I told you, I'm not a fluff and stuff person. If you want to read about fashion and who's in, check out Perez Hilton. Things might start getting bumpy. I had to make a decision; I can write about where I'm at or take a hiatus. Here I am.
You see I have been running away from God for quite awhile. Not a great thing to admit when you're a Christian. For me, He stopped being safe when Jeff Wenzel went to heaven. I haven't verbalized this until recently and I am as transparent as they come and I am done pretending. So you might ask, "How is all that working out for you?" Not so good. Not so good.
I have been a Christian since I was six years old so I know all the "Christian" things to say. You might even be thinking some of them right now. "Oh, God isn't safe but He is good." "God knows best and Jeff is with Jesus." "God made you and knows everything about you and you can trust Him, He loves you." "God has a plan for your life." I even know the verses. Truth is, unless you have lost a spouse or child or someone this close, you really can't understand how this feels. It is indescribable.
When I look over my whole life, besides my kids, Jeff Wenzel was the best part of my life. Hands down. If you'll indulge me a minute. It's like my life really didn't start until he got there. He showed me so many things. He was infectious, life of the party, always wanted to do something crazy. I was always trying to talk him out of it. That rarely happened.
For example; I am 8 months pregnant with Olivia on a double "first" date with his cousin Jennifer and now husband Adam in downtown Wichita. I just need to use a restroom, that's it. Seems simple. It always starts off like this with Jeff. We stop in at the Broadview Hotel to use the bathroom and the next thing you know we are crashing "Mr. B.'s 40th Private Birthday Party."
Jeff gets us in. Next thing you know, he and I are on the dance floor and we are the only white people at the party (and I am hugely pregnant). But Jeff has more soul in his dancing than most there. He is jigging it up. Soon Mr. B himself comes over to greets us and invites us to eat. Jennifer and Adam are sitting down at a table not sure what to do. Ends up Jeff knows some people there. He always knows someone somewhere. This is our entire life. Never ever boring. He can't even die in a boring way. I miss everything about him. It's like the life of the party has left and I have no idea what to do now.
What is certain is that I have not been willing to admit that I might be angry at God. Christians aren't supposed to be angry at God. It's just been easier to ignore Him. But my pastor in Phoenix, John Lynch, posted a status just before Christmas that really prompted my heart to address my feelings toward God. He doesn't even realize it. This is what he posted:
To all those gamely, bravely attempting to face this season with grace and joy, but just holding on because of sadness, grief, or estrangement--He walks this day with you. His hands are in his pockets strolling next to you, every now and then commenting, "you're exactly where I want to be today, I'm not going anywhere." You're not missing out. You're His center during this season. Merry Christmas. John Lynch
I wrote " Can He be carrying me? Or giving me a piggy back ride?"
John wrote "Reneene-Yes, my friend. He can carry you. But not before you take long strolls together, bundled up, with Him, glancing over to you and smiling. Then He can carry you back home if you like."
Flood gates of tears let loose when I read this. Because I knew I hadn't even stepped in the general vicinity of Jesus let alone bundled up with Him in a blanket. No long strolls here. No gazing. I have been running as far away as possible from the creator of the universe. I was having a hard time imagining a Hallmark Heavenly moment.
What's the saying? The first step is admitting you have a problem. I guess you could say I have lost my Joy. But I am willing and wanting and ready to go seeking it out. I know the only place it can be found is in the one place I haven't wanted to go.
I am going to wrestle with God this year. Whatever it takes to live the life He intended for me. And like it or not, that life is without the coolest guy I ever knew. Please pray for me to see Jesus. It's been so long.
4 comments:
Praying for you Reneene. Your post made me think that my husband is a lot like Jeff as far as "life of the party" goes...and your post is what I needed to remember not to take him for granted. Praying God will fullfill you life once again!!!!
:) Paige Ryan
Thank you for your honesty Reneene, I will be praying that as you wrestle the Lord will be so close you cannot miss Him!
You are loved
Mary James
Hey - I'm proud of you for admitting your needs - now we can all pray. Just one thought: I think it's okay to be angry with God. He's a great big God, He can handle it. What's wrong is to STAY angry with Him. Otherwise, He wouldn't have said, "In your anger, do not sin." You've taken the first step away from that anger, so you're on the right track. Love you lots!
I can totally relate to your blog. I have felt the same way since my husband died. Dead inside. I did not want to hear the Christian platitudes. I decided this year I would start connecting with others. Though I thought I had over these past eight years the truth is I guess there was a part of my spirit. The part that once led with optimism and joy is having a hard time being resuscitated I believe each soul has it's own journey. I believe in the mystery of GOD. My daily mantra is be here right now. In the moment connected and it is my hope that moment by moment life unfolds and God is there in the moment. And, I hope the parts of my husband that I miss so much appear in new friendships or in myself. And, I know there is a road in my heart I can always go down and i miss him like crazy. And, just want him back And, I can hate God or love GOD or both.
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