Miracles

Dust has been collecting on my blog site.  I'm a person who operates on a deeper-level.  Life has to have meaning or what's the point.  For me, meaning equals Jesus.  He and I haven't been talking much lately.  Don't gasp.  Just being real.  I have been far from Him for awhile.  There wasn't a big blow-up or break-up. I didn't just get mad and walk away.  A slow numbing is the description I would give my heart toward His.  And yes it all begin when my dear Jeff died.  I know what's happening, it's self-protection.  I'm afraid to give Him all of me, my whole heart because what will He take next?  or Whom?  Joseph, Ben or Olivia?  If you knew my testimony, my whole life story, then you would know God and I already struggle with this He-Takes-Something-Away-But-Wants-Wants-My-Whole-Heart-In-Return.  I think this last loss was my last straw with Jesus.

The thing about Jesus is He does want all of us.  I just haven't been able to give Him me back yet.  But I know deep in my core I can't do this life without Him.  The day before Thanksgiving I left my house to go shopping.  Driving down the road I felt prompted to talk to God.  I was getting ready to take a trip with Ben and I wanted it to be meaningful.  I don't even remember what I said exactly but I uttered some words.  I did say, "I don't even know if you're even listening to me.  It's been so long.  Are you there?"  It was very emotional for me, I was crying as I drove.  I went to the bank and then headed to the mall.

I was given a $25 gift card to JC Penney by a friend for my birthday and I was going to spend it on my kids and decided to buy myself a lipstick in Sephora.  A gal talks me into buying an entire kit with a lipstick and other items and offers to do a makeover on me.  I really don't have time but she is persuasive so I agree.

As she applies the make-up she asks me what I do, general questions.  I tell her, I am a widow with 3 kids. After she asks how my husband dies, everything changes.  I never tell her I am a Christian.  She from this point on begins talking about the Lord.  Speaking to me with such directness, it was as if God himself was telling her what to say.  Of course she never knew I had just uttered anything to Him in my car.

After hearing that my husband had died, she exclaimed, "Isn't wonderful that you will see him again in heaven?"  Yes, I reply.  In fact, she would not shut up about God.  There was no question that God was saying, "Reneene, yes I hear you.  I am listening to every word you say."   She shared about a woman who went to heaven for a moment and then came back to life and said she could see her loved ones.  She assured me my husband is watching over me and the kids.

She shared about a young teenager in Wichita who had died and the mother was struggling with her death until she had found the girl's journal.  In it the girl had predicated when she was 6 or 7 that she was going to die young.  But that God was going to use her death to save many lives.  And at her funeral many kids came to know the Lord.  The woman said to me God has a purpose for your husband's death.  Reminding me this was not for nothing.

At this point, she is ringing up my purchase and I realize that God has sent this person to me.  That within one hour of my utterance to Him, He has answered in a miraculous way.  With a make- up artist at Sephora.  And I start crying right there at the counter.  Completely ruing my make-over.  She is still talking and writing down websites for me to check-out.  And I am overwhelmed at this moment how much God still loves me.

I tell her in my blubbering voice that I've been far from God lately and that I really needed to hear those words, so thank you, I tell her. She comes around and give me a hug and I leave. She had no idea what happened in my car.  She might not even no why she was saying what she said but she was being obedient on that Wednesday afternoon to a complete stranger.

I have only shared this with a couple people since this happened but it I believe God wants me to share it with you.  It doesn't matter how long it's been since you've talked with Him, what you've done or haven't.  He loves you no matter what.  Look how fast He answered when I finally reached out to Him.  This is a slow road back for me and I know He is okay with that.  I am seeing a counselor as I work through issues.

Know that He loves you, He's right there waiting for you so say His name and He's so patient.  I still believe in miracles.  I just witnessed one.

