Who wants to stay in bed all day and not move? That would be me! I was unaware of how hard this week would be. Grateful for good friends. My dear Hoopla Sister is dragging me (against my will) out of the house and rescuing me from myself. As you go about your day today, I thought maybe I would list ideas of how you can Remember Jeff.
These are some of his favorites:
Eat an apple (he fully believed it was the cure to all ailments)
Hang out with a good friend (Jeff had so many close friends)
Go for a walk, anywhere (he loved walking our neighborhood)
Watch one of his favorite movies: It's a Wonderful Life, Cinderella Man,
My Cousin Vinny
Read Psalm 112:1-9 (he loved this passage, it was read at the funeral)
Eat a Mounds candy bar
Connect with your family if it's been awhile (the Wenzel Clan was so important to him)
Grocery shop at Aldi's today, he was obsessed with this store
Do a toe-touch! (did you know he was a yell-leader at WSU, he could still do this)
Spend time with God (worshipping Him in music, quiet time, prayer)
Eat at Bella Luna....and order a Falafel (sp?) and hummus
Hug, hug, hug your kids and family
Go dancing (we loved dancing)
Karaoke (yes, Jeff had a great voice and he would drag me out to these places)
Meet someone new, reach out to someone in need
Hopefully you can find something on this list today to remember Jeff. He was all over the board in interests and talent. Or just come up with your own way to remember him. The biggest advice I believe Jeff would want give is to live life fully, the life God gave us. Not to squander our moments. Live fully with open hands, ready for whatever God asks of us.
Have a great day remembering the amazing man God gave us for 41 years. We are all blessed and better for the time spent here. We love you, your Princess.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wrestling
I have been wrestling with God my whole life. Struggling to fully believe He is really good. Hoping upon hope my heart is safe with Him. And then He shows up in a miraculous way and I know that I know that I know. Deep inside the darkest part of me, I'm always expecting the next shoe to drop. Wish I didn't think this way. Wasn't prepared for the brain cancer/death of my dear Jeff. Still have not recovered where God is concerned. Wrestling is a constant battle.
When I was five, my mom left my sister, my brother and I. She never came back. I should remember this and her but I don't. My father re-married and there were now two additional siblings. Our childhood was less than ideal, that is all I will say. We went to church every week, I asked Jesus in my heart. There was just so much hurt in my heart and no love in our home. I wanted to believe God was good.
As an adult I began the process of counseling to deal with my mom leaving me as a child. So many different tries at it. Each time walking away thinking, "That helped a little, but I'm still not done yet." After marrying Jeff and we began to have children, the emotions of my mother leaving hit hard. I just couldn't understand how a mother could leave her children.
Finally, when Olivia was 8 months, I had a breakdown. God lead us to these two women who were key in my last and final counseling regarding my mother leaving. It was amazing. I will never forget it as long as I live. God didn't give me any memories of her. He gave me answers to my questions.
As I said, I didn't feel loved growing up and had always seeked it out, needed it. I had wrote a letter asking God, where was He when my mom left? How could a God let a little girl go through that alone?
In the counselor's office I was sitting in a chair across from them. They told me to close my eyes and ask God to reveal what He wanted me to know. Ask Him to answer my questions. Inside I was kind of chuckling, "this isn't going to work."
After a few moments with my eyes closed I start telling them what is happening, I see little 5 year-old Reneene at my grandparents house (that's where we were living after my mother left) and it was the middle of the night and I was crying. I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a long-sleeved flannel pajama gown with lace on the collar and sleeves. I look up and Jesus is above me and He says these three words, "I am Love." He then picks me up and I face him and wrap arms and legs around Him tightly. I lay my head on His shoulder. And then we look down at all the devastating events of my life; my mom leaving, my home life, molestation, etc. and He says, "Where was I? I was holding you?"
He never put me down. He continued to hold me. As I opened my eyes, black mascara stained my white shirt from crying through out the session. I ask my counselors if I could have just made all this up? No, they say. I knew Jesus showed himself to me and answered my questions. I knew I never had to go to another counseling session about my mother leaving me. I asked Jesus where he was? He was holding me.
