I can't be the only one who gets a little down this time of year. Why not blog about it? Humor seems to help. Here's some Dont's and a few Do's this Christmas season. Most I have learned the hard way!
DON'T! Watch "The Christmas Shoes" movie if you're already sad. This is not helpful. The song alone is a complete tearjerker. This one I did last night. BIG mistake.
DO! Watch "The Office" immediately following any sad movie. Last night Michael Scott saved a life (his own). He was thinking about jumping off the roof of his office building but was talked down by his co-workers. He took credit for saving his own life. I sure needed that laugh. LAUGH, it's good for the soul.
DON'T! In a weak moment, eat the king-size Hersey Bar in an old fashioned wrapper that you purchased for your mother-in-law for Christmas (from Cracker Barrel). Sorry JoAnne. Because you don't have any other chocolate in the house.
DO! Always have chocolate in the house. Duh.
DON'T! When you aren't feeling well, watch a marathon of "House" because when the doorbell rings you think Hugh Laurie might be at your door.
DO! Turn off the TV. Take a bath. Read. Sleep.
DON'T! Get all weird and hide out in your house. Don't be afraid to call a friend and say, "I'm sad and really missing_____." Who cares how long it's been? When I am 90 years old, I am still going to miss Jeff Wenzel, love of my life, daddy to my kids. I really need to take my own advice here. I am becoming a hermit this week.
DO! Pick up the phone.
DON'T! Be afraid to ask for help. I feel like I am always needing help. And it stinks. But people want to help; we just need to tell them. With our mouth. Without pride. We must set it aside. We all just need each other. Some more than others. And that's okay.
Do! Let people in. It's biblical for others to serve each other. Sometime we serve them and sometimes they serve us.
DON'T! Be so wrapped up in your own Christmas festivities and Jolly Good Time that you miss the person near you who might be struggling this year. Not everyone is happy this time of year. Others have lost someone. Others have lost a job. Others are going through a divorce. Others are struggling financially. Fill in the blank ____________.
DO! Look around and see if someone needs you. They might not have the courage to say so. You might be aware because God has led your heart. Because you were listening to His voice. How brave of you.
DON'T! Be afraid to say the name of the person who has gone to heaven. I sure know I love to hear it. I don't want my kids to ever forget their dad. Maybe send a card to a family member telling them you are thinking of them. Just something saying this person has not been forgotten.
DO! Give extra hugs and kisses to your loved ones. You never know how many days you have. Each one is a blessing. Be grateful for your spouse. Treat them with respect. They are a gift.
I may have to read these words often this month. Moments feel heavy and days feel long. But Jesus has always been the reason we celebrate Christmas. Not all the sparkly lights and presents. I will try to keep my eyes on Him. If you too are grieving this Christmas, I pray He can lighten your load. Always with Hope.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Turkey Confessions
It's the eve of Thanksgiving and I've got a confession. I'm 45 years old and I've never cooked a turkey. There I've said it out loud. Rather embarrassing wouldn't you say? Truth is I'm not a very good cook. I just don't know what I'm doing. I look at the food and nothing comes to me. Just before I started blogging I was preparing my "Thanksgiving Food Item" which I bring every year. A veggie tray. Yes, that's right, I can cut up veggies. And I'm only 45 years old. My dear Olivia walked into the kitchen about an hour ago and asked me if I have ever put my entire hand inside a chicken's bottom. I said without hesitation, "No, I have not."
I also bring Sweet Potatoes (my grandmother's recipe) which is from a can but Please, oh Please don't ask me to make the turkey. I am in awe of those who do cook. I love to watch cooking shows. Love "Top Chef."
Recently, I read a quote that I can't get out of my head (I have it taped to my fridge hoping it will rub off on me). It's by actress Jennie Garth. She has three daughters. She said, "I cook every day. If I don't cook, they don't eat. Who's going to do it? I'm their mother?" Wow. I mean she could pay someone or order the food in. But she does it herself because she's their mother. I am in awe of this. My poor kids. Hotdogs, anyone?
When I first married Jeff, he figured out early on I was no chef. I didn't even know how to cook meat. He would come home from work and ask what kind of meat had I boiled in water for dinner? Yikes. So I've come a long way, baby. I can now make a mean Salsa, scrambled eggs and Oreo Brownies.
Maybe 2011 will be the year I learn to love cooking! Or maybe I'll meat (oops! no pun intended) a wonderful man who just happens to be a world class chef! Hey, we can't be good at everything, right? So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for those God has blessed with culinary skills. For tomorrow we will eat the fruits of YOUR gifting rather than mine. Happy Thanksgiving.
I also bring Sweet Potatoes (my grandmother's recipe) which is from a can but Please, oh Please don't ask me to make the turkey. I am in awe of those who do cook. I love to watch cooking shows. Love "Top Chef."
Recently, I read a quote that I can't get out of my head (I have it taped to my fridge hoping it will rub off on me). It's by actress Jennie Garth. She has three daughters. She said, "I cook every day. If I don't cook, they don't eat. Who's going to do it? I'm their mother?" Wow. I mean she could pay someone or order the food in. But she does it herself because she's their mother. I am in awe of this. My poor kids. Hotdogs, anyone?
When I first married Jeff, he figured out early on I was no chef. I didn't even know how to cook meat. He would come home from work and ask what kind of meat had I boiled in water for dinner? Yikes. So I've come a long way, baby. I can now make a mean Salsa, scrambled eggs and Oreo Brownies.
