It's quiet here as I look out my window, I see nothing but white. Been like this for days, more to come they say. So much has been on my mind, perfect time to blog. I've had an epiphany if you will. I know Epiphany means "divine manifestation," but I truly believe these heart altering moments are from Jesus. No matter how long it takes us to end up where He wants us to be, He never gives up on us. He never walks away in frustration, He never shakes His head and says, "I am so over you." He's patient no matter how long we take to grieve the loss of our dear husband, child, parent, __________ fill in the blank. No matter how many times we make bad choices, walk the wrong path, self-sabotaging ourselves, not believing we are worth it, believe the lies of the enemy, can't seem to overcome the abuse of our past. He's still there, just waiting for us, loving us.
It has been just over 3 months now, sober from dependency on pain medication, being fully present. What I have realized is the meds. kept me from dealing with my grief. Didn't have to feel if I was numb to it. I suppose it's like that for others as well. What's your pain? Do you have a numbing agent? There could be so many to choose from. drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, gambling........It's truly been great to be freed from dependency on pain medication but now emotions are swirling around. Emotions that used to be under control, I am uncomfortable for sure.
On April 21, it will be 6 years since Jeff went to Jesus, that's a long time. My self-talk is usually chastising. "You should be farther along than you are. People expect you to be dating, why aren't you dating? Jeff would be so disappointed in you." The thing is, I have never experienced a loss like this, I have nothing to compare it to. I cannot worry about what others think or what someone else would do. No one else really knows what they would do unless they were actually going through it. You know, how we were always the best parents before we had any kids? Like that.
What's happening now is I am ALLOWING myself to cry and feel and remember for the first time in so very long. The epiphany is I believe it's the key to my healing. If I don't feel then I will never heal from this great loss. It explains why I haven't healed so far. I can shut down my emotions, I am good at that. I've done so my entire life. No details but some of you know my life story, it's filled with so much pain and tragedy. I can talk myself out of crying. What's the point? It doesn't change anything. These are the words I use.
Last week while the kids were in school I watched a movie that I haven't seen in almost 20 years. It was on HBO and all of sudden it brought me back to Jeff. It was "Sabrina," the remake with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond made in 1995. Jeff took me to see it when we were dating, he had already seen it and was very pressing that I see it with him. It all came back to me as I watched it. Linus Larrabee, Harrison's character was a workaholic, never had time for anything but work. Certainly not love. He was falling for Sabrina. At the end of the movie, a key part in the movie, I could feel Jeff staring at me in the dark. Why wasn't he watching the movie? At this moment in the movie, Linus tells Sabrina's father "But I need her, and I don't need anything."
Later Jeff took me home to my parents home (yes, I was living at home) and he was flustered about. He talked of being able to be focused on his work and what needed to be done. He was always able to be in control of himself and his emotions and he was having a hard time doing that lately. He was frustrated with himself. I just smiled. I knew what was going on. He was falling in love with me. What was even more amazing was, I had nothing to do with it. It was all God. You see Jeff was used to girls throwing themselves at him, I witnessed it in our singles group. I had no interest in doing that. I've always been a girl who didn't need a man to "complete her." I wasn't doing stuff to impress him so if he was falling in love with me then it was God changing his heart. What a cool thing to witness, a man being undone by love. For me also. I had never felt love like this before.
I share this story with you because it's a sweet memory. God is now giving me sweet memories and I don't have to be afraid to feel them. It sounds silly now to think feeling can make you weak but that is what I had convinced myself I was. To feel means every emotion possible, here are just a few I am feeling:
Grief, brave, lonely, weepy, challenged, angry, refreshed, cheated, wanted, different.
Eyes wide open. I live there now. The up side is I am fully present and fully aware, fully engaged with my children. It's not a down side but I can be reduced to tears in a moment. Last week I stopped by the mall to return something on a weekday morning. I despise the mall. As I stepped inside, there was an elderly couple in front of me in tennis shoes walking laps around the mall. So sweet as they walked and held hands. I could not stop the tears from coming. These couples were everywhere. I love love. Such a fan. Wishing for a moment that will never be I suppose. I again realize I am grieving. I have to do this. I have to feel to heal. And I will.