When I tell you I have had great encounters with God. I am not lying. It's going to take another one of these to get me through Jeff's death. I know it can happen. I don't when or how but I know one day God and I are going to meet in a mighty way. It might be a book or a person's story or who knows. I do know I am stuck. This loss is bigger than anything I've ever encountered. I really wanted my children to have a daddy growing up, their daddy. I wanted to grow old with my love. God still has me but I feel broken, fragile, less-confident.
A little bit like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall. I need to be put back together again but I'm not going to look the same. Do you ever feel like that? Wanting to be the best I can for my kids. These are the thoughts swirling around in my head.
With a smidgen of Hope and that's okay. Wanted to share my story of how Jesus showed up for me. Asking for prayer that He does that again. I so need to wrap my arms around His neck, that's the little 5 year-old in me. But the grown-up Reneene is too scared of getting hurt again.
When I was five, my mom left my sister, my brother and I. She never came back. I should remember this and her but I don't. My father re-married and there were now two additional siblings. Our childhood was less than ideal, that is all I will say. We went to church every week, I asked Jesus in my heart. There was just so much hurt in my heart and no love in our home. I wanted to believe God was good.
As an adult I began the process of counseling to deal with my mom leaving me as a child. So many different tries at it. Each time walking away thinking, "That helped a little, but I'm still not done yet." After marrying Jeff and we began to have children, the emotions of my mother leaving hit hard. I just couldn't understand how a mother could leave her children.
Finally, when Olivia was 8 months, I had a breakdown. God lead us to these two women who were key in my last and final counseling regarding my mother leaving. It was amazing. I will never forget it as long as I live. God didn't give me any memories of her. He gave me answers to my questions.
As I said, I didn't feel loved growing up and had always seeked it out, needed it. I had wrote a letter asking God, where was He when my mom left? How could a God let a little girl go through that alone?
In the counselor's office I was sitting in a chair across from them. They told me to close my eyes and ask God to reveal what He wanted me to know. Ask Him to answer my questions. Inside I was kind of chuckling, "this isn't going to work."
After a few moments with my eyes closed I start telling them what is happening, I see little 5 year-old Reneene at my grandparents house (that's where we were living after my mother left) and it was the middle of the night and I was crying. I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a long-sleeved flannel pajama gown with lace on the collar and sleeves. I look up and Jesus is above me and He says these three words, "I am Love." He then picks me up and I face him and wrap arms and legs around Him tightly. I lay my head on His shoulder. And then we look down at all the devastating events of my life; my mom leaving, my home life, molestation, etc. and He says, "Where was I? I was holding you?"
He never put me down. He continued to hold me. As I opened my eyes, black mascara stained my white shirt from crying through out the session. I ask my counselors if I could have just made all this up? No, they say. I knew Jesus showed himself to me and answered my questions. I knew I never had to go to another counseling session about my mother leaving me. I asked Jesus where he was? He was holding me.
When I tell you I have had great encounters with God. I am not lying. It's going to take another one of these to get me through Jeff's death. I know it can happen. I don't when or how but I know one day God and I are going to meet in a mighty way. It might be a book or a person's story or who knows. I do know I am stuck. This loss is bigger than anything I've ever encountered. I really wanted my children to have a daddy growing up, their daddy. I wanted to grow old with my love. God still has me but I feel broken, fragile, less-confident.
A little bit like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall. I need to be put back together again but I'm not going to look the same. Do you ever feel like that? Wanting to be the best I can for my kids. These are the thoughts swirling around in my head.
With a smidgen of Hope and that's okay. Wanted to share my story of how Jesus showed up for me. Asking for prayer that He does that again. I so need to wrap my arms around His neck, that's the little 5 year-old in me. But the grown-up Reneene is too scared of getting hurt again.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It's 2012 and I'm Back!
Taking a random blog poll. Anyone besides me glad 2011 is over? Can you chuck an entire year and have a do-over? I didn't think so. Be thankful you didn't receive a Christmas letter from me this December. I know for sure the words "holly, jolly and merry" would not be sprinkled throughout or even included. You might have dubbed mine the most depressing Christmas letter ever received. Do they give out prizes for that? I should look into that, there's still time to write one.