Maybe 2011 will be the year I learn to love cooking! Or maybe I'll meat (oops! no pun intended) a wonderful man who just happens to be a world class chef! Hey, we can't be good at everything, right? So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for those God has blessed with culinary skills. For tomorrow we will eat the fruits of YOUR gifting rather than mine. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
ENOUGH!
ENOUGH! No, I'm not talking about Jennifer Lopez's 2002 movie about domestic violence, although it was a good one. I am referring the day-after-election-results blame game. It's very frustrating to see even my FB friends status's reflect this. So I'm taking it to my blog. You don't have to agree with me but it's my blog so I feel led to share.
The thing is our country is a mess because of all of us. One man cannot have caused all this. George W. Bush cannot have been responsible for all that is going wrong in our country; just as President Obama is not either. They would have to be elevated to the supreme position of "GOD" to be able to orchestrate what people are accusing them of.
WE make up this wonderful country. Those two men did not make us borrow more than we could afford on our homes, credit cards or cars. Certainly banks have their hands in all this. Many things have gone awry. As a group we have to work together to fix this. Blaming presidents seems like the silliest thing since one, they don't have that much power and two, they don't have that much power. Oh, I said that already. Hmmm.
Who's your daddy? Well, mine is not President Obama. I am not looking for a man to save me. My Father and only Savior who can fix this mess is Jesus. And I personally think that's why we are in this mess to begin with. I listened to the President's speech today and what he seemed so concerned with is that we aren't the biggest power in the universe anymore. He kept referring to China having some computer system that we didn't. And that our kids needed to be the smartest kids in the world. Why is that?
Our compass has gotten off who created us. And things all us around seem uncertain. People are out of work. Losing their homes. Don't have money to feed their kids, go to the doctor or just provide basic living expenses. And our President is concerned that China is beating us. As if we are in some contest.
I am suggesting our Father who made us only wants one thing from us. Us. I am going to make a commitment to pray for our great country which seems to be in deep trouble. Not from losing it's "Super Power Status," not from being one of the richest countries, not from being one of the smartest countries, not from being one of the biggest military powers. But losing it's "One Nation Under God" status. From moving so far away from Jesus that we aren't even allowed to mention His name without offending someone.
It's not too late, the mountain is not too big. There is always HOPE.
The thing is our country is a mess because of all of us. One man cannot have caused all this. George W. Bush cannot have been responsible for all that is going wrong in our country; just as President Obama is not either. They would have to be elevated to the supreme position of "GOD" to be able to orchestrate what people are accusing them of.
WE make up this wonderful country. Those two men did not make us borrow more than we could afford on our homes, credit cards or cars. Certainly banks have their hands in all this. Many things have gone awry. As a group we have to work together to fix this. Blaming presidents seems like the silliest thing since one, they don't have that much power and two, they don't have that much power. Oh, I said that already. Hmmm.
Who's your daddy? Well, mine is not President Obama. I am not looking for a man to save me. My Father and only Savior who can fix this mess is Jesus. And I personally think that's why we are in this mess to begin with. I listened to the President's speech today and what he seemed so concerned with is that we aren't the biggest power in the universe anymore. He kept referring to China having some computer system that we didn't. And that our kids needed to be the smartest kids in the world. Why is that?
Our compass has gotten off who created us. And things all us around seem uncertain. People are out of work. Losing their homes. Don't have money to feed their kids, go to the doctor or just provide basic living expenses. And our President is concerned that China is beating us. As if we are in some contest.
I am suggesting our Father who made us only wants one thing from us. Us. I am going to make a commitment to pray for our great country which seems to be in deep trouble. Not from losing it's "Super Power Status," not from being one of the richest countries, not from being one of the smartest countries, not from being one of the biggest military powers. But losing it's "One Nation Under God" status. From moving so far away from Jesus that we aren't even allowed to mention His name without offending someone.
It's not too late, the mountain is not too big. There is always HOPE.
Monday, November 1, 2010
An Old Lady On A Bus
I was fortunate and had a good marriage before becoming a widow about 3 1/2 years ago. Of course, this was not my plan. I'm still pretty sore about it but as you know; my opinion wasn't requested in the matter. So here I sit, a middle-aged, graying, wobbly-bits gal with three kids wondering why the knight-in-shining armour on a white horse had to leave so soon. And you can be certain another one like him won't be coming around too soon. Things have changed a bit since I first met Jeff Wenzel in 1995. He was such a "stud" (they don't use that word anymore, I'm sure) and I wasn't too bad looking either. I'm beginning to see I don't have "it" anymore when I look around the general vicinity of me. I know I wear the dreaded "mom" jeans. I thought "let's get a little more with it." I headed to Maurice's for some of these Blingy jeans and the sweetest girl tried her hardest to help me. It was almost as bad as trying on bathing suits. I left in my good, comfortable jeans with no purchase convinced there must be something wrong with my body. Oh well.