Sweet Angels

Where do I begin?  I've been teary eyed the past few days.  You might remember a few weeks backs Joseph and Olivia went to the annual Hospice Care of Kansas camp for kids who have lost a loved one.  It was there Olivia met a new friend named E (I will not use their real names).  She and her sister M were there at the camp because they had just lost their dad in March.

On Tuesday morning E called Olivia and asked if she could come over and play.  There is a language barrier as the mother only speaks Spanish.  And I have never met the family because my in-laws picked my kids up from the camp (Ben and I were at a baseball tournament).  E's brother gave me directions, headed there, got lost, shockingly (I know you're shocked, another story for another time) and finally found the pink home they live in. When I got there, no mother but found a house of children.  Found out that E is one of 6 children.  This poor women lost her husband and is now left with 6 children.  My stomach dropped.

I meet 5 of the 6 kids.  The mother is at the bank with one of the girls.  I am not leaving my child there until I meet the mom.  Then Olivia hollers for me to come down to the basement.  I hobble down because I have a boot on my foot.  As I walk through the kitchen I am keenly aware of poverty and I am overtaken with sadness.  Going down the stairs I realize the smell has got to be some sort of mold or something that no one should be smelling.  And then I see two twin beds down there and E and M say this is our room.  I look down on one of the beds and there is a little baby boy maybe 1 or so sleeping in the of the beds.  Oh my goodness.

Back up stairs I have fallen in love with the little 4 year old boy J.  He has attached himself to me.  You can tell he is starving for attention.  His shirt is covered with all sorts of stuff, maybe food, dirt.  Who knows but he has the best smile.  He looks at all the pictures in my phone, wants to know who everyone is.  And then wants me to take a picture a him.  After the 15 year old boy let me in and introduced himself, I have never seen him again.  There was sadness in his eyes.  I can only imagine what he must be feeling having just lost his dad 3 months back.

The mom and sister L come home.  L is only 13 years old but she must translate what I say.  She's more mature than any 13 year old I've ever met.  Maybe because of losing her dad or as I've come to find out, she is the one taking care of all these kids.  Grief is messy and different for everyone.  The mom has kind eyes.  She tells me her husband died of Alzheimer's Disease, he was older.  She tells me the kids are ages 1-15 and yes there are 6 of them.  Again, my plate is not as full.  I have much to be grateful for.

I leave and come back in a few hours.  And then it all changes.  Olivia wants the two girls to come back for a sleepover,  Please? they ask.  Ok, I say.  The mom says yes.  But that sweet little boy J wants to get in my van too.  Even the little baby.  On the porch I turn and there sits the oldest boy sitting in a chair, staring off into the distance.  This whole family seems so sad to me.  I want to take them all home, I want to fix it all.  But I can't.  So we take two of them home with us.

And they have been here ever since Tuesday.  They don't want to go home.  They call me mom. They have spent the 2 days talking about their dad constantly, telling me all about him.  Drawing pictures, recording songs and dedicating them to him.  We passed the cemetery his ashes are at and they got so excited.  I just don't think they talk about this at home so openly.  I have to take them back today because they aren't my children but my heart is aching already.  You know I got all that food from extreme couponing the other day and I didn't know why.  Well, it was to bring it to this family and they were so grateful.

There are things these two girls have shared with me that have hurt my heart for them.  I truly believe the love of their life, the one who showed them love just died in March.   This breaks my heart.  Olivia wants to go buy them toys and everything she can imagine.  I want to gather up every strong man and fix their house.  I want to get mentors for these children.  But I can't.  Please pray for these children.

They love Joseph, they met him at the camp also.  He's so great with kids.  I don't mean to dump all this on you but I have been reduced to tears these past few days.  It is not my place to judge only God.  The hardest part in all this and for the girls, is the mom already has a boyfriend.  She is with him a lot, this is why the 13 year old takes care of the kids.  You all know me, this is unfathomable to me.  But everyone grieves differently.  This is a specific part of my prayer request, for the mom to be more present.