We make choices every day, some good. Some not good. I am a person who loves Jesus, I made a choice long ago He was my Savior and Lord. Since Jeff's death, He and I have struggled. It wasn't a conscious, verbal choice on my part not to walk with Jesus this past year but that's what happened.
I am here to warn you if you are in a vulnerable spot. My year was filled with great physical pain. I had more migraines than I've ever experienced in the past. More trips to the ER. Spiritually dry and not spending time with my Jesus kept me from His blessings and His protection. If you believe in Jesus and His word than you know the enemy is real. When we are not walking closely with Jesus, the enemy is right there knocking on the door. He whispers lies to us. After awhile we begin to believe them.
This past year as I pulled away from God, I pulled away from community (church), I rarely was going because I had so many migraines and then I just didn't feel like it. The enemy begins the lies of no one is missing you and you've been gone so long, how embarrassing. What kind of Christian are you anyway? It was just a vicious cycle. I stopped going to my small group from church. Turned inward, became a hermit if you will. This isn't good for an extrovert like me.
Again if you are not choosing daily to seek Jesus and put on the armor of God, you are left vulnerable to the enemy. I opened myself up to things I now regret. But even if we sin, God is forgiving, these are His promises. I cannot go back and change the past or chuck 2011 but I can tell you about my year. Tell you to be on guard. If you are struggling with loss, grief, anger, addiction, depression, etc.... reach out to a friend, pastor or counselor. Don't shut out the world. Don't shut out Jesus. He is our only true Hope.
Even now as I am navigating through enormous parenting struggles which I know I have allowed and probably created, I have to believe Jesus is my only Hope. The moment I move away from Him, the enemy is whispering in my ear. He is trying to tell me the mountain is too big. That I have messed up and my kids behavior is too far gone to fix. He says I can't do it because they need their dad and their mom. And Jesus let me down. But I don't believe him. He is the father of lies. I am placing my Hope in the Father of Truth.
Life is hard. Every single day. We get up and we have to make a choice, who's voice are we going to listen to? Last year, I forgot and listened to the wrong one. It was a really bad year. Lesson learned. So I will leave you with these verses.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full
armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,
against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against
the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full
armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand
your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the
breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the
readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can exting-
uish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and
the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on
all occasions with all kinds of prays and requests. With this in mind, be alert
and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18
If you have never fully given your life to Jesus, I pray you will today. I cannot imagine surviving all that I have without Him. Even with Jesus, some days I'm barely hanging on. I get it, I see these shows on TV.....Hoarding: Buried Alive, Intervention, etc... People are hurting so much because of a loss and they see no hope and this is what it looks like without Jesus. Some days I miss Jeff Wenzel with such a deep aching in my heart, I wonder if I will ever get over losing my life partner/best friend/lover/husband. Truly the most amazing person I've ever known. And then I'm reminded who gave me the love I had for Him, I am reminded of a perfect love, one with no pain and no suffering. And I see Jesus and know I have purpose to get up another day. Looking forward to 2012 with my Jesus and my kids and all it will bring. Wishing and hoping yours will be with Jesus too!
We make choices every day, some good. Some not good. I am a person who loves Jesus, I made a choice long ago He was my Savior and Lord. Since Jeff's death, He and I have struggled. It wasn't a conscious, verbal choice on my part not to walk with Jesus this past year but that's what happened.
I am here to warn you if you are in a vulnerable spot. My year was filled with great physical pain. I had more migraines than I've ever experienced in the past. More trips to the ER. Spiritually dry and not spending time with my Jesus kept me from His blessings and His protection. If you believe in Jesus and His word than you know the enemy is real. When we are not walking closely with Jesus, the enemy is right there knocking on the door. He whispers lies to us. After awhile we begin to believe them.
This past year as I pulled away from God, I pulled away from community (church), I rarely was going because I had so many migraines and then I just didn't feel like it. The enemy begins the lies of no one is missing you and you've been gone so long, how embarrassing. What kind of Christian are you anyway? It was just a vicious cycle. I stopped going to my small group from church. Turned inward, became a hermit if you will. This isn't good for an extrovert like me.