I just don't want to start all over with this body at this age with love. It just doesn't seem to fit right. Like those jeans. But God sometimes has plans for us that we don't understand. I am trying to be open to His ways. But I feel like an old lady on a bus. Let me explain. I love to watch "The Office." I know it's disturbingly funny. Anyway. Michael Scott (the main character) demands his employees provide a name of a prospective woman for him to date within the hour or they will be fired. I told you it was disturbing. He of course thinks he should be with a supermodel (what guy doesn't) so he is irritated to meet a woman at a coffee shop who is rather plain. After spending time with her, he thanks her and says, "This has been nice, talking with you is like talking to an old lady on a bus." Of course he meant this as a compliment, she said he was rude.
For some reason I feel like that now. Not that I used to be a supermodel. But I was to Jeff. You know the bible talks about marrying the wife of your youth and then you grow old together. Oh, I wanted that whole dream. The country song and everything, rocking chairs, gray hairs, she can hardly sweep the floor. That's what I signed up for. NOT.....body parts heading south, graying, bulging, going blind and wondering if someone is just going to think I'm an old lady on a bus. God must have a sense of humor! If Michael Scott is still available, I think I look a little better than the gal at the coffee shop.
I just don't want to start all over with this body at this age with love. It just doesn't seem to fit right. Like those jeans. But God sometimes has plans for us that we don't understand. I am trying to be open to His ways. But I feel like an old lady on a bus. Let me explain. I love to watch "The Office." I know it's disturbingly funny. Anyway. Michael Scott (the main character) demands his employees provide a name of a prospective woman for him to date within the hour or they will be fired. I told you it was disturbing. He of course thinks he should be with a supermodel (what guy doesn't) so he is irritated to meet a woman at a coffee shop who is rather plain. After spending time with her, he thanks her and says, "This has been nice, talking with you is like talking to an old lady on a bus." Of course he meant this as a compliment, she said he was rude.
For some reason I feel like that now. Not that I used to be a supermodel. But I was to Jeff. You know the bible talks about marrying the wife of your youth and then you grow old together. Oh, I wanted that whole dream. The country song and everything, rocking chairs, gray hairs, she can hardly sweep the floor. That's what I signed up for. NOT.....body parts heading south, graying, bulging, going blind and wondering if someone is just going to think I'm an old lady on a bus. God must have a sense of humor! If Michael Scott is still available, I think I look a little better than the gal at the coffee shop.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My Hoopla Sisters
My goodness, it's been over a month since I posted on here. Something major must have happened in my life. Oh yes, I started a job. Sorry about that. Tired girl is not a good base for a blog. In case you're wondering, I really like my job. I like the people. I like the environment. It's a good thing for me to interact with adults again, to use my brain. I am thankful.
Friends. I am going to tell you about my dearest friends. I call them my Hoopla Sisters. Linda, Stacey and Tobi (and Debbie who lives in Phoenix, whom I have known since 6th grade is an Honorary Hoopla). These girls have walked through the fire with me. Why are they called my Hoopla Sisters? You read my testimony so you know what Jesus brought me through. For the one year anniversary I wanted to mark the date with a special weekend with these three friends as they had been through so much with me. I made invitations for them to "Reneene's Healing Hoopla" weekend. We stayed at a hotel and I got to thank them for all they had done. We took salsa dance lessons, had pedicures, saw "Hairspray" at the movies. It was a great time. Anyway from that day on, they became my Hoopla Sisters.
One of them would call and my kids confusingly would say, "Mom, your Hobo Sister is on the phone." or "Your Poopla Sister is on the phone." Anyway the name has stuck.
Oh, we started out as regular friends. Nothing heavy. Well, one of them did date my husband. But then the running joke has always been, who in Wichita hasn't dated Jeff Wenzel? He had to go to Arizona to find a wife. Ha ha. He didn't seem freaked out that she and I became instant heart friends. It's like we were meant to be together, we have such similar childhood stories. What would I do without her wisdom and counsel? She knows exactly what to say to me. She always ask the hard questions that you don't want to answer. I just love her.
Another hoopla sister is a neighbor. She and I are like Lucy and Ethel. Left to our own accord, I'm sure we could get into some trouble. We are the kind of friends who could talk 5 times day and there would still be stuff to talk about. We both have fumbled our way through being home with our kids. It's like we were made the same. I always call her for advice, about anything.
And finally the peaceful one. We all need a friend who you know exactly how she is going to react. I can be a bit high strung but she is as calm as a cucumber. When I when to Phoenix to speak and share my testimony, this is the girl who came. I knew she would be able to keep me level headed. But man is she funny, she has this dry sense of humor that you would never expect.
Oh, we started out as regular friends. We liked being with each other when we could get away. And then they were put to the test on April 1, 2003. Brain tumor. Things were moved up to a new level in the friendship chain. These girls would walk through fire for me. I say this with certainty because they have already done so.
Do you have friends on this level? I am so blessed and know they are gifts from God. They never backed up. They are STRONG women. They have held up my arms when I could not hold them up. They have reminded me who I am in Christ when I have forgotten. They showed up at the Psych. hospital when I was overwhelmed with shame. They have listened to all my deepest fears, longings, wishes, questions, frustrations and any other emotion you can think of. They have sat at the ER on many occasions to treat a migraine. They have held me as I have cried buckets of tears. They were there the day my husband died and they were there the day we gave him back to Jesus.
Years later, they remain my tight circle who I reach out to for counsel, advice and they are my voices of reason. I trust them completely with my life. My children. My heart. My future. They have proven to be the kind of friends that Jesus talks about we should be, one who lays down his life for his friend. They have done that for me. I love them. I could not have gotten through what Jesus had put in front of me without them.
