales! This mama has sat and sat and sat. She has cheered for her babies! Eaten a ton of seeds, laffy taffy, licorice ropes and drank way too many gatorades! But tan, she is soooo tan. She loves her baseball/softball families, they help her carry her load, which is often too heavy, they make her laugh, they are her heart.

And in a blink school will be upon us. Joseph will be an 8th grader, Ben a 6th grader and Olivia a 4th grader. Time is fleeting. You cannot get it back. And every day is a gift, do not waste it. Each day I realize how much their daddy is missing but I now KNOW he is truly in a better place. He is waiting for us to join him when it's our time.

Until then, we will have a lot of pool parties, make friends, tell them about Jesus, go to baseball/softball/football games, movies, church, go on vacations, play games, read great books, cry when we're sad, laugh when we're happy and make a lot of memories until we meet Jesus.

Top 10 Reasons Reneene's Negectled Her Blog

10. She was busy being a Team Captain for the Jeff Wenzel Memorial Walk at
the Easter Sun Run. The Wenzel Warriors had the biggest team with 125
members!

9. She's driving Ben and Olivia around to many baseball/softball practices
and games/tournaments. Taxi driver has become her new 2nd job.

8. The kids are out of school and home 24/7. Someone is always using the
computer, unless she wants to get on at 2am!

7. Migraines have been a real monster. Who really wants to hear about
pain, suffering and migraine headaches? You already have to hear about
grief and loss.

6. She's been in a bigger pit than she let on. Seriously downer, depressing
blah, blah, blah..... The kind of stuff you tell your counselor and they listen
because you're paying them. But the sun is coming out now!

5. She's can't think of anything exciting, witty, funny, inspiring to write. So
she's taking entries from you, her life is rather boring at the moment.

4. She's trying to plan her summer vacation to Florida. Roadtrip? Fly?
Disneyworld? Universal Studios? It may seem simple but she's had bad
luck when it comes to vacations. Ask her about the cruise sometime.

3. She's always chasing piles of laundry. She should have this down, she's
been doing this for 13 years now. But no, so many clothes, piles are
everywhere. She would love a laundress.

2. She's been too busy watching TV episodes of "Psych" and "Monk" with
her oldest son Joseph on Netflix. The Wenzel family just loves that Netflix!

1. She's been wading through knee high grass in the back yard, finding all
sorts of objects; baseballs, parts of the hose, pool toys, etc...
Wondering if the mower will survive it or not. Keep you posted!

Blogging needs to be cultivated and kept up, kind of like my yard. I have let them both go, so to speak. My yard is uninhabitable, not something I want people to see. My blog is the same. You will not read it, if there is nothing to read. My goal this summer is to keep you reading as I keep my son mowing. Hope you have a great summer!

Garments of Mourning

Every day is a gift from God. I still believe this is true. It's perfectly human to stop for a moment and have a good cry. Remembering someone who changed your life for the better. It's not however a good idea to pop up a tent and start a camp fire and make this your new home. No sirree! I admit to being a bit stuck. Anniversary dates get me. I almost posted a play by play of our day on that fateful April Fools Day in 2003. God and I have gone round and round since last night. I have been slowly doing a bible study book on Ruth called, "Loss, Love and Legacy" by Kelly Minter. It's powerful stuff. This morning God used the words I needed to hear. He got my heart today. It's been a long time since He got my heart. I haven't let Him near it. I've been afraid to He wasn't safe anymore. Today I share with you her words, Kelly's words. She is talking about Ruth, the widow and how she puts on "new" garments for Boaz. She had to cast off her garments of mourning. The rest is from her book, it is in quotations. "Though many of us have not experienced the unspeakable and incomprehensible tragedy of losing a spouse or someone we love deeply, we have known a time when God asked us to take off our clothes of mourning, clinging, grasping, wishing, hoping, striving, even praying for something...and move forward. I specifically remember a moment when God made this exact request of me. I had been clinging to the past, hanging on to the last ragged edges of something He had worked hard to move me on from. It was time for me to move forward without my mourning clothes. Here's the deal: When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. In a sense, we take ourselves out of the game. Please know that if you have walked Ruth's exact journey of a dire loss, I am not at all presuming on your grieving process. My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever. Do you sense that God is asking you to throw off some weighty garments? Unforiveness, bitterness, anger, discontentment, jealousy, mourning or anything else that might be keeping you in a stagnant place?" Can you believe how God showed up today? I believe every one of you who prayed for me had a part in this, don't believe for a minute your prayers aren't working. My blog is for you and I hope the words God gave me, He also gave you. That you will be moved by them. Stagnant is the perfect word to describe what my life has been like these past four years. But today I KNOW God wants me to take off my clothes of mourning and begin to live the life He has for me. I don't know what that looks like but today I gave my heart back to Him. It's a good day, Praise God.