Again if you are not choosing daily to seek Jesus and put on the armor of God, you are left vulnerable to the enemy. I opened myself up to things I now regret. But even if we sin, God is forgiving, these are His promises. I cannot go back and change the past or chuck 2011 but I can tell you about my year. Tell you to be on guard. If you are struggling with loss, grief, anger, addiction, depression, etc.... reach out to a friend, pastor or counselor. Don't shut out the world. Don't shut out Jesus. He is our only true Hope.
Even now as I am navigating through enormous parenting struggles which I know I have allowed and probably created, I have to believe Jesus is my only Hope. The moment I move away from Him, the enemy is whispering in my ear. He is trying to tell me the mountain is too big. That I have messed up and my kids behavior is too far gone to fix. He says I can't do it because they need their dad and their mom. And Jesus let me down. But I don't believe him. He is the father of lies. I am placing my Hope in the Father of Truth.
Life is hard. Every single day. We get up and we have to make a choice, who's voice are we going to listen to? Last year, I forgot and listened to the wrong one. It was a really bad year. Lesson learned. So I will leave you with these verses.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full
armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,
against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against
the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full
armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand
your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the
breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the
readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can exting-
uish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and
the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on
all occasions with all kinds of prays and requests. With this in mind, be alert
and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18
If you have never fully given your life to Jesus, I pray you will today. I cannot imagine surviving all that I have without Him. Even with Jesus, some days I'm barely hanging on. I get it, I see these shows on TV.....Hoarding: Buried Alive, Intervention, etc... People are hurting so much because of a loss and they see no hope and this is what it looks like without Jesus. Some days I miss Jeff Wenzel with such a deep aching in my heart, I wonder if I will ever get over losing my life partner/best friend/lover/husband. Truly the most amazing person I've ever known. And then I'm reminded who gave me the love I had for Him, I am reminded of a perfect love, one with no pain and no suffering. And I see Jesus and know I have purpose to get up another day. Looking forward to 2012 with my Jesus and my kids and all it will bring. Wishing and hoping yours will be with Jesus too!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Here's to last 4 years! Goddard Lions Football
Who really likes change? Yesterday ended Ben's 4 years of junior football with the same boys since 3rd grade. This means I've been with these parents and coaches for 4 years as well. And if you know me, I'm a total extrovert, I'm all in with relationships. These are my peoples, my family. No more screaming in the stands, yelling at the refs. No more Noal telling us to behave! With that smile on his face. No more hearing Kim McSwain's voice across the field. No more Coach Mackey coming to practice and games in shorts when it's 20 degrees outside.
Sure we'll see each around but it won't be the same. Seasons of life are just that. The season has officially ended. And Ben and I sat in our van and cried.
I love football. I was at most practices being the center of some joke because, well I was usually sticking my foot in my mouth. What will I do every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. Withdrawals are coming. You see the parents of our teams we just really liked one another, never drama. We just had the best weeekend in Topeka. Oh, there was drama but it was on our cheerleading squad, those parents have some issues. We just really LIKE each other.
Ben found his passion on the football field. He almost didn't play, he was so small and I was afraid he would get hurt. My husband had just passed away in 2007 and I was sure Ben would forget we had promised he could play in 3rd grade. He didn't. I was reminded to keep promises and try to make decisions and think about if Jeff was here, what would he say? So I signed him up reluctantly and who knew I would love this game so much too? Who knew my my little kid would be a linebacker? Who knew he would make friends that he will probably keep for a lifetime? Me too.
I cannot tell you the impact his defensive coach has had on him. Coaches can do that for kids. There are moments when my son has fell apart after a game and he wants no part of me, I know what he wants but he is in heaven. But this "surrogate father/coach" will always go to him and he knows what to say. And it's exactly what he needs. I cannot be this for Ben. His impact will be remembered for years, I know Ben will not forgot you, Mike Carraway. I will not. You have treated my son as your own.