This is dedicated to my dear Hoopla Sisters.
Friends. I am going to tell you about my dearest friends. I call them my Hoopla Sisters. Linda, Stacey and Tobi (and Debbie who lives in Phoenix, whom I have known since 6th grade is an Honorary Hoopla). These girls have walked through the fire with me. Why are they called my Hoopla Sisters? You read my testimony so you know what Jesus brought me through. For the one year anniversary I wanted to mark the date with a special weekend with these three friends as they had been through so much with me. I made invitations for them to "Reneene's Healing Hoopla" weekend. We stayed at a hotel and I got to thank them for all they had done. We took salsa dance lessons, had pedicures, saw "Hairspray" at the movies. It was a great time. Anyway from that day on, they became my Hoopla Sisters.
One of them would call and my kids confusingly would say, "Mom, your Hobo Sister is on the phone." or "Your Poopla Sister is on the phone." Anyway the name has stuck.
Oh, we started out as regular friends. Nothing heavy. Well, one of them did date my husband. But then the running joke has always been, who in Wichita hasn't dated Jeff Wenzel? He had to go to Arizona to find a wife. Ha ha. He didn't seem freaked out that she and I became instant heart friends. It's like we were meant to be together, we have such similar childhood stories. What would I do without her wisdom and counsel? She knows exactly what to say to me. She always ask the hard questions that you don't want to answer. I just love her.
Another hoopla sister is a neighbor. She and I are like Lucy and Ethel. Left to our own accord, I'm sure we could get into some trouble. We are the kind of friends who could talk 5 times day and there would still be stuff to talk about. We both have fumbled our way through being home with our kids. It's like we were made the same. I always call her for advice, about anything.
And finally the peaceful one. We all need a friend who you know exactly how she is going to react. I can be a bit high strung but she is as calm as a cucumber. When I when to Phoenix to speak and share my testimony, this is the girl who came. I knew she would be able to keep me level headed. But man is she funny, she has this dry sense of humor that you would never expect.
Oh, we started out as regular friends. We liked being with each other when we could get away. And then they were put to the test on April 1, 2003. Brain tumor. Things were moved up to a new level in the friendship chain. These girls would walk through fire for me. I say this with certainty because they have already done so.
Do you have friends on this level? I am so blessed and know they are gifts from God. They never backed up. They are STRONG women. They have held up my arms when I could not hold them up. They have reminded me who I am in Christ when I have forgotten. They showed up at the Psych. hospital when I was overwhelmed with shame. They have listened to all my deepest fears, longings, wishes, questions, frustrations and any other emotion you can think of. They have sat at the ER on many occasions to treat a migraine. They have held me as I have cried buckets of tears. They were there the day my husband died and they were there the day we gave him back to Jesus.
Years later, they remain my tight circle who I reach out to for counsel, advice and they are my voices of reason. I trust them completely with my life. My children. My heart. My future. They have proven to be the kind of friends that Jesus talks about we should be, one who lays down his life for his friend. They have done that for me. I love them. I could not have gotten through what Jesus had put in front of me without them.
This is dedicated to my dear Hoopla Sisters.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Working Girl
Well, it's official. I'm old. What the heck happened since I decided to stay home and be a mom. I guess that was over 12 years ago. Did we move into the fast lane since I left? And how come everyone looks young enough to be my son? Well, not quite but almost. Oh dear. Am I ready for this? The real question is...are they ready for me? It doesn't look good... so far I've needed a nap everyday and I'm only working 9-3. Yesterday, I woke from my nap about 4:45pm and realized there were still people at the office working and I thought, "Oh my goodness, how are they doing this everyday?" I think they are secretly drinking some special concoction that I will get on week 2 if I survive week 1. I'll let you know.
Who knows what my blog entries will look like now. Maybe something like this. akjle eiraskl dkiet kjsoe jmekl tyere kseinsl. Good stuff! I will try to write them only when I've had adequate sleep or at least a good caffeine jolt. For sure God has been gracious to me this week. I have alluded the ever present migraine and I know it's all due to His mercy. This girl is very thankful. Keep the prayers coming. You must be praying. There is no other explanation.
You haven't been praying for the magic fairy maid though. My house is a complete disaster. Each day I arrive home thinking someone may have broke in while I was gone and cleaned the whole place up but not so. It actually looks like someone came in and made it worse. In heaven, I will have a clean bedroom, I promise (I can see Jeff smiling right now). I will not be a messy. The bible says we will have new bodies. I have decided my new body will be "clean freak" oriented. At least that's my prayer.
Off to football practice. But I had to write. Can't leave you all hanging as there are still those words in my head that need to get out. Open for tips to my new spot....Working Girl in 2010 but No Longer 20!
Who knows what my blog entries will look like now. Maybe something like this. akjle eiraskl dkiet kjsoe jmekl tyere kseinsl. Good stuff! I will try to write them only when I've had adequate sleep or at least a good caffeine jolt. For sure God has been gracious to me this week. I have alluded the ever present migraine and I know it's all due to His mercy. This girl is very thankful. Keep the prayers coming. You must be praying. There is no other explanation.
You haven't been praying for the magic fairy maid though. My house is a complete disaster. Each day I arrive home thinking someone may have broke in while I was gone and cleaned the whole place up but not so. It actually looks like someone came in and made it worse. In heaven, I will have a clean bedroom, I promise (I can see Jeff smiling right now). I will not be a messy. The bible says we will have new bodies. I have decided my new body will be "clean freak" oriented. At least that's my prayer.
