Here's To Marriage: Paige & Matt

On Friday, I am going to be with my oldest and dearest friend (since 6th grade) as her only daughter marries.  How exciting for Paige and Matt!  Marriage is serious business.  Many take it lightly.  Many walk away so easily.  Or don't even marry at all.  God is a big fan of marriage, he created it, designed it.  Not to be entered lightly, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do us part.  Bringing back memories?

When we were young and in love (and I mean, seriously "in love'') standing up at that altar, we would've said just about anything to be married to this almost perfect person.  Remember the moment?  Really, it's better not knowing what might be ahead, kind of like a roller coaster.  Specifically, Space Mountain at Disney World.  It's a roller coaster in a mountain and you are completely in the dark. 

I believe if God told us in advance all that was ahead for us in our marriage, many might not go through with it.  The fun of marriage is figuring life out together, even the hard stuff.  You might not think I can give marital advice since I am no longer married.  Alas!  I am the perfect person, I was married for 10 years and after such an enormous loss, I have great perspective.

Be adventurous.  Try new things.  Don't nag and nit-pick and try to change your spouse, the only person you can change is YOU.  Don't make mountains out of molehills, are you willing to die on this hill for whatever you are fighting over?  Most things are not that big of a deal.  Chill-out.  Cancer is a big deal.  Let your spouse be them and you be you, still having your own friends and individual time but also couple time.  Laugh a lot.  Don't go to bed angry if possible.  NEVER talk negative about your spouse with your family when you're fighting, you will make-up but they will remember what you said because you will always be their baby.  Don't be selfish.  Do little things to remind your spouse you love them everyday.  Listen, listen, listen.  Work out holidays in advance and let your families know what your doing, you are a family now; this will be a big adjustment.  Respect each other, men really need to feel respected, this is huge for them.  Women need to feel loved, this is very important.  "The Five Love Languages" is a good book to get.  Be grateful for everyday you have with each other.  It is a gift.  Not everyone experiences love/marriage, you are fortunate.  And God does not promise we will live to be 100 years old,  sitting on a front porch growing old together.  Live everyday as it is your last.  Life is fleeting.  Lastly, always have God at the center of your marriage.

It's truly the little things in marriage I miss the most.  Walking through the back door and saying "I'm home."  Or calling to see how his day is going or vice versa.  Just having another human being fully committed to me, caring about me and my well-being.  My number one fan.  My protector.  My cheerleader.  When I need to fall apart or have a moment, he's the one I felt safe with.  Crawling in bed next to a warm body.  Making some funny comment and he knows exactly what I meant.  Having two extra hands with the kids.  With everything.  Someone to __________ you fill in the blank.  My life partner in all things.  That's what marriage is.  That's what you sign-up for when you say I do.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  But it's beautiful!

Marriage at it's finest is grand.  I'm a huge fan and I believe you will have a wonderful life if you always put the other before yourself.  You have a great example in your parents, Paige!  Still haven't made it through a wedding without losing it completely.  The vows always get me, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  For those of you who are married, I hope you realize how truly lucky you are.  Because your children are watching how you do this marriage thing, how you treat one another.  You are their example for their future marriage.  Here's to marriage!

Robertson vs. Robertson

I am torn.  There are about 10 things I need to be doing today after my 4 1/2 power nap yesterday but I woke to Pat Robertson all over the news.  Inner turmoil and words crammed into my brain have won out.  In case you haven't heard the disturbing news, brace yourself. Mr. Robertson announced on his "700 Club" television show (lovely): Divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer's is justifiable.  He said, he believes the disease is "a kind of death."  Isn't that nice of him?

I am just flat out mad.  He told a male viewer whose friend had started seeing another woman after his wife was diagnosed, and I quote "I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her."

That somebody should be her husband.  He agreed to the deal the day he said "I Do."  I realize in our society people get divorced for just about any old reason.  I believe the term "irreconcilable differences" is the catch-all but this is a supposed Christian leader.

Robertson McQuilkin was married 40 years to his wonderful bride Muriel when she began having symptoms of Alzheimer's.  He was president of Columbia Bible College at the time and had been for 22 years when he resigned in 1990 to care for her full-time.
These are the words he spoke to the board at the college:

…recently it has become apparent that Muriel is contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away from her. It is not just "discontent." She is filled with fear—even terror—that she has lost me and always goes in search of me when I leave home. So it is clear to me that she needs me now, full-time… The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel "in sickness and in health…till death do us part." So, as I told the students and faculty, as a man of my word, integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of her debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But there is more: I love Muriel. She is a delight to me—her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I don't have to care for her. I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person.

Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You should get his book.  It's called "A Promise Kept," someone gave it to me after Jeff's brain tumor was removed because the husband who came home was very different than the one I married.  Those of you who were around, remember what a challenging time it was.  Funny thing is Jeff really liked the new him.  I had to grapple with, what if he never goes back to how he was?  But I made a vow before God and a lot of people.  Interestingly, it wasn't until I fully gave it to Jesus and said, "Ok, if this my new husband, I'm okay with it."  The moment I accepted him fully and he felt it, he began to change more into the person he was. 

Through the four years of Jeff's cancer fight he would at times apologize to me, for putting me through this.  As if he had any control or choice.  But I don't hold Pat's view.  I always counted myself the luckiest girl in the world.  Even now.  I would rather walk through brain cancer with Jeff than be married to any other man I'd tell him.  And I meant it.  Did you know him?  You know what I mean then.  Not once in those 4 years did he complain or ask God "Why me? 

