Super Heroes

Summer is closing down.  Kids have finally gone back to school.  For me, it leaves me with some welcomed time alone.  But also, un-welcomed time alone.  Life is in constant movement, rarely leaving moments to reflect or think or dream or ponder.  At least for me, at the end of all my summer days, exhaustion set in.

Here I am.  Just me and silence.  What do you think about when it's completely silent?  Do you try to not let that happen because then you're forced to feel or deal with emotions you'd rather not have emerge.  I get it. Silence is deafening!

Movies and music are what tap into my core.  I read between the lines, I am a meaning person.  Everything has to have meaning.  What scares me the most is I will get to the end of my life and be stuck.  Never having moved past the death of my dear husband.  You can stop reading if this is if it's too heavy for you.  But in the core of my being, it's what I wrestle with.  I want to move on and live life to the fullest.  I have yet to figure out day to day what that looks like.

Every anniversary hits hard.  My dear friends encourage me, send a card, pray for me.  But I always wonder are you really thinking...."When is she going to get over this?"  I say this because a family member said to me on Friday, our wedding anniversary, when I mentioned I was a bit sad, "Oh my gosh, that was so long ago.  It's all water under the bridge now."  Wish there was a book on how to get over a loved one.

One thing that affected hugely this summer was "The Dark Knight Rises," the latest Batman movie.  If you haven't seen it, I don't think what I will say will spoil anything.  Bruce Wayne (Batman) has not been seen or heard of for eight years since the commissioner's death.  He has gone into recluse if you will.  He is physically injured, walking around with a cane.  But his home is dark, not seeing visitors and he limps around in a bathrobe using that cane.  For sure he has given up, checked out of life.  Like a wounded warrior who's never gotten help.

I remember gasping at the scene of him and the dialog of why he's given up.  I could feel emotions rise up in me.  I am him.  I may not be physically limping or even walk around in a bathrobe but I am him.  I go through the motions.  I do what's needed.  I take care of my children.  But Bruce Wayne has lost his purpose for living.  He has lost his Hope.  He has lost the vision of what his life was meant to be.

Have you had a loss so great that you feel this way?  Maybe no one even knows.  Maybe you wear a really good mask.  Say all the right things.  Do all the right things.  Smile when you feel like crying.  Why can't we be real with one another?  It's just so important.

More often than not when we are hit with such a great loss, we lose our confidence.  I have lost mine in many ways.  It's easier to hide out in my house than go out in the "real" world and engage with people.  I love to be inspired by others.  Their stories of overcoming some amazing difficulty, loss or testing of their person.

Usually, I convince myself they are just stronger than me.  I know this is not from Jesus.  I don't need to be a superhero, I just need to be whoever God called me to be.  And right now I'm not doing a very good job of it.  What has he called you to do?  What scares you the most about living completely trusting God with your life? 

Being a Christian, I know all the "Christian" things to say.  But I am human first, then I found Jesus.  It doesn't change that I am still a sinner, a feeler, a hurter, a person who deals with loss, devastation, tragedy etc.... I just have Hope that this is not all there is in this life.  I want to be like Jesus but some days the wounded part of me seems bigger than His part.

I am so thankful for God's mercy, grace and faithfulness to me because I have been a fair-weathered daughter to Him.  He has felt all the emotions and pain that we do and gave His life for me and still never sinned.  I have this precious example.   But I get stuck in the mire of my loneliness and longing and pain.  We can forget that He really is the only one who can help. 

I am open to words of wisdom.  I mean this entirely.  I wish and desire to move out of my spot.  To live in Joy.  I have never found exactly how to do this.  The migraines are a huge trip up for me.  I want to lead by example to my children.  I guess in some ways, be their superhero, without the cape.  Show them how to love fully, live joyfully, trust completely even though my dear husband and their wonderful father lives in a place we can only imagine.