Off to football practice. But I had to write. Can't leave you all hanging as there are still those words in my head that need to get out. Open for tips to my new spot....Working Girl in 2010 but No Longer 20!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Football...ready to rumble!
On a lighter note. Sort of. I love football. I probably should've been a man, I feel like it at times with the regular upper hair lip waxings! TMI? Sorry. Anyway back to football. I believe in mercy in every arena except football. No Mercy. There's something really great about it. Love to watch it, wish at times I was a boy and could play it. I am at Ben's practice three times a week for two hours and thoroughly enjoy watching him practice. Many parents drop the kids and leave but a few of us stay. I do because I really like to watch. It's not a sport for the faint of heart. There's no crying in football. Only the tough survive. Rough and tough. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you can't handle it then there's always golf. You have to be able to hit and be hit.
Last night we scrimmaged another 5th grade team and it was rather comical. They are a new team and maybe have not played before but I'm a girl and I know if you have the ball you aren't supposed to slide to the ground to keep from being tackled. This isn't baseball. Or instead of getting tackled grab a hold of someone on the other team and pull them to the ground on top of you. This could be a long year for them.
What I love second to football is the relationships formed with the other parents. They become extended family for about 4 months of the year and you really get to know their hearts, struggles, joys, devastations and who they are. I love this. I am a people person. I love how we are drawn by football; a rowdy, contact sport and at the same time 5 moms can sit there with our chairs and share our struggles with our kids, spouses, heartaches, etc....
There are fun times too. Earlier in the week we had quite a lively practice arguing over whether "unbox" was a word or not. Moms said no, Dads said yes. Finally, a mom at home looked it up and those stinky boys won. We still have not heard the end of this. Laughter is the best. God is so good how He gave us each other to walk through life together. I love that the most.
Whether you are hitting someone on the field, watching from the side lines, coaching, running kids around, working, whatever you are doing. Don't miss interacting with the person right next to you. Strike up a conversation. Lighthearted or deep. Funny or serious. They may need you for something or you may need them. One thing is for sure, we all need each other. It's the way God made us and I am so thankful for it. See you on the football field of life!
Last night we scrimmaged another 5th grade team and it was rather comical. They are a new team and maybe have not played before but I'm a girl and I know if you have the ball you aren't supposed to slide to the ground to keep from being tackled. This isn't baseball. Or instead of getting tackled grab a hold of someone on the other team and pull them to the ground on top of you. This could be a long year for them.
What I love second to football is the relationships formed with the other parents. They become extended family for about 4 months of the year and you really get to know their hearts, struggles, joys, devastations and who they are. I love this. I am a people person. I love how we are drawn by football; a rowdy, contact sport and at the same time 5 moms can sit there with our chairs and share our struggles with our kids, spouses, heartaches, etc....
There are fun times too. Earlier in the week we had quite a lively practice arguing over whether "unbox" was a word or not. Moms said no, Dads said yes. Finally, a mom at home looked it up and those stinky boys won. We still have not heard the end of this. Laughter is the best. God is so good how He gave us each other to walk through life together. I love that the most.
Whether you are hitting someone on the field, watching from the side lines, coaching, running kids around, working, whatever you are doing. Don't miss interacting with the person right next to you. Strike up a conversation. Lighthearted or deep. Funny or serious. They may need you for something or you may need them. One thing is for sure, we all need each other. It's the way God made us and I am so thankful for it. See you on the football field of life!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My Beautiful, Messy Story
All around me I see piles of stuff. Papers, clothes, clutter...all calling my name. I know I need to be doing about 10 other things but my heart is telling me to write my story. Write it before I change my mind. It's a scary thing to share who we really are without Jesus. Who are you without Him? I know I wouldn't be sitting here if He didn't save my life in July 2006. This is my story.
I have to give you some background on my view of God before even going into brain cancer because it's important. I will only share a few relevant details, I could probably write a book, my childhood was pretty eventful. I will say, when I was five years old my mom left and did not come back. She left my brother, sister and I. I believe this began an internal fear/anxiety inside my heart. My dad remarried my mom who raised me and she had two kids. We went to church and I was saved at the age of six. I have no interest in disparaging my parents. I will say what was being taught at church was not matching up to what was happening at home and this was very difficult and confusing for me. Love was deeply needed but very much missing.
Being the late bloomer that I was, I didn't have my first date until 19. The first guy that came along, I literally grabbed a hold of for dear life. We married on my 20th birthday. Not a healthy marriage, I had no idea what I was doing. I was surprised when he didn't want to be married anymore and yet I wasn't. I believed people didn't stick around, real love didn't exist; I had never seen it. This just confirmed it even more.
During my separation I met Peggy and she re-introduced me to Jesus. It was like a light went on for me. I learned how to trust Him with my life. And I was so amazed that He would have someone like Jeff Wenzel for me. Here I had screwed up and I figured I would have to settle for "leftovers" (lies we tell ourselves) but no siree! Jeff was my list, I had secretly written what I wanted in a second husband. I even wanted a guy who could dance and man, could he dance!