I am grateful for these coaches who have given their time year after year. They are just dads. I cry as I type this because my child doesn't have his here and I so wish he could have come to a game and seen him play. Don't miss out on your kids lives. Be there for them. Don't miss one single chance you get to hang with them. Life is fleeting and short and uncertain. Never take it for granted. But also be available for the ones who don't have a dad. Many of you parents have been that for my son. Thank you, I see it all.
Sorry if I've made you cry. Been feeling a bit sentimental today. Looking back at the past four years. Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving! This year I'm so thankful for all of you. Many blessings, Reneene
Sure we'll see each around but it won't be the same. Seasons of life are just that. The season has officially ended. And Ben and I sat in our van and cried.
I love football. I was at most practices being the center of some joke because, well I was usually sticking my foot in my mouth. What will I do every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. Withdrawals are coming. You see the parents of our teams we just really liked one another, never drama. We just had the best weeekend in Topeka. Oh, there was drama but it was on our cheerleading squad, those parents have some issues. We just really LIKE each other.
Ben found his passion on the football field. He almost didn't play, he was so small and I was afraid he would get hurt. My husband had just passed away in 2007 and I was sure Ben would forget we had promised he could play in 3rd grade. He didn't. I was reminded to keep promises and try to make decisions and think about if Jeff was here, what would he say? So I signed him up reluctantly and who knew I would love this game so much too? Who knew my my little kid would be a linebacker? Who knew he would make friends that he will probably keep for a lifetime? Me too.
I cannot tell you the impact his defensive coach has had on him. Coaches can do that for kids. There are moments when my son has fell apart after a game and he wants no part of me, I know what he wants but he is in heaven. But this "surrogate father/coach" will always go to him and he knows what to say. And it's exactly what he needs. I cannot be this for Ben. His impact will be remembered for years, I know Ben will not forgot you, Mike Carraway. I will not. You have treated my son as your own.
I am grateful for these coaches who have given their time year after year. They are just dads. I cry as I type this because my child doesn't have his here and I so wish he could have come to a game and seen him play. Don't miss out on your kids lives. Be there for them. Don't miss one single chance you get to hang with them. Life is fleeting and short and uncertain. Never take it for granted. But also be available for the ones who don't have a dad. Many of you parents have been that for my son. Thank you, I see it all.
Sorry if I've made you cry. Been feeling a bit sentimental today. Looking back at the past four years. Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving! This year I'm so thankful for all of you. Many blessings, Reneene
Monday, November 14, 2011
Army Strong!
Every night we lay our weary heads on our pillows and pray God gives us another day. Morning comes with the familiar rising of the sun and we start all over again. Most of us plow through life, everyday looks like the one before. Our lives have become settled in. Nothing particular new and exciting on the horizon. Tomorrow my 20-year old nephew Jack (we like to call him Jackie) will rise up from his familiar bed or couch at my in-laws home and leave for the U. S. Army.
Jack is the oldest grandchild of 9 for my in-laws. And we are a tight-knit group us Wenzel clan. This will be a hard night tonight saying goodbye. My two boys look up to Jackie, he's the cool older cousin who hunts and likes to fish. He still likes to play video games with them. Change is hard.
I want to encourage him. I have never been in the military but I was a military brat. My dad was a lifer, 20 years USAF. Tomorrow you will wake-up and leave home and for the first time have to find all that you need within yourself. Tomorrow you are a man. No one will there to take care of you. Many will be praying for you. Praying for you to succeed. But you will have one person who will never leave you or forsake you and that's Jesus.
He doesn't cost any money, He doesn't weigh anything (a small bible is great to bring though) and you can talk to Him anytime you want. I imagine it will get lonely and hard at times. There are many rooting for you! This is going to be the first day of the rest of your life. I pray it's just the beginning of great plans God has for you.
If your Uncle Jeff was here, he'd tell you to live life to the fullest. Be adventurous. Take risks. Have fun. Don't forget Jesus. Make friends. Don't give up.