It's been a heavy week, no air, hobbling on a bum foot, these two precious angels that I have to take home.  And don't forget that God showed up yesterday.  Life is packed with so much we cannot live without Him.  How could we do it without Jesus?

10 years

No matter where I am.  Who I'm with.  What I'm doing.  It always comes back to this moment.  This day.  The day that changed the course of our lives.  April First 2003.  And this day marks the Tenth Anniversary.  Still trying to wrap my brain (no pun intended) around that it's been 10 years!  Last night was difficult, emotional.  I always pray with the kids before bed, the boys share a room so I pray with them together and then Olivia by herself.  Ten years ago would have made the boys 3 and 5 years old.  They did not remember the events of that day.  They hadn't really asked about them before but I went ahead and shared.  Lots of questions, I tried to add in the humorous parts.  After a short time I could tell one of them was falling apart emotionally.  I ended up having to really console him for a good part of an hour.  He slept with me last night and had questions to which I still have no answers.  Like, "Why did daddy have to die?"  You know, the basic life questions.  I'm still stumped on that myself.

But I do know for sure, since that day God is control and I am not.  He is my only Hope.  Even if this doesn't make sense.  I can't explain it. I just know it.  Have I had some doubts?  Yeah.  Have I screwed up?  Ask my Hoopla Sisters.  Have I messed up parenting my kids?  Who hasn't?  But for 10 years, 120 months, 520 weeks, 3650 days and 87,600 hours I have showed up/got up/pressed on/picked myself up off the floor/let others hold me up/moved forward even if it was by the skin of my teeth.  It hasn't always been pretty.  Grief is messy.  My children will continue to "fall to pieces" even when they are adults I imagine.  This whole thing stinks for them.  As I held my child last night, my crying child, I said to him, "I'm sorry.  I imagined a completely different story for you life.  I can't fix this or change this.  But I believe God does have purpose for this, I just don't know what it is right now."  To me their just babies, when they cry in your arms, their babies.  For this to happen on Easter made me think of how God must have been crying as Jesus, His only Son, hanging on that cross in such pain.  For hours He hung, dying and He had to watch Him die.


Below is a journal entry from if you can believe, March 31, 2007.  What are the chances?  It was an emotional time with my boys then and fast forward 6 years later, last night.  Still having to hold children as they cry in my arms.

March 31, 2007

Warning: This could make you cry.  Friday night Jeff went to dinner with his friend Robert.  My boys were pressing me all week to go to the store to buy some Playstation game.  They have money burning a hole in their pocket, you know what I mean.  My mom is here so she could stay with Olivia.  I don’t really want to go because it’s pouring rain, really soaking wet rain outside.  I haven’t spent much one-on-one time with them so I concede.  Our minivan has the back bench seat folded down in the Stow-N-Go because we had Jeff’s wheelchair back there. There’s a big, empty space in our van.  As we drive in the pouring rain, a Switchfoot song comes on the radio.  It’s “This is Your Life” – Ben recognizes this song as the theme song used for Jeff’s 40^th Birthday Party in 2005.  All the kids know the song.  Ben starts crying while it’s on, saying “this song reminds me of daddy, and I’m sad.”  Joseph tells me about our friends on the next block whose neighbor has a brain tumor and says the doctor burned his out of his head.  And why can’t we just burn Daddy’s out?  I realize he’s talking about radiation and tell them he already did radiation and can’t have any more.  Joseph begins crying.  Both boys are crying in the back seat, it’s pouring rain outside and I have to keep driving.  We get to Walmart and find a spot to park.  I must enter into this moment with my sons who are grieving.  They need to feel it.  I climbed to the very back of the van and lay on my back and beckon them to come to me.  The three of us lay on our backs, I am holding them in my arms and we just cry.  We cry because this is just so sad.  They have to see me feeling and grieving.  I am moved by Joseph who begins to wail and sob.  He cannot stop, he really understands the seriousness.  We finally decide to go inside Walmart and just like that, they move onto shopping.  Kids are resilient like that.  They stay in the moment.  They are now in the next moment.  I love that about kids.  Wish I could do that.  We worry and obsess and have anxiety.  I tell about my moment with my sons because people have been asking how the kids are doing.  I was so moved by the whole thing as I didn’t even want to go in the first place.  I was would have missed the moment with them if I didn’t take the opportunity while it was in front of me.  Don’t miss your moments.