Not me of course, I was not happy about it one bit.  But every night he would kneel by the side of the bed to pray.  Even at the very end when he couldn't remember to get back up and I would wake-up and he was still there by the side of the bed.  Truly amazing man.  These are the stories I get to share with my children. 

Now 4 years is a long time.  I guess some people might have "hit the road."  To me, it wasn't long enough.  There is such beauty in pain and you can miss it if you check-out or move on.  Sometimes life is hard, God never promises us happiness but He won't ever leave us.  If you are going through something difficult, gut-wretching, painful, bigger than you can handle please know it's not for nothing.  God can and will use it all if we let Him in.  Let Him carry you but I promise you, He doesn't want you to walk away just because you might not be happy anymore.  Happiness is so overrated.

So, there you are. Two very differing views from men with the name "Robertson."
Pat Robertson or Robertson McQuilkin, which one would you rather be married to?
An oncologist quoted in the book, "A Promise Kept" said, "Almost all women stand by their men, very few men stand by their women."  In regards to illness.  Interesting quote.  A side note, Jeff wasn't very compassionate in regards to my migraines until he began having headaches for 3 weeks before finding the brain tumor.  After that, he was much more sympathetic to mine.  I was secretly thankful.

Whackadoodle and Johnny Cash!

Just so you know, I'm not always a whackadoodle.  I have my moments of lucid thoughts and deep conversations.  There does seem to be a pattern with my posts.  One "airhead" situation and then a meaningful time with one of my kids or Jesus.  Isn't that how life works?  Much more exciting. 

Each of my children are very different.  My oldest prefers comedies when it comes to movies and my middle, well I can talk him into deeper, dramatic themed movies.  I have been wanting to watch "Walk the Line" with him, the story of Johnny Cash's life.  He was home sick one day last week and we did just that. 

If you have seen it, the movie is very hard to watch at times.  It opens with Johnny (who was named J. R. by his family) and his older brother Jack, they are best friends.  They are poor but love being together.  The father clearly prefers Jack, he is going to be a preacher.  Johnny is very much into music, like his momma.  Back then folks talked of music as it being a waste of time or even from the devil (rock and roll).

Sadly, Jack is killed in a freak accident and the father verbally says, "God took the wrong son." Can you imagine your father telling you this?  The family home becomes a sad place to be.  Watching this angers Ben, he wants to go into the TV and hurt that father, he says.  Johnny feels his father disapproval from early childhood forward to adulthood.  Eventually he joins the military, marries, has children and then finally is discovered as a singer.

Internally, he is a mess.  Marriage is a mess.  His friends on tour are Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Waylon Jennings (all the biggies) and June Carter.  These men introduce to him drugs, alcohol, woman etc... This of course numbs all the pain from his past.

His life is spiraling out of control.  As Ben watches this part, he comments what a loser this man is becoming, doing all this bad stuff.  He can't see that he's in pain and he's making bad choices so he doesn't have to deal with it.  Eventually his wife leaves him and his life is so bad the tour comes to a halt.  The drugs take over his life. 

But he is still trying to earn his father's approval.  We does this, even as adults.  And his dad just won't give it, not even the tiniest bit.  In the end, it's June Carter and her parents who help Johnny detox.  They stay with him day and night.  Even running his drug dealer off the property with a gun. 

What I am amazed at, was the first words out of Johnny's mouth when he was finally sober.  Completely drug-free.  His first words were his father's words, God took the wrong son.  Ben and I talk about this.  Words have so much power.  We can't take them back.  We can say we're sorry but once they are out there, they stay with us.

Are you using words that encourage or harm others?  I tell Ben that Johnny Cash wasn't being a loser taking all those drugs and drinking, it just numbed the pain.  It kept him from hurting.  We do that sometimes, we don't want to feel so we turn to our "thing," whatever it is to stop the pain.

June Carter was his angel.  That's what he told her.  He said, "I've done so many bad things."  Haven't we all?  No one deserve grace or second or third or fourth chances.  But that's where Jesus steps in.  He became the Father Johnny should have had.  No child should have been spoken to by their father like that.

I tell Ben, see there are things worse than not having a father, you could have had Johnny's father.  Someone always has it worse.  It's extremely important to me that my children don't see themselves as victims.  Otherwise it means God wasn't paying attention. He'd say something like, "Oh, look I turned my head for a second and Jeff Wenzel died.  What am I going to do?  Those kids are going to be a mess without their dad."

I know that's not how God works.  This was not an accident.  He did not fall asleep on the job.  This is part of my children's story now.  I pray for them.  I pray it will make them stronger.  There are strong Christian men who walk along side them, that Jeff and I asked before he passed.  Men who have committed their lives to my children. 

This movie reminds me to not judge others.  No one knows what another has been through.  I realize once we are adults we need to take responsibility for our lives.  But everyone needs Jesus.  And I'm a sucker for redemption stories.  Johnny Cash never forgot that as he did concerts at the Folsom Prison.  This was unheard of.  People did not think much of prisoners, they didn't deserve it.  But Johnny didn't agree.  And as you know, I've had my own recent incident with the prison.  Maybe I'll start a prison ministry!