Who's Your Daddy?

The idea of God being our Father or even our "Daddy" has been something taught by Sunday School teachers or youth leaders my whole life. It's hard to imagine God as a Father but for many, the earthly ones sometimes brought pain or weren't even physically there. Some weren't loving or safe. We need God to provide what was missing. He promises unconditional love. No earthly father can even touch that.

When I try to imagine God as a "daddy," what I picture is Charles Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. Can you imagine him as your daddy? A real man's man but tenderhearted. Not afraid to cry. Kind. Tough when he needed to be. Listened to his kids. Disciplined them but was always intentional with them. Hardworking. Loved only one woman. Man of faith but struggled through things, life wasn't easy for him and his family. Always willing to help a fellow man, no matter the cost. Played the fiddle and sang at night. Gave to the community all he had. Sacrificed. Forgave when wronged. Taught his children to work hard. When his children messed up, he made them be responsible for their own actions. He wasn't too proud to do any job to provide for his family. He always made time for his children. They knew he loved them.

I imagine if God was my daddy on earth, I'd like one like this. Could be why I always cry when this show is on. What's your perfect daddy picture look like? You guessed it. I have been watching a LHOTP marathon this weekend. The show always gets me.

Who's your "perfect" daddy? Maybe you had one in real life, lucky you. Tell me all about it, I would love to know!

She.....

~tells her children every single day she loves them, sometimes more than once.
~loves anything sweet, Willy Wonka might have been a good husband but Jeff
Wenzel beat him out.
~often feels completely inadequate as a parent.
~can't believe Jesus is still here but knows He really loves her.
~wishes she was more disciplined, in ALL areas.
~can sometimes be harsh and is working on gentleness this year.
~can't believe she has a teenager.
~wishes she liked to exercise, she used to be quite the athlete.
~has never slept well; her entire life.
~loves warmth but lives in Kansas.
~is a news junkie.
~she misses being driven around and having someone else fill-up the tank.
~couldn't do life without her friends.
~wonders if she'll ever get over losing Jeff.
~cannot help being transparent; it's who she is.
~loves "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers, she has given away at least 20
copies of this book.
~talks to her sister-in-law almost daily, double trouble.
~gave her whole heart to another and it was the best 10 years of her life. No
regrets.
~absolutely loves sitting with a girlfriend having coffee, talking.
~hopes she can find Joy again.
~would love to read your She... list and know you better.

Happy Valentines Day!

It's Valentines Day. I had to post. And no I don't have a Valentine, unless you count my children. Still waiting for George Clooney to show up. I just got home from Olivia's class party at school, it was at 9:15am. Who comes up with this? First of all, we moms are barely awake. It should be a requirement to have Starbucks waiting at the door. All in favor? Say aye. And secondly, you couldn't pay me to be a teacher after feeding 24 children all that sugar for the rest of the day.

Who decided the mascot of love should be a chubby dude who wears a diaper with wings? Oh, and we can't forget he shoots arrows at you. This is exactly what I think about when I think of love. I am not anti-Valentines day. I actually miss my Valentine very much. I am just wondering who decided Cupid should represent this special day. I vote we have a mascot change. First order of change, drop the diaper!

"Love, love, love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need." One of my favorite Beatles songs. Good, good stuff. Thankfully our truest Valentine doesn't look like Cupid and is all about LOVE everyday. And if you don't have a valentine on this made-up holiday it's okay. Because Jesus, the Ultimate Valentine, is there for you every single day. Not just today. And He might not have roses and chocolates but what He offers will last forever. I know for a fact George Clooney cannot even come close to that.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

What's In Your Fridge?

You know it's time to clean the fridge when your parents are coming for a visit. I mean really, who does this on a regular basis? Not me. You read my last post, right? I am a messy by nature so the last thing I want to touch is the fridge. Besides, it's my way of staying in school. Ode to the Science Class. I have so many science projects going on in there, I can't even keep them all straight.