                                    

                                                             

Overcome

WOW!  First timer. I've never added a picture or video to my blog, not savvy enough.  Hope this works when you click on the Jeremy Camp song above.   The words to this song speaks of Jesus and all His attributes.  Powerful, awesome, worthy to be praised and honored, great.  Those alone make Him seem too big to reach.  There are words in this song I love, listen to them.  "We will overcome, by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, everyone overcome."  If you are not a follower of Jesus, He came for you as He came for me.

Easter is about Him, giving His life for us.  His actual life.  He was human and walked the earth and when it was time he chose to give His life for us.  He died on a cross for my sins, your sins.  So one day we would spend eternity together.  Our world is pretty messed up, just look around you.  So much arguing and bickering and fighting.  It's really difficult to distinguish who's a follower of Jesus and who isn't.  The world should know you are His by your love.  Jesus was about love.  Forgiveness.  Second chances, third, fourth and 70/7.

Do people even know my testimony?  Mostly on FB I share frustrations, shocking news stories, get riled up about something.  Do people know what I'm for, or only what I'm against?

Jesus has saved my life on a number of occasions, rescued me from the pit.  Even if I chose to put myself in that pit.  Because He loves me so much.  I have looked back over a very difficult childhood at times and questioned, "Where was God?  How could He have allowed this and that to happen?"  And clear as could be, I received an answer from Him, "I was holding you."  He never put me down.  Even when I've been angry and questioned, what God could be thinking?.....He has never left my side.  He is faithful, He is compassionate, He is good.  Even when I barely see Him.  Even when I don't understand.

God allowed His own son to be crucified for me.  I cannot imagine placing my child in that situation.  I believe it was the ultimate sacrifice.  When I was a child, even though my home life was not ideal.  My parents took us to church and that is where I was introduced to Jesus.  I found refuge in the hope that "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

I accepted Jesus into my heart at age 6 in Sunday School class at Bethany Bible Church in Phoenix, Arizona.  Mrs. Cheatam prayed with me.  I will never forget just before Jeff passed away, I received a card in the mail from her telling me she was praying for me.  A friend had shared our story with her.  Full circle.  My walk with Jesus began with her.

My testimony is not a smooth sailing ride.  It never has been one.  I loved youth group.  We had the best times.  Summer YG camp was my favorite.  Always one night we'd have a campfire and share our hearts.  Testimonies of how God came into our lives.  I used to wish my testimony was normal.  Found Jesus at early age, great childhood, happy, Me and Jesus are thick as thieves, blah, blah, blah.  Then I realized, my testimony is not mine.  God is writing my story, it's His story.  It's my job to share it with others.  If every one's life was together and so wonderful, why would they need Jesus?

What I know for sure!  Jesus came for the misfits, tax collectors, prostitutes, poor, needy, etc....He came for me.   Call me anytime and I would love to share my story with you over coffee.   What's your story?  Have a blessed Easter.

Feel to Heal

It's quiet here as I look out my window, I see nothing but white.  Been like this for days, more to come they say.  So much has been on my mind, perfect time to blog.  I've had an epiphany if you will.  I know Epiphany means "divine manifestation," but I truly believe these heart altering moments are from Jesus.  No matter how long it takes us to end up where He wants us to be, He never gives up on us.  He never walks away in frustration,  He never shakes His head and says, "I am so over you."  He's patient no matter how long we take to grieve the loss of our dear husband, child, parent, __________ fill in the blank.  No matter how many times we make bad choices, walk the wrong path, self-sabotaging ourselves, not believing we are worth it, believe the lies of the enemy, can't seem to overcome the abuse of our past.  He's still there, just waiting for us, loving us.