I wanted to tell about some famous people who served in the military. It's a noble and honorable quest you're taking on:
Bill Cosby -- Navy
Drew Carey -- USMC
Alan Alda -- Army
Johnny Carson -- Navy
Clint Eastwood -- Army
Rocky Marciano (Boxer) -- Army
Shaggy (Reggae, Pop Star) -- USMC
George Steinbrenner -- USAF
George Washington -- Union Navy (Civil War)
Chuck Norris -- USAF
Elvis Presley -- Army
Ice T -- Army
Sean Connery -- Royal Navy
Another piece of trivia...out of 44 U.S. Presidents only 16 did not serve in the military. And after Franklin D. Roosevelt (#32) who couldn't join because he contacted the measles, all presidents after him served except Clinton and Obama. Interesting.
You are joining the ranks with some pretty impressive people. Truly noone is really great without Him. Mostly I pray you will seek Jesus out because all the things you have found comfort in will be gone. And Jesus has greater plans for your life, for all of our lives, than we could even dream of. So I will leave you with this verse, one of my favorites.
The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:11
These words are for all of us, to take risks, lose the comforts, seek Jesus regularly, be adventurous, don't give up so easily, don't get stuck in the mundane, be grateful for each day we have. Every day is a gift from God!
See you tonight, Jackie! I love you, Aunt Reneene
Jack is the oldest grandchild of 9 for my in-laws. And we are a tight-knit group us Wenzel clan. This will be a hard night tonight saying goodbye. My two boys look up to Jackie, he's the cool older cousin who hunts and likes to fish. He still likes to play video games with them. Change is hard.
I want to encourage him. I have never been in the military but I was a military brat. My dad was a lifer, 20 years USAF. Tomorrow you will wake-up and leave home and for the first time have to find all that you need within yourself. Tomorrow you are a man. No one will there to take care of you. Many will be praying for you. Praying for you to succeed. But you will have one person who will never leave you or forsake you and that's Jesus.
He doesn't cost any money, He doesn't weigh anything (a small bible is great to bring though) and you can talk to Him anytime you want. I imagine it will get lonely and hard at times. There are many rooting for you! This is going to be the first day of the rest of your life. I pray it's just the beginning of great plans God has for you.
If your Uncle Jeff was here, he'd tell you to live life to the fullest. Be adventurous. Take risks. Have fun. Don't forget Jesus. Make friends. Don't give up.
I wanted to tell about some famous people who served in the military. It's a noble and honorable quest you're taking on:
Bill Cosby -- Navy
Drew Carey -- USMC
Alan Alda -- Army
Johnny Carson -- Navy
Clint Eastwood -- Army
Rocky Marciano (Boxer) -- Army
Shaggy (Reggae, Pop Star) -- USMC
George Steinbrenner -- USAF
George Washington -- Union Navy (Civil War)
Chuck Norris -- USAF
Elvis Presley -- Army
Ice T -- Army
Sean Connery -- Royal Navy
Another piece of trivia...out of 44 U.S. Presidents only 16 did not serve in the military. And after Franklin D. Roosevelt (#32) who couldn't join because he contacted the measles, all presidents after him served except Clinton and Obama. Interesting.
You are joining the ranks with some pretty impressive people. Truly noone is really great without Him. Mostly I pray you will seek Jesus out because all the things you have found comfort in will be gone. And Jesus has greater plans for your life, for all of our lives, than we could even dream of. So I will leave you with this verse, one of my favorites.
The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:11
These words are for all of us, to take risks, lose the comforts, seek Jesus regularly, be adventurous, don't give up so easily, don't get stuck in the mundane, be grateful for each day we have. Every day is a gift from God!
See you tonight, Jackie! I love you, Aunt Reneene
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Secret Goals and Dreams
If I could write while I was driving or taking a shower, I would probably have a book published by now. Did you know that's my secret goal? The biggest obstacle, truthfully there a number of them, is ME. I'm a big chicken. I can pretty much talk myself out of anything. This may be hard to believe because I talk so stinking much but I am a closet under-achiever.
What would this book be about? Even if no one bought it, I have a desire to write about Jeff's (our) cancer journey, who he was, our life together, how God healed me. It would be for our children. When they grow up and want to know what happened. The whole story. When they want to know about Jeff and our amazing love story. I would love to have it written down for them. Truth is as time goes by, I am forgetting things. Age does this to you. If people also bought it, then that would be a bonus and I could provide for my family.