We got married and began having kids. I need to tell you that I have a 23 year history with migraine headaches and am very comfortable taking medication. I am the first person to reach for taking something when I am sick or ill. I also have never slept well, my entire life. Sleep eludes me. I believe this has to do with my mom leaving, this is just my own hunch. But this is relevant to my story.
Being a mom did not come naturally for me. I struggled with it. When I first had Joseph I was overwhelmed with emotion regarding my mom leaving. I struggled to understand how she could leave her children. With each child born I became more overwhelmed as a parent. I could hear the enemy whispering to me, "You're just like her, you can't handle this." "You're going to walk away too, it's hereditary." After three kids, both Jeff and I knew I was barely coping as a mom.
When Olivia was 18 months, on April 1, 2003, they found a brain tumor the size of a cigarette pack on Jeff's right frontal lobe. Now, in my mind, deep inside my core I was always expecting the next shoe to drop where God was concerned. I still just didn't believe that He was truly good. All my junk was still looming around, not fully dealt with. Migraines, sleep issues, anxiety, parenting, is God really good and now let's throw in some brain cancer. Good times.
So we begin our 4-year battle with this disease because as far as I could see there was never a Door Number 2 to go through. Unless we just missed it. Ha Ha. Life just changed course and everything became about trying to save my sweet husband's life. Day in and day out. Even if we had a good day and we never said the words "brain cancer," they were always on our mind. I was always thinking, "Is the tumor growing back?" After all, the doctors had said, there is no cure for brain cancer. It wasn't a matter of if the tumor comes back but when.
Those of you who walked through the four years with us, know it was roller coaster ride and not a "It's A Small World" ride. Any moment with Jeff Wenzel was an adventure you would always remember, even brain cancer. By year three, it was taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I will not go into the loop-de-loop that Jeff had just brought me on before what I'm going to tell you. Suffice it say it was his biggest yet.
Between March and May 2006 Jeff's tumor had tripled in size. Things were grim. My body was shutting down from the stress. I was down to 100 lbs. I finally contacted my doctor and went on an anti-depressant. I probably should have went on one sooner but pride kept me from it. I was taking Ambien to sleep. Loritab for my migraines. I am a mess.
By June, I begin taking a Loritab everyday about 4pm, even though I don't have a headache. Just before all the kids come home from school/preschool. I know this is a problem since I'm not in pain. Then, I tell myself what I have is anxiety and Jeff is on anxiety medicine due to where the tumor is located. So secretly I begin taking his anxiety medication because I have got to get it together and keep up this fight. This is what I'm telling myself as I'm wasting away. Basically, I begin treating myself instead of seeking help because everyone is dealing with Jeff's cancer and expects me to be strong so I just need to stay strong. What a mess I was in.
Finally, on Wednesday, July 12, 2006, I broke down and confessed it all to Jeff. Embarrassed and ashamed are words to describe how I felt. In the afternoon, he came home and my friend and neighbor Linda came over and I confessed it to her. And then the two of them went through the house and made me give them all of my medicine. All of it, even in all the secret places. Internally, I was thinking, "Oh no, I just can't stop taking all this." I convinced Jeff to leave the Ambien (sleep medicine) because you have to wean off that. Which he did but said he would give it to me every night. But he left it sitting right there in the cabinet.
Jeff left with the boys for a baseball game and Olivia and I were home alone. I felt so many emotions. SHAME was the biggest. I want preface this with, I never once thought about ending my life. My next thoughts after he left were obviously mixed up but not suicidal. I thought, "If I could just sleep for two days, then I could keep fighting this battle with him, I'm so tired." But because I wrote Jeff a note, everything that happened changed course because of it.
I remember setting Olivia up in front of the TV with dinner. I remember writing a note. I remember taking 11 1/2 Ambien (I should have died, I am aware of this). After this it's all a blur. I remember a nurse asking me questions at the hospital but I have no idea what they were. But whatever I said, I was sent to the Psych Hospital for 5 days. Nice Testimony.
I know. I may have just changed your view of me but it is what is. I am only strong with Jesus.
But you know what, it was a gift. I needed to be there so bad. For 5 days it wasn't about Jeff, brain cancer, life and death, treatment, roller coaster rides, MRIs, people looking at us with pity, etc... It was about rest. And God knew I needed rest. And healing. And a miracle.
I didn't know at that moment but He literally healed me in that hospital. Not just saved my life but of all the stuff that I had dragged around. I was put on a new anti-depressant, one with the main side effect being weight gain (thus my large size now). But it also has a sleep aid so it's all I need to take at night for sleep. He healed me of all my anxiety issues and struggles with parenting (coping alone). I could never even sleep alone in my house, if Jeff was out of town, I always had to have a friend stay with me. It was all just taken from me.
We had a hard time in our marriage as you might imagine, Jeff was scared. He was thinking, "I might die, my wife is not stable, what is going to happen to our children." Totally valid concern. I knew I was healed but it took him awhile to believe it with his own eyes. But it was one of the best days of our entire marriage. I will remember it as long as I live.
He as sitting at our kitchen table (about 7 months before he died) and I came around the corner and he said these words to me. "I have been waiting 10 years for this woman to show up. That's why I married you, I saw glimpses of you." I replied with tears in my eyes, "I've been waiting 40 years for this woman to show up." Thank you Jesus for healing me.