I am the kind of person who dry-heaves just from opening the container and even getting a little whiff of what's inside. So, I have learned a lesson. It may not be budget-friendly but unless it's in one of my nice plastic containers, I just toss it right into the trash. Why throw-up when you don't need to? Unless you have a few pounds to lose. Kidding.

The truth is my father is not capable of throwing food away. He is known around the family as The Finisher. He will dig through the fridge and eat what's in there. And I have visions of him coming to me and saying, "I just finished off that pot roast." My horror response would be, "I don't have any pot roast." So you see why it's imperative I clean out the fridge. It's not only to impress my parents but to save a life. My dad's. Can you imagine if I killed my children's grandpa while he was visiting from a year old science project in my fridge? I'm sure we'd make the news.

Well, off I go. I only have two days to get this done. There's a lot of stuff growing in there. Who wants to come over for dinner? Hee Hee.

You Can't Come In!

Thought I'd give you a peek into my corner of the world. At this very moment. Being real, as you know I am, I have been in a pit as of late. Really what this means is I'm struggling with some depression again. This isn't new for me but it's been awhile. If you haven't dealt with depression, lucky you. I thought I'd share some of the lighter, funnier side of it.

First, my home is unrecognizable right now. I am very picky as to who gets in. "It can't be that bad," you say. Well, it's January 26th and my Christmas tree is still up, ornaments and all. Why? I just don't have it in me to take it down. I keep thinking, if it's still up by Valentines Day then I'll just hang red hearts all over it. Easter...eggs. You get the picture?

Imagine the worst teenager's bedroom. My bedroom looks even messier. I've decided if you do come into my house, you'll have to sign a consent form. You cannot talk about what you see or take pictures or ever speak of it again. When you are in a pit, this is what happens. If things don't improve soon, you may see me on one of these "Hoarding: Buried Alive" shows.

There are piles of clean clothes in the leather recliner and I just keep adding to the stack. When the kids need something to wear, I tell them to dig through that pile. It's all very sad actually so I can't really harp on my kids to pick up their rooms when mine looks like a bomb went off in it. Sort of hypocritical.

Forgetfulness is a reality when you are deep in a pit. Last night I put my dog in her crate at 10pm and I normally let her out in the morning. Poor Abby. I forgot about her this morning. I found her at 2pm still in her crate. Bless her heart. That's not all. Today has been tough. I broke my garage door (again) this morning. I was warming up the car to take the boys to the bus stop and then I pushed the button to open the garage. But it was already open, smash! Right on top of my van. Wait until I tell my father-in-law, he had to fix it the last time I did something stupid.

The worst of it is...come close so I can whisper this. I just invited some family members to come stay at my house this weekend and even offered to host a birthday celebration event. I have exactly two whole days to clean the whole thing up! Oh dear. What a predicament. Where is Cat in the Hat when you need him? And Thing One and Thing Two?

So the question is. Do I leave the tree up or have my relatives help me take it down? My dear sister-in-law Jodi is coming to the rescue on Friday and helping me whip this house into shape. SHE will sign a consent, she just doesn't know it yet. So glad God is all about grace. I am needing extra doses of it. Along with my own garage door company!

Wrestling with God.....it's about time.

I told you, I'm not a fluff and stuff person. If you want to read about fashion and who's in, check out Perez Hilton. Things might start getting bumpy. I had to make a decision; I can write about where I'm at or take a hiatus. Here I am.

You see I have been running away from God for quite awhile. Not a great thing to admit when you're a Christian. For me, He stopped being safe when Jeff Wenzel went to heaven. I haven't verbalized this until recently and I am as transparent as they come and I am done pretending. So you might ask, "How is all that working out for you?" Not so good. Not so good.

I have been a Christian since I was six years old so I know all the "Christian" things to say. You might even be thinking some of them right now. "Oh, God isn't safe but He is good." "God knows best and Jeff is with Jesus." "God made you and knows everything about you and you can trust Him, He loves you." "God has a plan for your life." I even know the verses. Truth is, unless you have lost a spouse or child or someone this close, you really can't understand how this feels. It is indescribable.