Writing a book sounds too big to me. I cannot even count how many people have told me I should write a book. Really I just don't know where to begin and so I begin nowhere. Which may seem like a cop-out to you. Essentially, I am putting this out here because I WANT to start this project. It's time. I believe it's something God would have me do, I am in my own way.
I was watching Dr. Phil and he was talking about goals and setting them (another weakness of mine) and he said something very defining for me. He said, "Someday, is not a day of the week." When we say we will get to that someday it's not specific enough. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
I am coming up on 5 years since Jeff went to Jesus and know it's time to move and make specific goals in regards to writing if I'm ever going to write this book.
Why is it so easy for us to inspire and encourage our children to dream big? We tell them they can grow up to be anything they want, do anything, be president, play in the NFL, the possibilities are endless. But at some point as adults we stop doing this for ourselves. I think this is unfortunate. God certainly doesn't stop believing in us when we reach a particular age. He created us. Just read Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
What are some goals and dreams you have had, maybe you've not even said them out loud because then they are real? I know I probably need someone whose an expert in writing to help me fulfill mine. We shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. I am really believing 2012 is going to be the year of Joy and life and light and Hope.
What would this book be about? Even if no one bought it, I have a desire to write about Jeff's (our) cancer journey, who he was, our life together, how God healed me. It would be for our children. When they grow up and want to know what happened. The whole story. When they want to know about Jeff and our amazing love story. I would love to have it written down for them. Truth is as time goes by, I am forgetting things. Age does this to you. If people also bought it, then that would be a bonus and I could provide for my family.
Writing a book sounds too big to me. I cannot even count how many people have told me I should write a book. Really I just don't know where to begin and so I begin nowhere. Which may seem like a cop-out to you. Essentially, I am putting this out here because I WANT to start this project. It's time. I believe it's something God would have me do, I am in my own way.
I was watching Dr. Phil and he was talking about goals and setting them (another weakness of mine) and he said something very defining for me. He said, "Someday, is not a day of the week." When we say we will get to that someday it's not specific enough. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
I am coming up on 5 years since Jeff went to Jesus and know it's time to move and make specific goals in regards to writing if I'm ever going to write this book.
Why is it so easy for us to inspire and encourage our children to dream big? We tell them they can grow up to be anything they want, do anything, be president, play in the NFL, the possibilities are endless. But at some point as adults we stop doing this for ourselves. I think this is unfortunate. God certainly doesn't stop believing in us when we reach a particular age. He created us. Just read Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
What are some goals and dreams you have had, maybe you've not even said them out loud because then they are real? I know I probably need someone whose an expert in writing to help me fulfill mine. We shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. I am really believing 2012 is going to be the year of Joy and life and light and Hope.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Parenting
Parenting, hands down is the hardest, most challenging part of my life. Even more than losing my spouse to cancer. You know the saying, "I was the best parent before I had kids." It's a daunting and enormous gift we have been given, our children. Not for the faint of heart, no turning back, not a part time gig. It's a 24/7, 365 days a year, 18+ years for each kid, kind of commitment. Nobody gives this much of themselves to a career/job, some barely to a spouse. Parenting is serious business.
A few years back in my small group from church, we were going through Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study. I will never forget a story she shared, it's from comedian Gilda Radner's book "It's Always Something:"
When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, just a mutt, and the dog was pregnant. I don't know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies are okay. She'll be able to deliver the puppies."
Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."
So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned walk. She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping up her backside, and then taking two steps and flipping up her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and then weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.
This story comes to my mind over the years. It says so much about being a parent. I have an incredible capacity to teach my children, they are watching me, mimicking me. What am I doing? I can want them to have certain qualities in their life but if I don't have them in mine, we'll you can guess it.
I am realizing each day the not so desirable behaviors I am seeing in my children have been regularly modeled by me. Ouch. This is hard to admit and write on my blog but I cannot expect my children to have self-control, patience, gentleness, kindness, be slow to anger when I have just blown my cool and yelled at them. See the hypocrisy?