Jeff died in complete peace that his wife and kids were going to be okay. What an amazing gift God gave to him! God is so patient with us and never gave up on me and all the times I never fully got it. I have counted about 7 different counseling times in my life dealing with all the junk that happened to me over my 40+ years. I walked away from every one of them, thinking how they helped some but I wasn't completely done. And what I realized is God is the ultimate healer. And He is still in the business of miracles. I am witness to one of them. I am one of them.
I would love to hear your story. I hope my blog will be a safe place for people to be real. Whatever that looks like. NO masks here. Real life is messy and not always pretty. I am praying for you today and whatever struggles you are dealing with. They are NOT too big for Him.
I have to give you some background on my view of God before even going into brain cancer because it's important. I will only share a few relevant details, I could probably write a book, my childhood was pretty eventful. I will say, when I was five years old my mom left and did not come back. She left my brother, sister and I. I believe this began an internal fear/anxiety inside my heart. My dad remarried my mom who raised me and she had two kids. We went to church and I was saved at the age of six. I have no interest in disparaging my parents. I will say what was being taught at church was not matching up to what was happening at home and this was very difficult and confusing for me. Love was deeply needed but very much missing.
Being the late bloomer that I was, I didn't have my first date until 19. The first guy that came along, I literally grabbed a hold of for dear life. We married on my 20th birthday. Not a healthy marriage, I had no idea what I was doing. I was surprised when he didn't want to be married anymore and yet I wasn't. I believed people didn't stick around, real love didn't exist; I had never seen it. This just confirmed it even more.
During my separation I met Peggy and she re-introduced me to Jesus. It was like a light went on for me. I learned how to trust Him with my life. And I was so amazed that He would have someone like Jeff Wenzel for me. Here I had screwed up and I figured I would have to settle for "leftovers" (lies we tell ourselves) but no siree! Jeff was my list, I had secretly written what I wanted in a second husband. I even wanted a guy who could dance and man, could he dance!
We got married and began having kids. I need to tell you that I have a 23 year history with migraine headaches and am very comfortable taking medication. I am the first person to reach for taking something when I am sick or ill. I also have never slept well, my entire life. Sleep eludes me. I believe this has to do with my mom leaving, this is just my own hunch. But this is relevant to my story.
Being a mom did not come naturally for me. I struggled with it. When I first had Joseph I was overwhelmed with emotion regarding my mom leaving. I struggled to understand how she could leave her children. With each child born I became more overwhelmed as a parent. I could hear the enemy whispering to me, "You're just like her, you can't handle this." "You're going to walk away too, it's hereditary." After three kids, both Jeff and I knew I was barely coping as a mom.
When Olivia was 18 months, on April 1, 2003, they found a brain tumor the size of a cigarette pack on Jeff's right frontal lobe. Now, in my mind, deep inside my core I was always expecting the next shoe to drop where God was concerned. I still just didn't believe that He was truly good. All my junk was still looming around, not fully dealt with. Migraines, sleep issues, anxiety, parenting, is God really good and now let's throw in some brain cancer. Good times.
So we begin our 4-year battle with this disease because as far as I could see there was never a Door Number 2 to go through. Unless we just missed it. Ha Ha. Life just changed course and everything became about trying to save my sweet husband's life. Day in and day out. Even if we had a good day and we never said the words "brain cancer," they were always on our mind. I was always thinking, "Is the tumor growing back?" After all, the doctors had said, there is no cure for brain cancer. It wasn't a matter of if the tumor comes back but when.
Those of you who walked through the four years with us, know it was roller coaster ride and not a "It's A Small World" ride. Any moment with Jeff Wenzel was an adventure you would always remember, even brain cancer. By year three, it was taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I will not go into the loop-de-loop that Jeff had just brought me on before what I'm going to tell you. Suffice it say it was his biggest yet.
Between March and May 2006 Jeff's tumor had tripled in size. Things were grim. My body was shutting down from the stress. I was down to 100 lbs. I finally contacted my doctor and went on an anti-depressant. I probably should have went on one sooner but pride kept me from it. I was taking Ambien to sleep. Loritab for my migraines. I am a mess.
By June, I begin taking a Loritab everyday about 4pm, even though I don't have a headache. Just before all the kids come home from school/preschool. I know this is a problem since I'm not in pain. Then, I tell myself what I have is anxiety and Jeff is on anxiety medicine due to where the tumor is located. So secretly I begin taking his anxiety medication because I have got to get it together and keep up this fight. This is what I'm telling myself as I'm wasting away. Basically, I begin treating myself instead of seeking help because everyone is dealing with Jeff's cancer and expects me to be strong so I just need to stay strong. What a mess I was in.
Finally, on Wednesday, July 12, 2006, I broke down and confessed it all to Jeff. Embarrassed and ashamed are words to describe how I felt. In the afternoon, he came home and my friend and neighbor Linda came over and I confessed it to her. And then the two of them went through the house and made me give them all of my medicine. All of it, even in all the secret places. Internally, I was thinking, "Oh no, I just can't stop taking all this." I convinced Jeff to leave the Ambien (sleep medicine) because you have to wean off that. Which he did but said he would give it to me every night. But he left it sitting right there in the cabinet.
Jeff left with the boys for a baseball game and Olivia and I were home alone. I felt so many emotions. SHAME was the biggest. I want preface this with, I never once thought about ending my life. My next thoughts after he left were obviously mixed up but not suicidal. I thought, "If I could just sleep for two days, then I could keep fighting this battle with him, I'm so tired." But because I wrote Jeff a note, everything that happened changed course because of it.