When I look over my whole life, besides my kids, Jeff Wenzel was the best part of my life. Hands down. If you'll indulge me a minute. It's like my life really didn't start until he got there. He showed me so many things. He was infectious, life of the party, always wanted to do something crazy. I was always trying to talk him out of it. That rarely happened.

For example; I am 8 months pregnant with Olivia on a double "first" date with his cousin Jennifer and now husband Adam in downtown Wichita. I just need to use a restroom, that's it. Seems simple. It always starts off like this with Jeff. We stop in at the Broadview Hotel to use the bathroom and the next thing you know we are crashing "Mr. B.'s 40th Private Birthday Party."

Jeff gets us in. Next thing you know, he and I are on the dance floor and we are the only white people at the party (and I am hugely pregnant). But Jeff has more soul in his dancing than most there. He is jigging it up. Soon Mr. B himself comes over to greets us and invites us to eat. Jennifer and Adam are sitting down at a table not sure what to do. Ends up Jeff knows some people there. He always knows someone somewhere. This is our entire life. Never ever boring. He can't even die in a boring way. I miss everything about him. It's like the life of the party has left and I have no idea what to do now.

What is certain is that I have not been willing to admit that I might be angry at God. Christians aren't supposed to be angry at God. It's just been easier to ignore Him. But my pastor in Phoenix, John Lynch, posted a status just before Christmas that really prompted my heart to address my feelings toward God. He doesn't even realize it. This is what he posted:

To all those gamely, bravely attempting to face this season with grace and joy, but just holding on because of sadness, grief, or estrangement--He walks this day with you. His hands are in his pockets strolling next to you, every now and then commenting, "you're exactly where I want to be today, I'm not going anywhere." You're not missing out. You're His center during this season. Merry Christmas. John Lynch

I wrote " Can He be carrying me? Or giving me a piggy back ride?"

John wrote "Reneene-Yes, my friend. He can carry you. But not before you take long strolls together, bundled up, with Him, glancing over to you and smiling. Then He can carry you back home if you like."

Flood gates of tears let loose when I read this. Because I knew I hadn't even stepped in the general vicinity of Jesus let alone bundled up with Him in a blanket. No long strolls here. No gazing. I have been running as far away as possible from the creator of the universe. I was having a hard time imagining a Hallmark Heavenly moment.

What's the saying? The first step is admitting you have a problem. I guess you could say I have lost my Joy. But I am willing and wanting and ready to go seeking it out. I know the only place it can be found is in the one place I haven't wanted to go.

I am going to wrestle with God this year. Whatever it takes to live the life He intended for me. And like it or not, that life is without the coolest guy I ever knew. Please pray for me to see Jesus. It's been so long.

Character

Ah, the awkwardness of being in 5th grade and having to ballroom dance with a girl. The entire middle school years are really a drag. Anyone else agree? Sadly, I have very damaging memories from those years (late bloomer). Kids were just plain cruel. Why is this? Still true today.

Waiting for the bus with my son discussing the impending "Ballroom Dance Nightmare" for this afternoon, I am sad that things haven't changed much. He is dreading today because the girls get to choose the boys for dancing. And none of the boys want this one particular girl. And he barrels off about 10 reasons. And it makes me sad. For her. For me. Brings back memories. Makes me sad that my son is one of those boys.

We talk about character. And he says, "Mom, no kids talk about character." We just watched the movie "Flipped," (great movie, rent it) and it talks about people being more or less than the sum of their parts. I remind him of this. I ask him if he is more than the sum of his parts? How does this girl feel knowing no one wants to dance with her?

He says his good friend Braden will, he doesn't mind it. That he danced with her last time. I say, "His mother has raised him well." I am trying to get into my son's head because I want him see that God made this girl. She is a Child of God. There is nothing wrong with her.

And then he says it. He says, "Mom, I'm sorry but I just want to be cool." And don't we all? The world is telling us this everyday. We have to be cool, look good, be rich, have fast cars, know the right people, blah, blah, blah..... And it's all a lie. And our kids are believing it and so then this not-so-pretty-on-outside-girl gets shoved aside.

I tell him when we get to heaven and stand before God, He doesn't care if we were cool. He cares if we were kind. Were we kind to one another. Even to the unlovely. I am praying today if this precious little girl chooses my son to dance that he will be kind.

Cool is so changing and superficial and not lasting. The bible says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32