The truth is, if you don't like being around your kids because they are rude, disrespectful, disobedient, little bullies (and I am talking to myself here too) it's your fault, us the parents. They have become what we have allowed. Maybe you're doing it alone and you're tired. Maybe you've checked out and this is what they have become. Maybe their dad died and you have over-indulged or overcompensated. It may be hard to hear but re-read the above story again. Unfortunately, our society today caters to kids. They are "the center of the universe."
There are days I look at the mountain in front of me and think it's just TOO BIG. I can't fix all the mistakes I've made and we do make them. But the Jesus I have known in the past, the one who has never left my side, is big enough to move mountains. HE loves children. And since He left me down here with these three blessings, I guess He thought I could do it.
We are raising children but really we are raising adults. It's a lifelong commitment and there are days it takes more than we have. Days we wonder if this is going to turn out or if we will be visiting a prison in 20 years (do you have these days?). And days when your children surprise you with their acts of kindness toward their siblings or unselfishness.
If you are reading this blog entry and don't have children, don't feel left out. Look around. There are so many kids needing a mentor or maybe there's a family member or friend who needs a break every week. Help someone out who has kids. It's an enormous undertaking, you could be a source of relief for a single parent or family. And your life would be so enriched too. Kids are amazing, truly they are. You will not regret pouring into a child's life.
My deepest fear is that I'm going to mess this up. And since I believe it's the most important thing God has placed in my hands, I ask you to pray for me. Pray as I parent my children alone. Pray I will regularly seek Jesus. And as I do, He will again begin to change my heart to look more like Him. Pray the example my children see will only be Him and not me. So much to ask for but my task is big. As is yours, I too will pray for you.
A few years back in my small group from church, we were going through Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study. I will never forget a story she shared, it's from comedian Gilda Radner's book "It's Always Something:"
When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, just a mutt, and the dog was pregnant. I don't know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies are okay. She'll be able to deliver the puppies."
Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."
So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned walk. She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping up her backside, and then taking two steps and flipping up her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and then weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.
This story comes to my mind over the years. It says so much about being a parent. I have an incredible capacity to teach my children, they are watching me, mimicking me. What am I doing? I can want them to have certain qualities in their life but if I don't have them in mine, we'll you can guess it.
I am realizing each day the not so desirable behaviors I am seeing in my children have been regularly modeled by me. Ouch. This is hard to admit and write on my blog but I cannot expect my children to have self-control, patience, gentleness, kindness, be slow to anger when I have just blown my cool and yelled at them. See the hypocrisy?
The truth is, if you don't like being around your kids because they are rude, disrespectful, disobedient, little bullies (and I am talking to myself here too) it's your fault, us the parents. They have become what we have allowed. Maybe you're doing it alone and you're tired. Maybe you've checked out and this is what they have become. Maybe their dad died and you have over-indulged or overcompensated. It may be hard to hear but re-read the above story again. Unfortunately, our society today caters to kids. They are "the center of the universe."
There are days I look at the mountain in front of me and think it's just TOO BIG. I can't fix all the mistakes I've made and we do make them. But the Jesus I have known in the past, the one who has never left my side, is big enough to move mountains. HE loves children. And since He left me down here with these three blessings, I guess He thought I could do it.
We are raising children but really we are raising adults. It's a lifelong commitment and there are days it takes more than we have. Days we wonder if this is going to turn out or if we will be visiting a prison in 20 years (do you have these days?). And days when your children surprise you with their acts of kindness toward their siblings or unselfishness.
If you are reading this blog entry and don't have children, don't feel left out. Look around. There are so many kids needing a mentor or maybe there's a family member or friend who needs a break every week. Help someone out who has kids. It's an enormous undertaking, you could be a source of relief for a single parent or family. And your life would be so enriched too. Kids are amazing, truly they are. You will not regret pouring into a child's life.
My deepest fear is that I'm going to mess this up. And since I believe it's the most important thing God has placed in my hands, I ask you to pray for me. Pray as I parent my children alone. Pray I will regularly seek Jesus. And as I do, He will again begin to change my heart to look more like Him. Pray the example my children see will only be Him and not me. So much to ask for but my task is big. As is yours, I too will pray for you.
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