I remember setting Olivia up in front of the TV with dinner. I remember writing a note. I remember taking 11 1/2 Ambien (I should have died, I am aware of this). After this it's all a blur. I remember a nurse asking me questions at the hospital but I have no idea what they were. But whatever I said, I was sent to the Psych Hospital for 5 days. Nice Testimony.
I know. I may have just changed your view of me but it is what is. I am only strong with Jesus.
But you know what, it was a gift. I needed to be there so bad. For 5 days it wasn't about Jeff, brain cancer, life and death, treatment, roller coaster rides, MRIs, people looking at us with pity, etc... It was about rest. And God knew I needed rest. And healing. And a miracle.
I didn't know at that moment but He literally healed me in that hospital. Not just saved my life but of all the stuff that I had dragged around. I was put on a new anti-depressant, one with the main side effect being weight gain (thus my large size now). But it also has a sleep aid so it's all I need to take at night for sleep. He healed me of all my anxiety issues and struggles with parenting (coping alone). I could never even sleep alone in my house, if Jeff was out of town, I always had to have a friend stay with me. It was all just taken from me.
We had a hard time in our marriage as you might imagine, Jeff was scared. He was thinking, "I might die, my wife is not stable, what is going to happen to our children." Totally valid concern. I knew I was healed but it took him awhile to believe it with his own eyes. But it was one of the best days of our entire marriage. I will remember it as long as I live.
He as sitting at our kitchen table (about 7 months before he died) and I came around the corner and he said these words to me. "I have been waiting 10 years for this woman to show up. That's why I married you, I saw glimpses of you." I replied with tears in my eyes, "I've been waiting 40 years for this woman to show up." Thank you Jesus for healing me.
Jeff died in complete peace that his wife and kids were going to be okay. What an amazing gift God gave to him! God is so patient with us and never gave up on me and all the times I never fully got it. I have counted about 7 different counseling times in my life dealing with all the junk that happened to me over my 40+ years. I walked away from every one of them, thinking how they helped some but I wasn't completely done. And what I realized is God is the ultimate healer. And He is still in the business of miracles. I am witness to one of them. I am one of them.
I would love to hear your story. I hope my blog will be a safe place for people to be real. Whatever that looks like. NO masks here. Real life is messy and not always pretty. I am praying for you today and whatever struggles you are dealing with. They are NOT too big for Him.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My Testimony
Thank you for all your encourgaing words! Makes a girl want to press on. I start my new job on Monday so time is fleeting for me. A goal I have is to share my story with you this week. A few of you have heard my testimony but most have not. As some of you know, I traveled to Phoenix in March 2009 to share my story at Bethany Bible Church at a women's event. And again at my brother Shane's church a few days later. Many of my good friends bought tickets for the dinner/event to hear my testimony with no clue what it was about. I think most people believe Jeff had brain cancer for 4 years and I was this incredibly strong person who handled it with such grace, strength, blah, blah, blah.... Nothing could be further from the truth. So this week I will share with you how amazing God is and how we prayed for 4 years for a miracle for Jeff and for healing for Jeff. But in the end, the miracle and healing was for me. I was the miracle. Yes, of course Jeff was perfectly healed in heaven but Jesus HEALED me. Because He knew what we didn't, that Jeff would be leaving this earth and I would have the grand task of raising three children alone. And my entire life I wanted to be whole but struggled everyday with it. My only Hope was healing from Jesus. So I will share my story with you this week. The miracle was me.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Love is a gift
Well, friends. I'm not writing a book but I am writing a blog, so that's something. Baby steps. I know, I know everyone has a blog and all you need is one more to read. Please don't feel pressure to read mine. This is really me getting all the words out of my head because there are no other grown-ups in my house. I no longer want to say that facebook is my husband, as disturbing as that sounds.
As I put my third child on the school bus today, I was already prepared (which I rarely am) for a walk. Olivia drove off and I began my first moment of quiet bliss. Beautiful. Lovely. Sunny. As I walked, Norah Jones began to play on my IPOD, "Come Away With Me." And something happened in my first quiet moment, in those three minutes. It was as if Jeff was whispering in my ear, "come away with me in the night, I want to walk with you on a cloudy day in the fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high, so won't you try to come, come away with me..."
I can't begin to tell you the emotion I felt as I walked and imagined for three minutes running away with my love. Funny how after over three years, my heart longs for him. I believe God gave me the love I have for Jeff and so it will not die becasue he is gone. I am thankful for this morning because I realized that love is a gift and we should not take if for granted.
Be grateful for your spouse. I hope you are treating them as they are a gift. You might not have them tomorrow. Our pastor Terry spoke yesterday about most marriage problems can be solved by two simple things: kindness and humility. And think about that you have one of the three greatest things (faith, hope, love) in your possessions and how are you treating them?
I am fully aware of Jeff's faults and mine too. We didn't have a perfect marriage but we both just really liked being with each other. More than with anyone else.
I pray for all my friends marriages this week. Do something really great or really small for your spouse. Even if you think they don't deserve it. Remember how you used to feel when you were dating. Hey, Norah Jones is pretty romantic music, you can even borrow my cd. God is a big fan of your marriage. Me too. Blessings and thanks for coming along for the ride!
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