You Can't Come In!

Thought I'd give you a peek into my corner of the world. At this very moment. Being real, as you know I am, I have been in a pit as of late. Really what this means is I'm struggling with some depression again. This isn't new for me but it's been awhile. If you haven't dealt with depression, lucky you. I thought I'd share some of the lighter, funnier side of it.

First, my home is unrecognizable right now. I am very picky as to who gets in. "It can't be that bad," you say. Well, it's January 26th and my Christmas tree is still up, ornaments and all. Why? I just don't have it in me to take it down. I keep thinking, if it's still up by Valentines Day then I'll just hang red hearts all over it. Easter...eggs. You get the picture?

Imagine the worst teenager's bedroom. My bedroom looks even messier. I've decided if you do come into my house, you'll have to sign a consent form. You cannot talk about what you see or take pictures or ever speak of it again. When you are in a pit, this is what happens. If things don't improve soon, you may see me on one of these "Hoarding: Buried Alive" shows.

There are piles of clean clothes in the leather recliner and I just keep adding to the stack. When the kids need something to wear, I tell them to dig through that pile. It's all very sad actually so I can't really harp on my kids to pick up their rooms when mine looks like a bomb went off in it. Sort of hypocritical.

Forgetfulness is a reality when you are deep in a pit. Last night I put my dog in her crate at 10pm and I normally let her out in the morning. Poor Abby. I forgot about her this morning. I found her at 2pm still in her crate. Bless her heart. That's not all. Today has been tough. I broke my garage door (again) this morning. I was warming up the car to take the boys to the bus stop and then I pushed the button to open the garage. But it was already open, smash! Right on top of my van. Wait until I tell my father-in-law, he had to fix it the last time I did something stupid.

The worst of it is...come close so I can whisper this. I just invited some family members to come stay at my house this weekend and even offered to host a birthday celebration event. I have exactly two whole days to clean the whole thing up! Oh dear. What a predicament. Where is Cat in the Hat when you need him? And Thing One and Thing Two?

So the question is. Do I leave the tree up or have my relatives help me take it down? My dear sister-in-law Jodi is coming to the rescue on Friday and helping me whip this house into shape. SHE will sign a consent, she just doesn't know it yet. So glad God is all about grace. I am needing extra doses of it. Along with my own garage door company!

Wrestling with God.....it's about time.

I told you, I'm not a fluff and stuff person. If you want to read about fashion and who's in, check out Perez Hilton. Things might start getting bumpy. I had to make a decision; I can write about where I'm at or take a hiatus. Here I am.

You see I have been running away from God for quite awhile. Not a great thing to admit when you're a Christian. For me, He stopped being safe when Jeff Wenzel went to heaven. I haven't verbalized this until recently and I am as transparent as they come and I am done pretending. So you might ask, "How is all that working out for you?" Not so good. Not so good.

I have been a Christian since I was six years old so I know all the "Christian" things to say. You might even be thinking some of them right now. "Oh, God isn't safe but He is good." "God knows best and Jeff is with Jesus." "God made you and knows everything about you and you can trust Him, He loves you." "God has a plan for your life." I even know the verses. Truth is, unless you have lost a spouse or child or someone this close, you really can't understand how this feels. It is indescribable.

When I look over my whole life, besides my kids, Jeff Wenzel was the best part of my life. Hands down. If you'll indulge me a minute. It's like my life really didn't start until he got there. He showed me so many things. He was infectious, life of the party, always wanted to do something crazy. I was always trying to talk him out of it. That rarely happened.

For example; I am 8 months pregnant with Olivia on a double "first" date with his cousin Jennifer and now husband Adam in downtown Wichita. I just need to use a restroom, that's it. Seems simple. It always starts off like this with Jeff. We stop in at the Broadview Hotel to use the bathroom and the next thing you know we are crashing "Mr. B.'s 40th Private Birthday Party."

Jeff gets us in. Next thing you know, he and I are on the dance floor and we are the only white people at the party (and I am hugely pregnant). But Jeff has more soul in his dancing than most there. He is jigging it up. Soon Mr. B himself comes over to greets us and invites us to eat. Jennifer and Adam are sitting down at a table not sure what to do. Ends up Jeff knows some people there. He always knows someone somewhere. This is our entire life. Never ever boring. He can't even die in a boring way. I miss everything about him. It's like the life of the party has left and I have no idea what to do now.

What is certain is that I have not been willing to admit that I might be angry at God. Christians aren't supposed to be angry at God. It's just been easier to ignore Him. But my pastor in Phoenix, John Lynch, posted a status just before Christmas that really prompted my heart to address my feelings toward God. He doesn't even realize it. This is what he posted:

To all those gamely, bravely attempting to face this season with grace and joy, but just holding on because of sadness, grief, or estrangement--He walks this day with you. His hands are in his pockets strolling next to you, every now and then commenting, "you're exactly where I want to be today, I'm not going anywhere." You're not missing out. You're His center during this season. Merry Christmas. John Lynch

I wrote " Can He be carrying me? Or giving me a piggy back ride?"

John wrote "Reneene-Yes, my friend. He can carry you. But not before you take long strolls together, bundled up, with Him, glancing over to you and smiling. Then He can carry you back home if you like."

Flood gates of tears let loose when I read this. Because I knew I hadn't even stepped in the general vicinity of Jesus let alone bundled up with Him in a blanket. No long strolls here. No gazing. I have been running as far away as possible from the creator of the universe. I was having a hard time imagining a Hallmark Heavenly moment.

What's the saying? The first step is admitting you have a problem. I guess you could say I have lost my Joy. But I am willing and wanting and ready to go seeking it out. I know the only place it can be found is in the one place I haven't wanted to go.

I am going to wrestle with God this year. Whatever it takes to live the life He intended for me. And like it or not, that life is without the coolest guy I ever knew. Please pray for me to see Jesus. It's been so long.

Character

Ah, the awkwardness of being in 5th grade and having to ballroom dance with a girl. The entire middle school years are really a drag. Anyone else agree? Sadly, I have very damaging memories from those years (late bloomer). Kids were just plain cruel. Why is this? Still true today.

Waiting for the bus with my son discussing the impending "Ballroom Dance Nightmare" for this afternoon, I am sad that things haven't changed much. He is dreading today because the girls get to choose the boys for dancing. And none of the boys want this one particular girl. And he barrels off about 10 reasons. And it makes me sad. For her. For me. Brings back memories. Makes me sad that my son is one of those boys.

We talk about character. And he says, "Mom, no kids talk about character." We just watched the movie "Flipped," (great movie, rent it) and it talks about people being more or less than the sum of their parts. I remind him of this. I ask him if he is more than the sum of his parts? How does this girl feel knowing no one wants to dance with her?

He says his good friend Braden will, he doesn't mind it. That he danced with her last time. I say, "His mother has raised him well." I am trying to get into my son's head because I want him see that God made this girl. She is a Child of God. There is nothing wrong with her.

And then he says it. He says, "Mom, I'm sorry but I just want to be cool." And don't we all? The world is telling us this everyday. We have to be cool, look good, be rich, have fast cars, know the right people, blah, blah, blah..... And it's all a lie. And our kids are believing it and so then this not-so-pretty-on-outside-girl gets shoved aside.

I tell him when we get to heaven and stand before God, He doesn't care if we were cool. He cares if we were kind. Were we kind to one another. Even to the unlovely. I am praying today if this precious little girl chooses my son to dance that he will be kind.

Cool is so changing and superficial and not lasting. The bible says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32