It has been just over 3 months now, sober from dependency on pain medication, being fully present.  What I have realized is the meds. kept me from dealing with my grief.  Didn't have to feel if I was numb to it.  I suppose it's like that for others as well.  What's your pain?  Do you have a numbing agent?  There could be so many to choose from. drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, gambling........It's truly been great to be freed from dependency on pain medication but now emotions are swirling around.  Emotions that used to be under control, I am uncomfortable for sure.

On April 21, it will be 6 years since Jeff went to Jesus, that's a long time.  My self-talk is usually chastising.  "You should be farther along than you are.  People expect you to be dating, why aren't you dating?  Jeff would be so disappointed in you."  The thing is, I have never experienced a loss like this, I have nothing to compare it to.  I cannot worry about what others think or what someone else would do.  No one else really knows what they would do unless they were actually going through it.  You know, how we were always the best parents before we had any kids?  Like that.

What's happening now is I am ALLOWING myself to cry and feel and remember for the first time in so very long.  The epiphany is I believe it's the key to my healing.  If I don't feel then I will never heal from this great loss.  It explains why I haven't healed so far.  I can shut down my emotions, I am good at that.  I've done so my entire life.  No details but some of you know my life story, it's filled with so much pain and tragedy.  I can talk myself out of crying.  What's the point?  It doesn't change anything.  These are the words I use.

Last week while the kids were in school I watched a movie that I haven't seen in almost 20 years.  It was on HBO and all of sudden it brought me back to Jeff.  It was "Sabrina," the remake with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond made in 1995.  Jeff took me to see it when we were dating, he had already seen it and was very pressing that I see it with him.  It all came back to me as I watched it.  Linus Larrabee, Harrison's character was a workaholic, never had time for anything but work.  Certainly not love.  He was falling for Sabrina.  At the end of the movie, a key part in the movie, I could feel Jeff staring at me in the dark.  Why wasn't he watching the movie?  At this moment in the movie, Linus tells Sabrina's father "But I need her, and I don't need anything."

Later Jeff took me home to my parents home (yes, I was living at home) and he was flustered about.  He talked of being able to be focused on his work and what needed to be done. He was always able to be in control of himself and his emotions and he was having a hard time doing that lately.  He was frustrated with himself.  I just smiled.  I knew what was going on.  He was falling in love with me.  What was even more amazing was, I had nothing to do with it.  It was all God.  You see Jeff was used to girls throwing themselves at him, I witnessed it in our singles group.  I had no interest in doing that.  I've always been a girl who didn't need a man to "complete her."  I wasn't doing stuff to impress him so if he was falling in love with me then it was God changing his heart.  What a cool thing to witness, a man being undone by love.  For me also.  I had never felt love like this before.

I share this story with you because it's a sweet memory.  God is now giving me sweet memories and I don't have to be afraid to feel them.  It sounds silly now to think feeling can make you weak but that is what I had convinced myself I was.  To feel means every emotion possible, here are just a few I am feeling:

Grief, brave, lonely, weepy, challenged, angry, refreshed, cheated, wanted, different.

Eyes wide open.  I live there now.  The up side is I am fully present and fully aware, fully engaged with my children.  It's not a down side but I can be reduced to tears in a moment.  Last week I stopped by the mall to return something on a weekday morning.  I despise the mall.  As I stepped inside, there was an elderly couple in front of me in tennis shoes walking laps around the mall.  So sweet as they walked and held hands.  I could not stop the tears from coming.  These couples were everywhere.  I love love.  Such a fan.  Wishing for a moment that will never be I suppose.  I again realize I am grieving.  I have to do this.  I have to feel to heal.  And I will.