Doing Battle in a Big, Giant Hole

All morning I have openly let it all out.  Me and Him, Jesus.  I have cried, prayed, hollered out “Where are you?  Do you hear me? I’m in pain.  Help me, please help me!”  I have slept. This spot I’m in is not rainbows and puppies.  You might stop reading now if that’s what you want.  The big, giant hole I feel I’ve landed in did not happen overnight.  Surely it has been getting bigger over the last 8+ years.  I think a couple of things have happened and here I am.  For certain, turning 50 next month has me in a tight hold.  I have become reflective of my life since Jeff’s passing and when I look it all over, it’s just too much.  Slowly, not overnight, I have moved away from the only One who can save me.  All the other stuff are lies; sugar, TV, pain medication, your kids’ abilities (grades, sports, activities), buying stuff, pulling away from friends and activities, hiding out.  These have been mine these past 8 years, not all the time but still keeping me from Him.  What are yours?  The thing is, they will all disappoint you.  Everything is fleeting.

 

What Jesus has required of me, I have kept tucked away.  Nobody is going to get it from me.  He wants my trust and all my love.  To be fully devoted to Him.  I like the sound of it but actually giving it all to him, I just can’t.  Desire and reality are two very different worlds.  At least to me.  I imagined a different life and even though it’s been so long, my heart is struggling to believe this is the plan for me/us. I fear letting Him have it all, who will protect me if I give Him all the power?

Lots of tension with parenting teenagers.  Many moments of overwhelming thoughts.  I am convinced God messed up and took the wrong parent.  I am failing.  I am continuing to hurt my kids’ hearts by overreacting.  Trying to make it all look good.  I have to get this right.  You only have one shot.  This is just too much to bear.  What in the world was He thinking taking Jeff?  Keeping it real here, this is what’s happening inside my head.  I know its lies.  But when you have moved away from God, the lies seem real.

I fully fell into the big hole last night.  Blow up with child, lots of yelling.  Decided I was done parenting.  What’s the point?  I made this decision while my 3 kids were at youth group.  Numb when they got home.  One of them came in to check on me.  I was already in the hole.  Pretty much said the paragraph above to the child.  He said, “Mom, you’ve done the best you could without Daddy being here.  Except take us to church, you should have done that.”  AND THERE IT IS.  You can’t get around that.  It’s true.  Slowly, I have moved away from the One True King.  And I moved my kids with me.  I am weeping as I type this.  None of any of the other stuff matters except this.  In my deepest part, the part that has kept me arms lengths from letting God in.  Trust and love.  Two biggies.  I dragged my kids down with me.  And now they are old enough to see it and verbalize it.  The enemy is right there, in front of my face laughing, saying, “I win.” 

My battle is His battle.  I cannot change my reality.  I cannot bring Jeff home.  I cannot give my kids their dad.  I cannot fix the giant hole in all our hearts.  I cannot give them answers.  I cannot give them peace.  I cannot give them unconditional love because they have suffered such a loss.  I can only give them Jesus.  It’s not too late.  That’s what I found out this morning. 

Hosea 6:1-3

“Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds.  After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will restore us, that we may live in His presence.  Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him.  As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”

This scripture is what He gave to me. 

God is listening.  Some amazing things happened this morning.  First, my hugest struggle besides moving away from Him, is parenting.  I already explained that above.  My instant thought was that I need to speak to my oldest/dearest friend, Debbie.  She and her husband have raised 4 incredible kids.  I knew she could help me.  But I didn’t feel God was wanting me to call anyone.  I begged Him to please speak to her, somehow so I would know He could hear me.  It’s because of her, I am sharing all of this with you.  She doesn’t even know what she’s is done.  After all my crying out to Him.  I went to check my email.  She had forwarded an email to me with an article called, “Why you must not silence your writing dream today.”  I won’t go into the article.  Debbie wrote, “Is this your dream?  This might just be my dream for you.” 

This feeble attempt to share where I’m at right now, in all its ugliness, is because I believe God told me to.  Even if none of this matters to anyone, I was supposed to tell you that God is still listening when we cry out to Him.

 

The other thing….those of you on Facebook, know I love to share TobyMac’s status verses, quotes, etc.   When I finished my time with Jesus this day, I opened my FB and up pops his newest update.  With these words.  “He heard you, just be patient.”  Wow!  Can you believe that?  It was for me.  I know it was from Him.  

I am climbing out of my hole.  It’s not too late.  God has never moved.  Fully physically exhausted with headache and all.  Been the best spot I’ve seen in a very long while.